So, I have been doing a lot of thinking recently about people and relationships and the like. I think one thing that kept coming up was that who we are affects those around us. Obviously that can be both good and bad, but I want to take it much deeper, if I may.
As a little girl, I envied my brother in almost everything he did. He was so incredibly talented with art, an amazing athlete, and highly intelligent. I wanted to be just like him. I've never told him that and probably never will because we just don't have that type of relationship. Anyway, he was so impressive to me. He and I never really got along, though. It seemed like no matter what I did, I was always that annoying little sister that he didn't want to be around. Now, don't get me wrong, we did have some good times...some. But those were few and very far between. When we stayed home alone together during the summers, some days we would play together for hours on end. Other days, we would hardly speak to each other. It saddens me to think that I probably never will have a relationship with him, or at least not the kind of relationship I want to have with him. He is still incredibly talented with art, an amazing athlete, and highly intelligent. And I still look up to him, and not just because he's taller than me. But I don't think he realizes how much he means to me and how much I love him.
He went through a rough patch about two years ago, and our family almost crumbled. But he got through it, and we were all there for each other. We were kind to each other. There was no teasing, arguing, or hateful comments. We were civilized, loving people. And those few months, even though they were difficult because of the circumstances, were some of my most treasured because I felt like my brother saw me in a different light. My world stopped because of him. I neglected some of my duties as a wife and mother because I was so torn up inside because of what was happening to him. That's how important he is to me.
But then it all went back. He became that older brother who saw me as that annoying little sister again. He doesn't talk to me anymore. I hardly ever see him, and it's only when I go to see his kids play sports. I hate it that we're like that. I wish we could be close, much like Ryan's family. While they may tease each other, I can tell you this, he is closer to his siblings than any other person I know. And he's that way with all four of them, each in their own way. I am so incredibly jealous of that. My brother and I are all we have. And yet, what do we really have? We have an older brother who is in his own world, and probably doesn't even see this little sister he has and how much she hurts and longs for a big brother to want to be her friend.
I'm sure that will never ever change, but it has changed me. I love him, and I always will. But I know that he doesn't see me the same way I see him. And it hurts. Honestly, I think that's why I strive so hard for my children to have a totally different relationship. They love each other. They hug each other. They kiss each other. I think they are each other's best friend. I hope they never lose that, because that would be a tragedy.
I know that he's a different person now, my brother. And he has been through a lot in his 31 years on this earth. But one thing has never changed. I have always been his little sister, and I always will. And who he is affects me. It hurts me when he's hurting. It makes me glad when things are going well for him. I genuinely care about how he's doing, but how can I know that if we never speak? And why does it have to be that way? We just don't know how to have a relationship, and I think until he decides he wants to know me for who I really am, we never will. I'm always ready and willing, whenever that time may be...if ever.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Poems That Inspire Me
Sonnet 116
By: William Shakespeare
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
Sonnet 43 By: Elizabeth Barret Browning
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of Being and ideal Grace. I love thee to the level of everyday's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for Right; I love thee with the passion put to use In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith. I love thee with a love I seemed to lose With my lost saints,--I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life!--and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.
Where the Sidewalk Ends
By: Shel Silverstein
There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.
Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.
Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.
By: William Shakespeare
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
Where the Sidewalk Ends
By: Shel Silverstein
There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.
Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.
Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.
I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud
By: William Wordsworth
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed--and gazed--but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
By: William Wordsworth
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed--and gazed--but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
Monday, October 26, 2009
That big question, "Why?"
So, why is it that, with all of the homework that I already have to do, I am supposed to also do my son's kindergarten homework? And for that matter, why do kindergarteners have homework?
Why do the people you expect to be the last to disappoint you end up being the ones who inevitably will?
Why does money never stretch as far as you'd like it to?
Why is it that when you go for that last cookie, or that anticipated bowl of cereal in the morning, it usually ends up being gone, or the milk carton is empty?
Why does Monday always have a "feel" to it?
Why do we put our faith in men (mankind, not males) when we know they will let us down?
Why can I never admit when I'm wrong, but expect that of others?
Why is it that the lady who sits by me in one of my classes cheats off of me, "borrows" my study guide, and lies about how much work she did outside of class? And why do I allow all of this to go on?
Why are my children so weird?!? :-)
Why do I tend to ask questions that I know have answers I don't want to hear?
Why? Just, why?
Why do the people you expect to be the last to disappoint you end up being the ones who inevitably will?
Why does money never stretch as far as you'd like it to?
Why is it that when you go for that last cookie, or that anticipated bowl of cereal in the morning, it usually ends up being gone, or the milk carton is empty?
Why does Monday always have a "feel" to it?
Why do we put our faith in men (mankind, not males) when we know they will let us down?
Why can I never admit when I'm wrong, but expect that of others?
Why is it that the lady who sits by me in one of my classes cheats off of me, "borrows" my study guide, and lies about how much work she did outside of class? And why do I allow all of this to go on?
Why are my children so weird?!? :-)
Why do I tend to ask questions that I know have answers I don't want to hear?
Why? Just, why?
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Those were the days...
Sometimes I find myself looking back on some really great times during my childhood, and I wish I could just be 10 again. Like, when we would go to Rick's Roll-Arena in Owasso and roller skate for hours on end. I'll often hear a song on the radio and tell Ryan, "Hey! That song reminds me of roller skating." He usually just smiles or tells me it reminds him of HIGH SCHOOL! :-) Nevertheless, there are those magical times as a kid when it seemed like nothing could touch you.
I long for those days sometimes. As I inch closer and closer to my college graduation, I find myself reflecting back on those worry-free times. Those times seemed to have passed by so quickly. I can't even imagine what my parents must be thinking now about them. If they went by that quickly for me, they must seem like a flash to them.
Anywho...with graduation getting closer, I am getting more and more nervous. Why? I think it's because this is one of the biggest things I've ever done. It's in the top 5 of the biggest days of my life. First, of course, is my wedding day. Then come the births of my children. And then I think it's this day. Obviously this day is going to be special for what it is. But I think I find it more profound because this is the first time I've ever done something for myself. I have worked so incredibly hard for this. I'm doing this because I know I can. This isn't so I can get a better job at work, especially since I don't work right now. That doesn't even matter to me. I could go out and get any job right now and be perfectly content. But this is for me. This is something that I've always wanted. And now it's only months away. It's 6 months away! And I want everyone I know and love to be a part of it with me.
If I had graduated 5 years ago, when I probably should have, I think I would have been proud and felt accomplished. But somehow, I think it means more now. I've had a lot of obstacles thrown in my way. I have two small children who need their Momma. And I make sure I make the time for them. But I also have to make time for school. So there is this constant battle in my heart over who needs what time, and what needs to come first. But something remarkable happened to me the other day driving Alex to school. We were at the stop sign at the park near our house, and I hear this little voice in the back say, "Momma, you and Daddy will NEVER stop loving each other." That little angel knows that family is the most important thing to me. He knows how much Ryan and I love each other. So all those times where I thought that I might not have been showing them enough how important they were to me, all three of them, I guess I have been. From the mouths of babes, huh?
So, for those of you who have supported me and encouraged me in this endeavor, I wish to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I really couldn't have done it without all your kind words, prayers, and even distractions (when I really needed them). It has been a long hard 3 years, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Please come and celebrate my graduation with me. It would mean the world to me to have all my friends and especially my family there with me. This is for you, too! I really believe that. I want to thank you all for helping me along this journey! I know it's still 6 months away, but the way I see it, it's JUST 6 months away.
Who knows, maybe in 6 months, I'll take the kids roller skating and really show 'em who's boss!
I long for those days sometimes. As I inch closer and closer to my college graduation, I find myself reflecting back on those worry-free times. Those times seemed to have passed by so quickly. I can't even imagine what my parents must be thinking now about them. If they went by that quickly for me, they must seem like a flash to them.
Anywho...with graduation getting closer, I am getting more and more nervous. Why? I think it's because this is one of the biggest things I've ever done. It's in the top 5 of the biggest days of my life. First, of course, is my wedding day. Then come the births of my children. And then I think it's this day. Obviously this day is going to be special for what it is. But I think I find it more profound because this is the first time I've ever done something for myself. I have worked so incredibly hard for this. I'm doing this because I know I can. This isn't so I can get a better job at work, especially since I don't work right now. That doesn't even matter to me. I could go out and get any job right now and be perfectly content. But this is for me. This is something that I've always wanted. And now it's only months away. It's 6 months away! And I want everyone I know and love to be a part of it with me.
If I had graduated 5 years ago, when I probably should have, I think I would have been proud and felt accomplished. But somehow, I think it means more now. I've had a lot of obstacles thrown in my way. I have two small children who need their Momma. And I make sure I make the time for them. But I also have to make time for school. So there is this constant battle in my heart over who needs what time, and what needs to come first. But something remarkable happened to me the other day driving Alex to school. We were at the stop sign at the park near our house, and I hear this little voice in the back say, "Momma, you and Daddy will NEVER stop loving each other." That little angel knows that family is the most important thing to me. He knows how much Ryan and I love each other. So all those times where I thought that I might not have been showing them enough how important they were to me, all three of them, I guess I have been. From the mouths of babes, huh?
So, for those of you who have supported me and encouraged me in this endeavor, I wish to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I really couldn't have done it without all your kind words, prayers, and even distractions (when I really needed them). It has been a long hard 3 years, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Please come and celebrate my graduation with me. It would mean the world to me to have all my friends and especially my family there with me. This is for you, too! I really believe that. I want to thank you all for helping me along this journey! I know it's still 6 months away, but the way I see it, it's JUST 6 months away.
Who knows, maybe in 6 months, I'll take the kids roller skating and really show 'em who's boss!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Reese's Story (October 12, 2009)
Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Snow White and the seven dwarfs. And the handsome prince came to her castle, and she fell inside of the forest, and she fell in a little tiny house full of cobwebs, and all there is these little tiny guys named Sleepy, Dopey, Happy, Grumpy, Doc, and there was Bashful and Sneezy, yeah and then there was a bunny that Snow White found and all the animals runned away and all got in holes in the trees. And then all the dwarfs came home and the door was open and they found lights were on and Snow White cleaned their house so they made it dirty. The queen gave Snow White a poisonous apple and their was these dirty dishes and she dust chair and said, "What a pile of dirty dishes!" Then she flapped her rag out the window. This deer put this glove on a racoon. This racoon looked with meany eyes. The queen made her eat the poisonous apple. That was not very nice to laugh at her when she was dead. Then Snow White had her funeral. The seven dwarfs were sad. And even Grumpy was and Bashful and Dopey and Doc and Sneezy. Then there was this guy that was trying to get Snow White's heart. But he said he couldn't do it. The queen was being mean. She was trying to get this bird to go home. They were all glad Snow White was awake. And then the prince took her to the castle. Then she found pretty flowers but not wild flowers. I watched it all the times, and I love it.
**You can't tell me that isn't the greatest story you've ever read.**
**You can't tell me that isn't the greatest story you've ever read.**
Friday, August 21, 2009
Is the answer staring me in the face?
I never thought this day would come. And the words felt like an arrow to the heart. NO, nothing with me and Ryan. See, I took Reesey to get her 4-year-old Well Child Check on Wednesday. It was already a high-stress day, since it was Alex's first day of kindergarten.
So, off we went, just us girls. And it was nearing the end of the visit when Dr. Feghali dropped a bomb on me. He told me we need to consider having Reese's ears surgically corrected. She has ears that just don't look like normal ears. But it's something that I absolutely love about her. I think they add to her personality. The look of her ears is something that was genetically passed down from Ryan's family and a few people have ears that look similar. Ryan has been crushed since the day she was born, even crying about it the first time he saw her ears. Like there was anything he could do about it. I guess he feels like he did it to her, but I don't believe that at all. Again, I love her ears. I think she's beautiful and I think they are really cute!
So, what's the problem? Well, Dr. Feghali suggested it so nonchalantly and matter-of-factly that it just blew me away. And when would she be having this surgery? Well, before next summer was his suggestion. Really? He seems to be under the assumption that kids are cruel and she will be teased about them. While he's probably right, I just don't know what to do.
My biggest problem with the whole thing is simple. If we get the surgery done, are we telling her that we think there's something wrong with the way she looks? That's not a message I want to be sending her. Also, I don't want her to have to be put under anesthesia. I'm a mom. My main concerns are for her health and safety. I want her heart to be healthy as well, but at what cost? What are we really telling her? That if she doesn't have this surgery that we don't care about her enough to protect her from bullies? Will she be mad at us later in life if we don't do this now? Or, if we go through with it, are we telling her she looks funny and it needed to be fixed? I guess it's like children with cleft palates that have to be surgically reconstructed. But not really, actually. This is purely cosmetic. We'd be having it done so she wouldn't be teased. If she had a huge nose, would we get her a nose job? NO!
So, what do I do? One part of me is saying, "Just get it done. Quit being such a baby about it. She'll be fine and she'd probably want it done if she was old enough to decide." Then the other part of me says, "Don't do it. That baby looks to you for self-esteem. You don't want her to have a complex about her looks and that's exactly what you'll be doing to her if you do it."Agh! HELP!
So, off we went, just us girls. And it was nearing the end of the visit when Dr. Feghali dropped a bomb on me. He told me we need to consider having Reese's ears surgically corrected. She has ears that just don't look like normal ears. But it's something that I absolutely love about her. I think they add to her personality. The look of her ears is something that was genetically passed down from Ryan's family and a few people have ears that look similar. Ryan has been crushed since the day she was born, even crying about it the first time he saw her ears. Like there was anything he could do about it. I guess he feels like he did it to her, but I don't believe that at all. Again, I love her ears. I think she's beautiful and I think they are really cute!
So, what's the problem? Well, Dr. Feghali suggested it so nonchalantly and matter-of-factly that it just blew me away. And when would she be having this surgery? Well, before next summer was his suggestion. Really? He seems to be under the assumption that kids are cruel and she will be teased about them. While he's probably right, I just don't know what to do.
My biggest problem with the whole thing is simple. If we get the surgery done, are we telling her that we think there's something wrong with the way she looks? That's not a message I want to be sending her. Also, I don't want her to have to be put under anesthesia. I'm a mom. My main concerns are for her health and safety. I want her heart to be healthy as well, but at what cost? What are we really telling her? That if she doesn't have this surgery that we don't care about her enough to protect her from bullies? Will she be mad at us later in life if we don't do this now? Or, if we go through with it, are we telling her she looks funny and it needed to be fixed? I guess it's like children with cleft palates that have to be surgically reconstructed. But not really, actually. This is purely cosmetic. We'd be having it done so she wouldn't be teased. If she had a huge nose, would we get her a nose job? NO!
So, what do I do? One part of me is saying, "Just get it done. Quit being such a baby about it. She'll be fine and she'd probably want it done if she was old enough to decide." Then the other part of me says, "Don't do it. That baby looks to you for self-esteem. You don't want her to have a complex about her looks and that's exactly what you'll be doing to her if you do it."Agh! HELP!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
School is nearing....
Well, another school year is about to begin and I'm not sure what to make of it. My son, my baby boy, is going to kindergarten this year. This is all day kindergarten, so he's not too thrilled about it. I think when he hears us talking about "all day kindergarten" in his mind he's thinking he has to be there literally ALL DAY. He even asked me if he comes home when it gets dark outside. Poor guy. It will be an adjustment, though, with him gone all day. It makes me tear up right now just thinking about it. He's my oldest and I've always been a stay-at-home mom (except for that month that I worked at Convergys). He's my pal, my little man. What are Reesey and I going to do all day without him here? I'm sure we'll manage, but it will be weird for awhile.
I'm on the downhill slope of my schooling endeavor. I've only got this upcoming semester and next semester (hopefully) until I get my Bachelor's degree. I'm now starting to panic because I'm afraid I won't be able to find a job after I graduate. Student loans will need to be repaid. We're wanting to buy a house and an extra income would help out with that tremendously. I'm just not sure what type of job I'll be able to get, if any. It's especially frightening with the economy the way it is right now. I'm going to work my tail off these next two semesters, though, so that once I do graduate I've got a great transcript and even better recommendations from professors if need be.
My girls won't be in any of my classes this semester. That makes me even sadder. :-( I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. Having them in class with me makes me work even harder. They, Joy and Carissa, are both so smart that my competitive drive kicks in. I just want to be on their level, so I do the very best that I can in hopes that I won't look like an idiot next to them. They keep me going. When I'm having a rough day at school, or at home that has been brought with me, they're there to make me forget about it and laugh my booty off. It will be awfully lonely in class without my two partners in crime. Whatever will I do with myself?
I'm on the downhill slope of my schooling endeavor. I've only got this upcoming semester and next semester (hopefully) until I get my Bachelor's degree. I'm now starting to panic because I'm afraid I won't be able to find a job after I graduate. Student loans will need to be repaid. We're wanting to buy a house and an extra income would help out with that tremendously. I'm just not sure what type of job I'll be able to get, if any. It's especially frightening with the economy the way it is right now. I'm going to work my tail off these next two semesters, though, so that once I do graduate I've got a great transcript and even better recommendations from professors if need be.
My girls won't be in any of my classes this semester. That makes me even sadder. :-( I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. Having them in class with me makes me work even harder. They, Joy and Carissa, are both so smart that my competitive drive kicks in. I just want to be on their level, so I do the very best that I can in hopes that I won't look like an idiot next to them. They keep me going. When I'm having a rough day at school, or at home that has been brought with me, they're there to make me forget about it and laugh my booty off. It will be awfully lonely in class without my two partners in crime. Whatever will I do with myself?
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