Things to Ponder

I was having a conversation the other day with my best friends and it got me thinking about what type of person I really am. I know that I am an extremely emotional person. That doesn't mean that I'm a big cry baby all the time, which I am a little, it just means that usually people can read my emotions at any given moment. Whether I'm angry, extremely happy, exhausted and frustrated, sad, whatever the case may be, usually it's written all over my face. I kind of like that about myself, but sometimes it can be a hindrance. I'd like to be a person that people have to figure out. I'd like to be somebody that has an air of mystery about me. Hmm...

I took something else from that night with my friends. It had to be God speaking through me, because as intelligent as I like to think I am, the words just came to me. And what I was saying was what I needed to hear, along with one of my friends. At least, I think she needed to hear it. A lot of the time, things don't always go exactly as we plan. People betray us, or hurt us, or embarrass us, in ways we can't begin to express. When these things happen, it's easy to go to that place that says, "If God really loved me, this wouldn't be happening." That's not the case. Take me as a prime example. I got pregnant before I was married, very early into my relationship with my now husband. I absolutely had a lot on my plate and could have easily crumbled. I faltered a few times, especially when those in the religious world were saying harmful things about me and my family. It made my trust issues ever more present. It made those lingering thoughts from high school rise to the surface. "See. This is what happens when you let people in. Inevitably they'll let you down. They don't care." That's the voice I was hearing. It's Satan. I made huge mistakes at the time. I don't want to seem like I'm not owning up to my responsibilities and my part in all of this, because I do. But during this troubling time, when I felt like my whole world was caving in, I could have really used those people who claimed to be my friends to comfort me, to guide me, to pray with me. Instead they chose to cut me down and ridicule me. And that's their issue, believe me, I'm over it now. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt, though.

What do I mean in all of this? Just what I told her that night: "God never promised us that it would be easy. Actually, He promised us the opposite. He told us that it would be hard, and that we would be ridiculed and betrayed. What He did promise us, however, was that during those times when we can't deal, He would be there to hold us. When everything fails, He's there to hold us." Those weren't my exact words, but that's the gist of it. When I felt like I couldn't pick myself up off of the floor, or drag myself out of bed, God was there by my side. He is the only one I owe any explanation to or will be judged by. My family loves and accepts me, no matter what. My true friends were there when I needed them, the few of them that stuck around. And I'm grateful for that huge life lesson. When it gets hard, I know who's got my back.

These are just some things I've been thinking about recently. Do with it what you will.