Fuming...

What is it about my personality that screams, "Please aggravate me!!"??? I can't, for the life of me, figure that one out. I get so frustrated that the people who know me best seem to take pleasure in teasing me, or making fun of me, or saying outright hurtful things to me. And a lot of times, these people are family. Why is that?!? Is there a part of me that welcomes that? Do I walk around with a big fat neon sign that asks for it?

Because I'm really tired of it! I'm sick of people picking and prodding. And they don't know when to stop. Or maybe they do and they just don't care. I've left many a family gathering in tears. But I wouldn't dare show those tears to them because then it would be even worse. It makes me not want to be around these people anymore. They're my family, though. The worst part of it all is that I really and truly love these people. I desire close relationships with every single one of them. Yet I've become this sort of "punching bag" that everyone seems to need to just pounce on the minute I walk through the door.

It hurts my heart when they act like this. Nothing I do can make it stop. I've tried acting like it didn't bother me. All that did was bring it on even worse, until they could see the reaction they wanted. I've tried fighting back. But that gets me nowhere and leaves me feeling horrible for stooping to their levels. It's a no-win situation. And I don't even really want to win. I just don't want to be torn down like that anymore.

I hate that saying, "If you can't take it, don't dish it out." I don't even dish it out anymore. I haven't for a long time. But they just won't stop. They know who they are, and if they ever read this, I'm sure I'd never hear the end of it again. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I'm probably just wanting to vent my frustrations in the hopes that I may get some clarity through it all. I'm almost to the point where I'm going to stop going to family functions. When I am constantly ridiculed or chastised for things that have no bearing in the real world or things that should be praised, all I want to do is tell them off and never see them again. Who knows what will come from this? I'm sure I'll just roll over and take it like I always do. I see no other course of action to be taken.

I just want it to be known that I'm sick of it. I cry every time I leave a family function or gathering. And I want it to stop.

There. That's all.