Relationships....

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking recently about people and relationships and the like. I think one thing that kept coming up was that who we are affects those around us. Obviously that can be both good and bad, but I want to take it much deeper, if I may.

As a little girl, I envied my brother in almost everything he did. He was so incredibly talented with art, an amazing athlete, and highly intelligent. I wanted to be just like him. I've never told him that and probably never will because we just don't have that type of relationship. Anyway, he was so impressive to me. He and I never really got along, though. It seemed like no matter what I did, I was always that annoying little sister that he didn't want to be around. Now, don't get me wrong, we did have some good times...some. But those were few and very far between. When we stayed home alone together during the summers, some days we would play together for hours on end. Other days, we would hardly speak to each other. It saddens me to think that I probably never will have a relationship with him, or at least not the kind of relationship I want to have with him. He is still incredibly talented with art, an amazing athlete, and highly intelligent. And I still look up to him, and not just because he's taller than me. But I don't think he realizes how much he means to me and how much I love him.

He went through a rough patch about two years ago, and our family almost crumbled. But he got through it, and we were all there for each other. We were kind to each other. There was no teasing, arguing, or hateful comments. We were civilized, loving people. And those few months, even though they were difficult because of the circumstances, were some of my most treasured because I felt like my brother saw me in a different light. My world stopped because of him. I neglected some of my duties as a wife and mother because I was so torn up inside because of what was happening to him. That's how important he is to me.

But then it all went back. He became that older brother who saw me as that annoying little sister again. He doesn't talk to me anymore. I hardly ever see him, and it's only when I go to see his kids play sports. I hate it that we're like that. I wish we could be close, much like Ryan's family. While they may tease each other, I can tell you this, he is closer to his siblings than any other person I know. And he's that way with all four of them, each in their own way. I am so incredibly jealous of that. My brother and I are all we have. And yet, what do we really have? We have an older brother who is in his own world, and probably doesn't even see this little sister he has and how much she hurts and longs for a big brother to want to be her friend.

I'm sure that will never ever change, but it has changed me. I love him, and I always will. But I know that he doesn't see me the same way I see him. And it hurts. Honestly, I think that's why I strive so hard for my children to have a totally different relationship. They love each other. They hug each other. They kiss each other. I think they are each other's best friend. I hope they never lose that, because that would be a tragedy.

I know that he's a different person now, my brother. And he has been through a lot in his 31 years on this earth. But one thing has never changed. I have always been his little sister, and I always will. And who he is affects me. It hurts me when he's hurting. It makes me glad when things are going well for him. I genuinely care about how he's doing, but how can I know that if we never speak? And why does it have to be that way? We just don't know how to have a relationship, and I think until he decides he wants to know me for who I really am, we never will. I'm always ready and willing, whenever that time may be...if ever.