I have been in a funk lately, and I can't seem to get out of it completely. My own thoughts of insecurity and inadequacy have been creeping back in. I have a lot of great things going for me, but those negative thoughts seem to scream louder than all the positivity in the world ever could.
It's really frustrating. I try not to be Negative Nelly all the time. I make a concerted effort to hide a lot of the physical and emotional pain if and when I experience it. I have been guilty of getting in a rut and it seeming like everything is going wrong with my life. Nobody wants to be friends with Debbie Downer. Nobody wants to hang out with that person who has nothing nice to say. But, do you really want to be friends with Fake Franny, either? Do you want to be friends with the girl who is smiling through the pain, or who is faking it until she makes it? Do you want a half-hearted friendship with someone?
I don't want to have friends like that, let alone actually BE that person. So, what do I typically do? I seclude myself. I shut myself off from those around me who seem to have it all in check. I go into my hidey-hole and wait until the sun starts to shine again. I know I'm doing it. I know how to get out of it. It's just hard.
As a piece of advice to others, though, something that doesn't help is constant criticism from loved ones, or from anyone really. If someone posts something on Facebook that might seem sad or depressing or negative, what will NOT help them out of their funk is to point directly at the negativity. It does NOT help to tell someone to snap out of it, or to be critical of them. It does NOT help to be insensitive to things that you do not understand. It does NOT help to be judgmental of someone else's life when you are sitting behind your computer.
What DOES help is picking up the phone and calling every once in awhile. Check on them. See if things are okay, or offer anything to help make things easier. If you notice a somewhat sad or depressing post on Facebook, how about sending them a private message with your concerns? Instead of nitpicking, why not praise the good you do see in their life? Instead of making fun of someone's situation or trying to "joke" about what you have no idea about, or really don't care about, how about saying NOTHING at all? It is far better to silence your critical tongue than to take back something hurtful.
I'm not speaking to others while excluding myself here, either. I have been guilty of all of these. I hope that when/if I've been this way that I could be forgiven for being less than what that person deserves in a friend.
I will come out of my funk. I think a lot of it has to do with the kids starting school in a week. I know that it means that my days will be different. It means that I will have to buckle down and finish my thesis. It means that my time will be stretched thin. It means that I will feel those inadequate feelings and guilty feelings again for not being 100% everything to everyone. But, I will also soon see pictures that my daughter has drawn just for me while she was at school. I will see the amazing grades that my son will bring home after having accomplished something new. I will see their smiling faces on the sidelines of the football field, and the basketball court, and whatever other extra-curricular activity they choose. And I will be beaming with pride.
For now, I'm just trying to get by and do it all the best that I can. But, I will ask one thing from whoever decides to read this. If you have something hurtful, distasteful, or negative to say to me, please think twice before calling, writing, or texting your comments to me. I am definitely going through a lot right now. Maybe it's an early mid-life crisis. I don't know. But, I don't need judgment, criticism, or hateful comments right now. What I will welcome with open arms are words of encouragement, love, funny stories about your kids or family, scripture, etc., as long as it comes from a place of positivity and thoughtfulness.
That's all.
Thanks, in advance!
Friday, August 9, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Just Breathe
What a terrifying 24 hours we've had here in Oklahoma! I just can't believe that it all really happened!
When the May 3, 1999 tornado hit, I was just a few days away from graduating high school. I was worried about my grandparents and my cousins and aunts and uncles who lived in Midwest City, Moore, and Norman. Luckily they were all safe and no one was hurt or lost their homes. I never would have dreamed that four years later I would marry someone whose parents lost their home in that very tornado. And that just a few short months after we were married, another tornado would rip through the same town, taking businesses and homes again.
The May 10, 2003 tornado came awfully close to my new in-laws' home yet again, only missing by a few streets. I was pregnant with Alex at the time, and Ryan was stuck on the highway trying to get home. This was the same highway that the tornado jumped and destroyed more homes and businesses. This was also before Ryan owned a cell phone, so I had no way of knowing whether he was alive or not until he walked through the door to our apartment. Alex was born just 2 short months later, so just imagine the panic I was going through: my husband might be trapped on the highway (it was shut down because of what was going on), my in-laws were in the direct path of the tornado, and I had no real safe place to go except to stand in the hallway of our downstairs apartment. I was pregnant and terrified.
I have always hated tornadoes, but I hate them even more now.
Just ten years after that terrifying experience, I was sitting across the state worried about my family who lives in the area. My cousin's children attend one of the two schools that was destroyed yesterday. My cousin's husband went and picked up his three children, all of whom are close in age to my own children, and took them to safety at my grandparents' home in Midwest City. Luckily, Grandma and Grandpa have a saferoom in their home, so everyone was gathered there. Jose, my cousin's husband, then went back to the scene and helped rescue workers dig people out of the rubble. Some of the children he helped pull out were classmates of his children. He also helped pull out their middle son's teacher. I just can't even imagine.
My in-laws were all safe, but we were out of touch for awhile. The tornado hit just a mile south of the elementary school where my sister-in-law teaches. It was headed straight for her school before it made a turn to the right. If it hadn't turned, it would have hit her school, the high school where my niece was, and then probably the junior high where my other niece was. Praise the Lord for that small twist of fate!
I'm bawling right now just thinking about the very close calls our family has experienced in the last 24 hours. There was another tornado that ripped through the Ramona/Vera area. I have an aunt and a great-uncle and great-aunt who live right near where this tornado was. They are all safe and okay. Praise the Lord!
This is the nature of tornadoes. They are unpredictable. People can say what they want, but the truth of the matter is: we know there's a possibility, we know that they will happen, we just don't know when or how destructive they will be. We can get pretty close to the timeline, but tornadoes are tricky, mysterious beasts. Like the one yesterday, they can drop down, destroy things in their path, and then disappear. They can be headed in a straight line or they can turn for no reason whatsoever. I will never understand tornadoes. But, if you're like me and you've lived in Oklahoma your whole life, you have to respect them. They are terrifying, unpredictable monsters. They can rip people's lives apart in seconds. And they can leave homes and businesses untouched just a few feet away from utter destruction.
As Moore rebuilds, all of Oklahoma will join together. We did it before, and we'll do it again. That's who Oklahoma is. That's what we are about. We are a family. As someone else said, we may not have fancy attractions or be pretty to look at, but we are an incredible close-knit community (the whole state). We take care of each other.
So, for now, we must remember to just breathe. Support those who lost loved ones. Lift up those parents in prayer whose babies were taken away from them yesterday. Donate your time, money, and anything else you can spare. We will come together and rebuild.
But, first, let's just breathe.
When the May 3, 1999 tornado hit, I was just a few days away from graduating high school. I was worried about my grandparents and my cousins and aunts and uncles who lived in Midwest City, Moore, and Norman. Luckily they were all safe and no one was hurt or lost their homes. I never would have dreamed that four years later I would marry someone whose parents lost their home in that very tornado. And that just a few short months after we were married, another tornado would rip through the same town, taking businesses and homes again.
The May 10, 2003 tornado came awfully close to my new in-laws' home yet again, only missing by a few streets. I was pregnant with Alex at the time, and Ryan was stuck on the highway trying to get home. This was the same highway that the tornado jumped and destroyed more homes and businesses. This was also before Ryan owned a cell phone, so I had no way of knowing whether he was alive or not until he walked through the door to our apartment. Alex was born just 2 short months later, so just imagine the panic I was going through: my husband might be trapped on the highway (it was shut down because of what was going on), my in-laws were in the direct path of the tornado, and I had no real safe place to go except to stand in the hallway of our downstairs apartment. I was pregnant and terrified.
I have always hated tornadoes, but I hate them even more now.
Just ten years after that terrifying experience, I was sitting across the state worried about my family who lives in the area. My cousin's children attend one of the two schools that was destroyed yesterday. My cousin's husband went and picked up his three children, all of whom are close in age to my own children, and took them to safety at my grandparents' home in Midwest City. Luckily, Grandma and Grandpa have a saferoom in their home, so everyone was gathered there. Jose, my cousin's husband, then went back to the scene and helped rescue workers dig people out of the rubble. Some of the children he helped pull out were classmates of his children. He also helped pull out their middle son's teacher. I just can't even imagine.
My in-laws were all safe, but we were out of touch for awhile. The tornado hit just a mile south of the elementary school where my sister-in-law teaches. It was headed straight for her school before it made a turn to the right. If it hadn't turned, it would have hit her school, the high school where my niece was, and then probably the junior high where my other niece was. Praise the Lord for that small twist of fate!
I'm bawling right now just thinking about the very close calls our family has experienced in the last 24 hours. There was another tornado that ripped through the Ramona/Vera area. I have an aunt and a great-uncle and great-aunt who live right near where this tornado was. They are all safe and okay. Praise the Lord!
This is the nature of tornadoes. They are unpredictable. People can say what they want, but the truth of the matter is: we know there's a possibility, we know that they will happen, we just don't know when or how destructive they will be. We can get pretty close to the timeline, but tornadoes are tricky, mysterious beasts. Like the one yesterday, they can drop down, destroy things in their path, and then disappear. They can be headed in a straight line or they can turn for no reason whatsoever. I will never understand tornadoes. But, if you're like me and you've lived in Oklahoma your whole life, you have to respect them. They are terrifying, unpredictable monsters. They can rip people's lives apart in seconds. And they can leave homes and businesses untouched just a few feet away from utter destruction.
As Moore rebuilds, all of Oklahoma will join together. We did it before, and we'll do it again. That's who Oklahoma is. That's what we are about. We are a family. As someone else said, we may not have fancy attractions or be pretty to look at, but we are an incredible close-knit community (the whole state). We take care of each other.
So, for now, we must remember to just breathe. Support those who lost loved ones. Lift up those parents in prayer whose babies were taken away from them yesterday. Donate your time, money, and anything else you can spare. We will come together and rebuild.
But, first, let's just breathe.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Growing Up
As I sit here in the living room watching my kids talking with each other, I am amazed at how quickly they seem to have turned into "big kids." I know they are only turning 8 and 10 this summer, but they aren't those little toddlers anymore. They have real conversations. They watch real movies, not just extended cartoons. They read books without any help anymore. They actually read to us instead of it being the other way around. And it feels like I just blinked and this all happened.
I always thought my parents and grandparents were being dramatic when they said that it seems like we grew up way too fast, right before their eyes. I never really understood that because it always felt like time stood still for me growing up. My summer days seemed to be endless. And magical. And it always felt like the times between years seemed to just creep by, not like my parents described it at all. But now that I'm a parent, it seems that they were right. Before I knew it, my son was finishing his 3rd grade year in school and my daughter was finishing her 1st grade year. Before I knew what hit me, my daughter was reading chapter books, and my son was writing in cursive. Where did the time go?!?
Wasn't it just yesterday when Reesey was stuck under her bed telling us, "I need some help!" and telling Uncle Larry not to boss her? Wasn't it just yesterday when Alex was telling us that Larry Bird pooped in his diaper and crying when we made him give back the football at the Fall Festival at church? Didn't that just happen? Where did my babies go? And who gave them permission to turn into these big kids with missing teeth and extremely vivid imaginations?
One thing I am ever grateful for is the fact that my children are best friends. They fight, don't get me wrong. But they love each other so very much that the fighting only lasts a few moments. I didn't have that growing up. While Alex and Reese's arguments are an "every once in awhile" thing, my brother and I fought all the time. Our moments of playing well with each other were more "every once in awhile." I hate that. We had some good times, like riding our bikes up and down Million Dollar Hill or playing football and baseball in the yard with the boys from neighboring houses. I love those memories. I only wish they weren't book-ended with memories of constant bickering and avoidance of each other all together. I'm glad that Alex and Reese aren't like that. I've tried my hardest to make sure they aren't because I didn't want Reese to grow up wishing her brother liked her or wanted to play with her, like I did.
Something that may seem odd to many is that, while my brother and I didn't get along growing up, he always had my back. And vice versa. If I was dealing with a jerk boyfriend, my brother would always offer to straighten him out. He warned me not to date certain boys because he knew what they were after, even if they were some of his best friends. When he was dealing with an awful girlfriend at school, one who was trying to spread rumors about him, I came unglued! I walked up to her (I was a freshman; she was a junior) and told her to shut her mouth or I'd do it for her. And I meant it.
When my basketball coach, who was also his senior class sponsor, died during my sophomore year, we shared a rare moment together in the hallway at school. We had gotten to school a little late that day, so we didn't see everyone acting all weird and sad. My first hour class happened to be Coach Kennedy's sophomore English class. When a fellow student asked if I'd heard the news, I was devastated. I had to leave the classroom because I couldn't keep myself composed. When I walked out into the hallway, I looked up to see my brother at the other end. I walked to him, no words being spoken, and we ended up just standing there hugging. I knew what he was thinking. He knew what I was thinking. Neither one of us said a word. It wasn't a long embrace, but it is one of the most meaningful experiences I've had with my brother. Ever. We were never affectionate with each other, but it felt so natural to me at the time. He probably doesn't even remember that moment, but it is etched in my brain just as clear as if it happened yesterday.
When I found out I was pregnant with Alex, he called me to see how I was doing. He played that quintessential "big brother" role, telling me that I didn't have to do anything I didn't feel comfortable with, and that he would support any decision I made. It meant everything to me to know he had my back yet again.
I just see siblings who are incredibly close to each other, and always have been, and I'm extremely jealous. I wish that we had that relationship. I love my brother. I always have. I've always wanted him to like me, to be proud of me. I'll just settle for helping my children to be that way for each other. I don't want them to doubt the other's feelings. I want them to know for sure that the other loves them, is proud of them. And if my brother and I ever get to a point in our adult relationship where we have a more consistent relationship, one with more frequent conversation or visits, then I will count myself incredibly blessed. If not, I'll know what I know. I've come to terms with the fact that we have the relationship we're going to have. I will always have his back, and I know he'll always have mine. No questions asked. We may not talk much. We may not see each other very often. But he's my big brother, and I can always count on him if I ever get into a situation where I need him. And vice versa.
I always thought my parents and grandparents were being dramatic when they said that it seems like we grew up way too fast, right before their eyes. I never really understood that because it always felt like time stood still for me growing up. My summer days seemed to be endless. And magical. And it always felt like the times between years seemed to just creep by, not like my parents described it at all. But now that I'm a parent, it seems that they were right. Before I knew it, my son was finishing his 3rd grade year in school and my daughter was finishing her 1st grade year. Before I knew what hit me, my daughter was reading chapter books, and my son was writing in cursive. Where did the time go?!?
Wasn't it just yesterday when Reesey was stuck under her bed telling us, "I need some help!" and telling Uncle Larry not to boss her? Wasn't it just yesterday when Alex was telling us that Larry Bird pooped in his diaper and crying when we made him give back the football at the Fall Festival at church? Didn't that just happen? Where did my babies go? And who gave them permission to turn into these big kids with missing teeth and extremely vivid imaginations?
One thing I am ever grateful for is the fact that my children are best friends. They fight, don't get me wrong. But they love each other so very much that the fighting only lasts a few moments. I didn't have that growing up. While Alex and Reese's arguments are an "every once in awhile" thing, my brother and I fought all the time. Our moments of playing well with each other were more "every once in awhile." I hate that. We had some good times, like riding our bikes up and down Million Dollar Hill or playing football and baseball in the yard with the boys from neighboring houses. I love those memories. I only wish they weren't book-ended with memories of constant bickering and avoidance of each other all together. I'm glad that Alex and Reese aren't like that. I've tried my hardest to make sure they aren't because I didn't want Reese to grow up wishing her brother liked her or wanted to play with her, like I did.
Something that may seem odd to many is that, while my brother and I didn't get along growing up, he always had my back. And vice versa. If I was dealing with a jerk boyfriend, my brother would always offer to straighten him out. He warned me not to date certain boys because he knew what they were after, even if they were some of his best friends. When he was dealing with an awful girlfriend at school, one who was trying to spread rumors about him, I came unglued! I walked up to her (I was a freshman; she was a junior) and told her to shut her mouth or I'd do it for her. And I meant it.
When my basketball coach, who was also his senior class sponsor, died during my sophomore year, we shared a rare moment together in the hallway at school. We had gotten to school a little late that day, so we didn't see everyone acting all weird and sad. My first hour class happened to be Coach Kennedy's sophomore English class. When a fellow student asked if I'd heard the news, I was devastated. I had to leave the classroom because I couldn't keep myself composed. When I walked out into the hallway, I looked up to see my brother at the other end. I walked to him, no words being spoken, and we ended up just standing there hugging. I knew what he was thinking. He knew what I was thinking. Neither one of us said a word. It wasn't a long embrace, but it is one of the most meaningful experiences I've had with my brother. Ever. We were never affectionate with each other, but it felt so natural to me at the time. He probably doesn't even remember that moment, but it is etched in my brain just as clear as if it happened yesterday.
When I found out I was pregnant with Alex, he called me to see how I was doing. He played that quintessential "big brother" role, telling me that I didn't have to do anything I didn't feel comfortable with, and that he would support any decision I made. It meant everything to me to know he had my back yet again.
I just see siblings who are incredibly close to each other, and always have been, and I'm extremely jealous. I wish that we had that relationship. I love my brother. I always have. I've always wanted him to like me, to be proud of me. I'll just settle for helping my children to be that way for each other. I don't want them to doubt the other's feelings. I want them to know for sure that the other loves them, is proud of them. And if my brother and I ever get to a point in our adult relationship where we have a more consistent relationship, one with more frequent conversation or visits, then I will count myself incredibly blessed. If not, I'll know what I know. I've come to terms with the fact that we have the relationship we're going to have. I will always have his back, and I know he'll always have mine. No questions asked. We may not talk much. We may not see each other very often. But he's my big brother, and I can always count on him if I ever get into a situation where I need him. And vice versa.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Kolby
I was just drifting off to sleep when I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. The only way for me to get these emotions out effectively is to write. I was overcome with thoughts from high school. Thoughts that brought me such joy, yet now fill me with sadness.
Kolby was several years younger than me. She was just beginning to get involved in our youth group at church as I was graduating from high school. The summer after I graduated was filled with many trips to the lake, into Owasso to hang out and eat lunch, and many youth activities. My friend Kristi and I spent a lot of time together that summer. And in that time, we kind of took Kolby under our wings. We wanted her to feel included even though she was so much younger than us. We invited her to the lake with us. We included her in all the fun things we did at Falls Creek. We let her tag along with us in our trip to Big Splash. She was so much fun that the age difference didn't matter.
Kolby was a force to be reckoned with. She was feisty. She was kind. She was stubborn. She was giving. She could be ornery, but she could be so loving at the same time. I miss that. When I was at OU, my mom called and told me that Kolby had gotten really sick and they weren't sure if she was going to make it. I knew she'd pull through. She was too stubborn to be taken so quickly and mysteriously. She did just that. We drifted apart after I left for college. Now, when I think back on it, it really breaks my heart. I have such great memories of that summer spent with Kolby and it could have been more. But I didn't put in enough effort. It makes me sick to think about.
When Kolby got pregnant with her sweet little guy, Madden, I felt connected to her again. I was a young mom, and I knew what it was like to be scared of things to come. We'd connected again through Facebook, and I offered her my advice on things. I don't know how much of it made sense, but it felt good to reconnect with her. She dealt with some rough patches and I offered her a place to stay. She never took me up on it, but she knew that the offer stood, no matter when or why.
And then she was gone. It was June 11th. I went to pick up the kids at my Grandma and Papa's house after we'd closed on our new home. Grandma asked if I knew what happened to Kolby. She then told me what she knew, that the ladies on the Prayer Chain had called and said she'd passed away in her sleep. I thought Grandma was confused. When I acted weird, Grandma started to doubt herself. So, I called their church and asked the secretary if Grandma was mistaken. No. It was true. And the floor dropped out from under me.
I felt guilty for not making more of an effort. She had meant so much to me, yet I never really let her know. She was a big part of my life that summer, and I let it slip away. And now she's gone, and I can't get it back. I can't offer her any advice on her little guy anymore. I can't offer her a place to stay if she needs one. I can't go to the lake, or take random trips to Owasso, or have her tag along to Big Splash anymore. I know she's in a much better place, but I miss her. I am so mad at myself for not trying harder with her.
I don't know. I was just thinking about Kolby and had to get it out. I miss you, sweet girl! But I know I'll see you again one day! Love you!!
Kolby was several years younger than me. She was just beginning to get involved in our youth group at church as I was graduating from high school. The summer after I graduated was filled with many trips to the lake, into Owasso to hang out and eat lunch, and many youth activities. My friend Kristi and I spent a lot of time together that summer. And in that time, we kind of took Kolby under our wings. We wanted her to feel included even though she was so much younger than us. We invited her to the lake with us. We included her in all the fun things we did at Falls Creek. We let her tag along with us in our trip to Big Splash. She was so much fun that the age difference didn't matter.
Kolby was a force to be reckoned with. She was feisty. She was kind. She was stubborn. She was giving. She could be ornery, but she could be so loving at the same time. I miss that. When I was at OU, my mom called and told me that Kolby had gotten really sick and they weren't sure if she was going to make it. I knew she'd pull through. She was too stubborn to be taken so quickly and mysteriously. She did just that. We drifted apart after I left for college. Now, when I think back on it, it really breaks my heart. I have such great memories of that summer spent with Kolby and it could have been more. But I didn't put in enough effort. It makes me sick to think about.
When Kolby got pregnant with her sweet little guy, Madden, I felt connected to her again. I was a young mom, and I knew what it was like to be scared of things to come. We'd connected again through Facebook, and I offered her my advice on things. I don't know how much of it made sense, but it felt good to reconnect with her. She dealt with some rough patches and I offered her a place to stay. She never took me up on it, but she knew that the offer stood, no matter when or why.
And then she was gone. It was June 11th. I went to pick up the kids at my Grandma and Papa's house after we'd closed on our new home. Grandma asked if I knew what happened to Kolby. She then told me what she knew, that the ladies on the Prayer Chain had called and said she'd passed away in her sleep. I thought Grandma was confused. When I acted weird, Grandma started to doubt herself. So, I called their church and asked the secretary if Grandma was mistaken. No. It was true. And the floor dropped out from under me.
I felt guilty for not making more of an effort. She had meant so much to me, yet I never really let her know. She was a big part of my life that summer, and I let it slip away. And now she's gone, and I can't get it back. I can't offer her any advice on her little guy anymore. I can't offer her a place to stay if she needs one. I can't go to the lake, or take random trips to Owasso, or have her tag along to Big Splash anymore. I know she's in a much better place, but I miss her. I am so mad at myself for not trying harder with her.
I don't know. I was just thinking about Kolby and had to get it out. I miss you, sweet girl! But I know I'll see you again one day! Love you!!
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Momma
I am going to get sentimental here. I may get sappy. I may even make myself cry. But I am going to speak (write) straight from the heart. I absolutely love the word "momma." Spell it how you want. Call her what you will. A mother is one of THE MOST important jobs on this planet. It is a privilege to be able to call yourself "momma" or to have someone call you that. It is a title I do not take lightly.
I have been "Momma" for almost 10 years now. My son will turn 10 in July, which sickens me at the same time it brings me great joy. My son has been one of the greatest joys of my life. If I have done anything correct in this world, I know he is it, along with his sister. I may not be good at many things in this crazy world, but I know I am a darn good mother. My children are proof of that.
I know that sounds narcissistic. It's not, I assure you. I have some of the lowest self-esteem in many areas of my life. Being a mom is not one of those areas, though. My kids bring me great joy. They are truly incredible human beings.
Alex is one of the kindest, most genuine people I have ever encountered. His heart is truly that of a giving, loving person. There's a line from Kicking and Screaming where Will Ferrell's character says, "I am a kind and compassionate human being, with the heart of a lion!" It's said in a joking manner, and Alex has even said this exact line to just be funny, but it's the truth as far as he is concerned. He really is a kind and compassionate human being. He has been one of the happiest kiddos I have ever met, for literally his entire life. He was not a difficult baby by any means. He rarely cried, and when he did cry, he was easily soothed. I have countless pictures of that boy smiling from the time he was about 8 weeks old on. He just exudes happiness, which makes everyone else around him much happier. That kid can brighten anyone's day. He has the softest, sweetest voice. When you can catch him long enough to sit down and have a conversation (which is very rare for him), you would be amazed at what he says. For only being 9 years old, he is a wise old soul. He gets it. He understands more than a 9-year-old should. He truly is amazing. I could not have asked for a better son or a better first child because he made being a mom easy. I feel like I kind of cheated in the whole "being a first time mom" gig. It wasn't always easy, but I know I had it way better than a lot of other people. I don't take that for granted for one second.
Reese is by far one of the sweetest kids anyone will ever meet. She can be ornery, just like her Grandpa Brown, but she will also give her very last penny to someone in need. She has tried that on many occasions. She constantly thinks of others. Her feelings are genuinely hurt if she feels like she has done something to upset another person. She is the epitome of that saying "wearing your heart on your sleeve." And it is one of her greatest attributes. You might think that is strange, but I see her emotional sensitivity as an asset, not a fault. She is skeptical, yet very trusting of those close to her. She never takes someone at face value. It will always take her awhile to warm up to someone. But once you've proven yourself to her, you are a friend for life. She is loyal, honest, and compassionate toward those who are important in her life. This girl can, and someday will, move mountains. I don't know why I was blessed to become her mother, but I cherish it every single day. She is a momma's girl in so many ways. She always wants me to do things with her, listen to her many stories, look at her incredible art she creates, or just sit with her and watch television. She treasures the little moments in life, and I absolutely love that about her.
My mom has made being a mother to my own children easy. I had an incredible example. My mom was my mom first and my friend second. I can't tell you how many instances I have seen where moms want to be their kids' friend. They want to share clothes with their teenage daughters. They want to be buddies with their kids' friends. They want to be "the cool mom." My mom wasn't like that. My mom didn't care if we were friends. She didn't want to hang out with my brother's or my friends. I knew she was my mom and had my back whenever I needed her. But I also always knew that she was in charge. She set boundaries. She showed me what a mother's love is. It is truly unconditional. If I screwed up, and boy did I ever, she was there to give me guidance, but also to make me face the consequences. I appreciate that. It makes me appreciate the friendship we have now. If I need advice on parenting, she is ALWAYS the first person I call. If I need someone to vent to about a situation with a friend or coworker or school, she listens. She offers advice, or she just listens. That's what a mother does. Even in her silence, I know she loves me and has my best interests in mind. She's got my back. She doesn't have to say it. I know it. I can go a few days without talking to her and then spend the next phone call talking about anything or nothing and feel totally at ease. Outside of my husband, she knows my innermost secrets. She knows the thoughts I have about myself, the ugly thoughts that no one should have. She loves me in spite of my faults. Or because of them. She lets me have my feelings instead of telling me to "grow up" or "deal with it." She understands me, which is probably really difficult.
My mom has incredible instincts about people. I think that's where Reese gets it. She, my mom, can figure a person out in the first 5 minutes of meeting them, and 9 times out of 10 she's right. Reese is the same way. I never really thought about that until now. Wow! That woman. I mean, what else could I say about her? She truly is remarkable. I can't even begin to thank God enough for blessing me with such an amazing mom.
She was "Momma" back when I was little, and even though I don't always call her that, she's "Momma" still. Little things, like Carole King songs or perfume smells or television shows, will trigger memories of my childhood. Those little things make me so glad that she's in my life and that I'm her daughter. I honestly wouldn't want to share her with anyone else, and I'm so glad that Jeff and I don't have to. We are truly blessed.
I don't know why I felt compelled to write about this. Maybe because I posted a picture from the day Alex was born on Facebook. Maybe because I got to help my mom out with something yesterday, and I love when I get to do that. Maybe I just really cherish the fact that I get to be someone's mom, and I get to have a fantastic mom myself. I don't know. I just love her. And I just love them. That's all.
I have been "Momma" for almost 10 years now. My son will turn 10 in July, which sickens me at the same time it brings me great joy. My son has been one of the greatest joys of my life. If I have done anything correct in this world, I know he is it, along with his sister. I may not be good at many things in this crazy world, but I know I am a darn good mother. My children are proof of that.
I know that sounds narcissistic. It's not, I assure you. I have some of the lowest self-esteem in many areas of my life. Being a mom is not one of those areas, though. My kids bring me great joy. They are truly incredible human beings.
Alex is one of the kindest, most genuine people I have ever encountered. His heart is truly that of a giving, loving person. There's a line from Kicking and Screaming where Will Ferrell's character says, "I am a kind and compassionate human being, with the heart of a lion!" It's said in a joking manner, and Alex has even said this exact line to just be funny, but it's the truth as far as he is concerned. He really is a kind and compassionate human being. He has been one of the happiest kiddos I have ever met, for literally his entire life. He was not a difficult baby by any means. He rarely cried, and when he did cry, he was easily soothed. I have countless pictures of that boy smiling from the time he was about 8 weeks old on. He just exudes happiness, which makes everyone else around him much happier. That kid can brighten anyone's day. He has the softest, sweetest voice. When you can catch him long enough to sit down and have a conversation (which is very rare for him), you would be amazed at what he says. For only being 9 years old, he is a wise old soul. He gets it. He understands more than a 9-year-old should. He truly is amazing. I could not have asked for a better son or a better first child because he made being a mom easy. I feel like I kind of cheated in the whole "being a first time mom" gig. It wasn't always easy, but I know I had it way better than a lot of other people. I don't take that for granted for one second.
Reese is by far one of the sweetest kids anyone will ever meet. She can be ornery, just like her Grandpa Brown, but she will also give her very last penny to someone in need. She has tried that on many occasions. She constantly thinks of others. Her feelings are genuinely hurt if she feels like she has done something to upset another person. She is the epitome of that saying "wearing your heart on your sleeve." And it is one of her greatest attributes. You might think that is strange, but I see her emotional sensitivity as an asset, not a fault. She is skeptical, yet very trusting of those close to her. She never takes someone at face value. It will always take her awhile to warm up to someone. But once you've proven yourself to her, you are a friend for life. She is loyal, honest, and compassionate toward those who are important in her life. This girl can, and someday will, move mountains. I don't know why I was blessed to become her mother, but I cherish it every single day. She is a momma's girl in so many ways. She always wants me to do things with her, listen to her many stories, look at her incredible art she creates, or just sit with her and watch television. She treasures the little moments in life, and I absolutely love that about her.
My mom has made being a mother to my own children easy. I had an incredible example. My mom was my mom first and my friend second. I can't tell you how many instances I have seen where moms want to be their kids' friend. They want to share clothes with their teenage daughters. They want to be buddies with their kids' friends. They want to be "the cool mom." My mom wasn't like that. My mom didn't care if we were friends. She didn't want to hang out with my brother's or my friends. I knew she was my mom and had my back whenever I needed her. But I also always knew that she was in charge. She set boundaries. She showed me what a mother's love is. It is truly unconditional. If I screwed up, and boy did I ever, she was there to give me guidance, but also to make me face the consequences. I appreciate that. It makes me appreciate the friendship we have now. If I need advice on parenting, she is ALWAYS the first person I call. If I need someone to vent to about a situation with a friend or coworker or school, she listens. She offers advice, or she just listens. That's what a mother does. Even in her silence, I know she loves me and has my best interests in mind. She's got my back. She doesn't have to say it. I know it. I can go a few days without talking to her and then spend the next phone call talking about anything or nothing and feel totally at ease. Outside of my husband, she knows my innermost secrets. She knows the thoughts I have about myself, the ugly thoughts that no one should have. She loves me in spite of my faults. Or because of them. She lets me have my feelings instead of telling me to "grow up" or "deal with it." She understands me, which is probably really difficult.
My mom has incredible instincts about people. I think that's where Reese gets it. She, my mom, can figure a person out in the first 5 minutes of meeting them, and 9 times out of 10 she's right. Reese is the same way. I never really thought about that until now. Wow! That woman. I mean, what else could I say about her? She truly is remarkable. I can't even begin to thank God enough for blessing me with such an amazing mom.
She was "Momma" back when I was little, and even though I don't always call her that, she's "Momma" still. Little things, like Carole King songs or perfume smells or television shows, will trigger memories of my childhood. Those little things make me so glad that she's in my life and that I'm her daughter. I honestly wouldn't want to share her with anyone else, and I'm so glad that Jeff and I don't have to. We are truly blessed.
I don't know why I felt compelled to write about this. Maybe because I posted a picture from the day Alex was born on Facebook. Maybe because I got to help my mom out with something yesterday, and I love when I get to do that. Maybe I just really cherish the fact that I get to be someone's mom, and I get to have a fantastic mom myself. I don't know. I just love her. And I just love them. That's all.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
I'm Back!
It has been two years since I've posted anything on this blog. A lot has happened in that time. One of the most important changes that took place was that we bought our first home. We moved to a new town, so that has been an adjustment. We are doing well, though, with that transition. The kids are in a smaller school system, which was/is very important to me. We now live in a neighborhood with families that have kids the same ages as our kids. This has been a God-send. I can't even begin to tell you how blessed we are with that. The kids can run down to the neighbors' houses and play until they are tired, or until the parents get tired of them. Ha! The reverse has also happened; kids come and play here and we LOVE it!
Another important thing that has happened is that I have been given the diagnosis that I had been searching to find for quite some time. I have Celiac Disease. It is very difficult to live with, often frustrating at times, but it is an adjustment we must make. One of the benefits of having CD is that I now have an answer to the questions. I have a frame of reference for why I was/am always getting sick. It may be financially difficult, especially because gluten free food is so expensive, but the monetary issues are worth the health rewards. One of the issues that I found with CD was that when I get any kind of sickness, whether it is the flu, a sinus infection, or bronchitis, it hits me harder than most. I am typically sick for much longer than I should be. This is because of my compromised immune system. CD is an auto-immune disorder. It is not just a sensitivity to gluten or an allergy. It is serious, not that the others aren't. But having CD has made me open my eyes up wider to my overall health. I can't just let things go. I must stay on top of it, for my health and the well-being of my family.
I am in my last couple of semesters of graduate school. It seems like this has flown by at times, and at others, it feels like I've been doing this forever. I have been able to make some incredible friends in graduate school, and I've been blessed to explore my love of English, writing, reading, and tutoring. I never knew that I would actually love to tutor people, but I feel like I have found my calling. I am so incredibly thankful that Ryan pushed me into pursuing my dream.
I am certain that there is much more I could discuss, but since I am feeling a bit under the weather, I believe I'll stop here. I will try to update this blog more. I forgot how much I enjoyed blogging. Until next time...
Another important thing that has happened is that I have been given the diagnosis that I had been searching to find for quite some time. I have Celiac Disease. It is very difficult to live with, often frustrating at times, but it is an adjustment we must make. One of the benefits of having CD is that I now have an answer to the questions. I have a frame of reference for why I was/am always getting sick. It may be financially difficult, especially because gluten free food is so expensive, but the monetary issues are worth the health rewards. One of the issues that I found with CD was that when I get any kind of sickness, whether it is the flu, a sinus infection, or bronchitis, it hits me harder than most. I am typically sick for much longer than I should be. This is because of my compromised immune system. CD is an auto-immune disorder. It is not just a sensitivity to gluten or an allergy. It is serious, not that the others aren't. But having CD has made me open my eyes up wider to my overall health. I can't just let things go. I must stay on top of it, for my health and the well-being of my family.
I am in my last couple of semesters of graduate school. It seems like this has flown by at times, and at others, it feels like I've been doing this forever. I have been able to make some incredible friends in graduate school, and I've been blessed to explore my love of English, writing, reading, and tutoring. I never knew that I would actually love to tutor people, but I feel like I have found my calling. I am so incredibly thankful that Ryan pushed me into pursuing my dream.
I am certain that there is much more I could discuss, but since I am feeling a bit under the weather, I believe I'll stop here. I will try to update this blog more. I forgot how much I enjoyed blogging. Until next time...
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