Is the answer staring me in the face?

I never thought this day would come. And the words felt like an arrow to the heart. NO, nothing with me and Ryan. See, I took Reesey to get her 4-year-old Well Child Check on Wednesday. It was already a high-stress day, since it was Alex's first day of kindergarten.

So, off we went, just us girls. And it was nearing the end of the visit when Dr. Feghali dropped a bomb on me. He told me we need to consider having Reese's ears surgically corrected. She has ears that just don't look like normal ears. But it's something that I absolutely love about her. I think they add to her personality. The look of her ears is something that was genetically passed down from Ryan's family and a few people have ears that look similar. Ryan has been crushed since the day she was born, even crying about it the first time he saw her ears. Like there was anything he could do about it. I guess he feels like he did it to her, but I don't believe that at all. Again, I love her ears. I think she's beautiful and I think they are really cute!

So, what's the problem? Well, Dr. Feghali suggested it so nonchalantly and matter-of-factly that it just blew me away. And when would she be having this surgery? Well, before next summer was his suggestion. Really? He seems to be under the assumption that kids are cruel and she will be teased about them. While he's probably right, I just don't know what to do.

My biggest problem with the whole thing is simple. If we get the surgery done, are we telling her that we think there's something wrong with the way she looks? That's not a message I want to be sending her. Also, I don't want her to have to be put under anesthesia. I'm a mom. My main concerns are for her health and safety. I want her heart to be healthy as well, but at what cost? What are we really telling her? That if she doesn't have this surgery that we don't care about her enough to protect her from bullies? Will she be mad at us later in life if we don't do this now? Or, if we go through with it, are we telling her she looks funny and it needed to be fixed? I guess it's like children with cleft palates that have to be surgically reconstructed. But not really, actually. This is purely cosmetic. We'd be having it done so she wouldn't be teased. If she had a huge nose, would we get her a nose job? NO!
So, what do I do? One part of me is saying, "Just get it done. Quit being such a baby about it. She'll be fine and she'd probably want it done if she was old enough to decide." Then the other part of me says, "Don't do it. That baby looks to you for self-esteem. You don't want her to have a complex about her looks and that's exactly what you'll be doing to her if you do it."Agh! HELP!

School is nearing....

Well, another school year is about to begin and I'm not sure what to make of it. My son, my baby boy, is going to kindergarten this year. This is all day kindergarten, so he's not too thrilled about it. I think when he hears us talking about "all day kindergarten" in his mind he's thinking he has to be there literally ALL DAY. He even asked me if he comes home when it gets dark outside. Poor guy. It will be an adjustment, though, with him gone all day. It makes me tear up right now just thinking about it. He's my oldest and I've always been a stay-at-home mom (except for that month that I worked at Convergys). He's my pal, my little man. What are Reesey and I going to do all day without him here? I'm sure we'll manage, but it will be weird for awhile.

I'm on the downhill slope of my schooling endeavor. I've only got this upcoming semester and next semester (hopefully) until I get my Bachelor's degree. I'm now starting to panic because I'm afraid I won't be able to find a job after I graduate. Student loans will need to be repaid. We're wanting to buy a house and an extra income would help out with that tremendously. I'm just not sure what type of job I'll be able to get, if any. It's especially frightening with the economy the way it is right now. I'm going to work my tail off these next two semesters, though, so that once I do graduate I've got a great transcript and even better recommendations from professors if need be.

My girls won't be in any of my classes this semester. That makes me even sadder. :-( I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. Having them in class with me makes me work even harder. They, Joy and Carissa, are both so smart that my competitive drive kicks in. I just want to be on their level, so I do the very best that I can in hopes that I won't look like an idiot next to them. They keep me going. When I'm having a rough day at school, or at home that has been brought with me, they're there to make me forget about it and laugh my booty off. It will be awfully lonely in class without my two partners in crime. Whatever will I do with myself?

Things to Ponder

I was having a conversation the other day with my best friends and it got me thinking about what type of person I really am. I know that I am an extremely emotional person. That doesn't mean that I'm a big cry baby all the time, which I am a little, it just means that usually people can read my emotions at any given moment. Whether I'm angry, extremely happy, exhausted and frustrated, sad, whatever the case may be, usually it's written all over my face. I kind of like that about myself, but sometimes it can be a hindrance. I'd like to be a person that people have to figure out. I'd like to be somebody that has an air of mystery about me. Hmm...

I took something else from that night with my friends. It had to be God speaking through me, because as intelligent as I like to think I am, the words just came to me. And what I was saying was what I needed to hear, along with one of my friends. At least, I think she needed to hear it. A lot of the time, things don't always go exactly as we plan. People betray us, or hurt us, or embarrass us, in ways we can't begin to express. When these things happen, it's easy to go to that place that says, "If God really loved me, this wouldn't be happening." That's not the case. Take me as a prime example. I got pregnant before I was married, very early into my relationship with my now husband. I absolutely had a lot on my plate and could have easily crumbled. I faltered a few times, especially when those in the religious world were saying harmful things about me and my family. It made my trust issues ever more present. It made those lingering thoughts from high school rise to the surface. "See. This is what happens when you let people in. Inevitably they'll let you down. They don't care." That's the voice I was hearing. It's Satan. I made huge mistakes at the time. I don't want to seem like I'm not owning up to my responsibilities and my part in all of this, because I do. But during this troubling time, when I felt like my whole world was caving in, I could have really used those people who claimed to be my friends to comfort me, to guide me, to pray with me. Instead they chose to cut me down and ridicule me. And that's their issue, believe me, I'm over it now. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt, though.

What do I mean in all of this? Just what I told her that night: "God never promised us that it would be easy. Actually, He promised us the opposite. He told us that it would be hard, and that we would be ridiculed and betrayed. What He did promise us, however, was that during those times when we can't deal, He would be there to hold us. When everything fails, He's there to hold us." Those weren't my exact words, but that's the gist of it. When I felt like I couldn't pick myself up off of the floor, or drag myself out of bed, God was there by my side. He is the only one I owe any explanation to or will be judged by. My family loves and accepts me, no matter what. My true friends were there when I needed them, the few of them that stuck around. And I'm grateful for that huge life lesson. When it gets hard, I know who's got my back.

These are just some things I've been thinking about recently. Do with it what you will.

Straight A Sista!

Well, for the first time since I went back to school the first time (Fall '04), I made straight A's this semester! (PS: Other than that semester, this is the only semester that I've made straight A's. Didn't happen once when I was at OU, no matter how hard I tried. And I've been very close since I've been at NSU, but no cigar...til now!) I wasn't expecting it either. I thought for sure that I'd make a B in my Psychology class, but I did so well on my big paper and my final exam in that class that I was able to pull it off!! I doubt that I'll do this again next semester, but you just never know.

I am, however, extremely proud of myself. It's not easy being a stay-at-home mom trying to go back to school. My days are always full. It doesn't matter what day of the week it is either. I'm either busy with the kids, or homework, or a combination of the two. I'm blessed with the support system that I have around me, because without them, none of it would be possible. So, I owe my straight A's in large part to them. Thank you Grandma, Grandpa, Mom, Dad, Ryan, and the kiddos. And a big thank you to all my other family and friends that support me, pray for me, encourage me, and motivate me to do my very best. I really appreciate it more than I could ever express.

I love you guys!!

Just something I wrote last night....

In the silent darkness
When I long for healing,
Who is there to hold me
And give me that feeling?

When all around me fails
And everyone has gone,
Who holds my hand
And tells me to hold on?

If light turns to grey
And disappointment appears,
Who is by my side
To listen to all my fears?

You hold me in the night
When the tears never end.
I survive because of you
With a heart on the mend.

You make life simple
When it gets too rough.
You are my strength
When I can't be tough.

You take away my fears
And dry my weeping eyes.
You love me for who I am
And brighten my darkest skies.

I love you!

Friends...my other family

While I love my family dearly, I am really enjoying the time I've gotten to spend with my friends this year. I have started to develop some really good friendships these past, oh, 8 or 9 months and I am feeling so blessed. Now, that does not mean that my other friends mean any less to me, because I still love them very very much. I think it's just that I spend so much more time with these girls.

My best friend, Meg, and I have not seen each other in way too long. We still talk through facebook and occasional calls, when we can squeeze them in. Both of us are entirely way too busy, it seems, to get our schedules coordinated. She is never far from my mind, though. I miss her face! I miss all the fun things we used to do together: dancing in our cars at red lights, telling jokes that only we would laugh at, eating her famously delicious spaghetti (mmmmm), I could really go on and on. She is and will always be my best friend. We practically share a birthday (only 42 hrs. difference!), so we're joined for life in my book. She has been there for me in some really rough times, and I have been there for her as well. When things get dark and there seems to be no one who will understand, we always manage to find each other. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Carissa, sweet Carissa. She is absolutely amazing! I met Carissa technically my first semester at NSU, although we didn't really talk to each other much until my second semester. We've been in a class with each other EVERY semester that I have been enrolled there. I just now realized that. That's quite impressive, considering I only take 2 English classes per semester. She is quiet and reserved, but she can be so hilarious! I think it is even funnier because it is so unexpected. She can be pretty ornery, too! I am just so glad that God has blessed me by putting her into my life. She motivates me to do my very best at school, she listens when I'm having a really bad day, she makes me laugh when I really need it (even if she doesn't realize she's doing it), and she genuinely cares about me (or at least that's how she makes me feel). She is one amazing friend and even though she's graduating in a week (!!) I know that we'll still have our semi-weekly Girl's Night. Girl's Night has been my saving grace this semester. :-)

My dear Joy. I don't know. It's like we have known each other forever, but have really only gotten to know each other since about January. She is hilarious! She is sarcastic, which I absolutely love, but she also can be the sweetest person in the world. When I'm with her, I know that whatever I say will be kept in confidence if needed. I laugh more with her than I have in a really long time. She knows what to say to cheer me up when I'm feeling extra blue. I feel like I can tell her anything and know that I'm not going to be judged for whatever it is. I'm not perfect, and I don't have to be that with her. She lets me just be me. I don't have a lot of girlfriends that I feel like I can be 100% open with, but I feel that with her. We may not have had the same life experiences, but we share similar personalities which makes it easier to communicate without feeling like we're competing or putting on a show. I'm looking forward to going to Oregon this summer because Joy gets to go with me. It will make the trip so much fun having someone like her there to brighten my day! She's simply stunning! I admire her for her gusto and her willingness to not let anything get her down.

I look forward to getting to know Cory much better. From the few times that I've been able to hang out with her, I've had such an incredible time. She's funny and sweet and I can see us having a lifelong friendship as well. Thanks, Cory, for accepting me into your life as well!!

Thank you girls for being my friends! You'll never know how much it has meant to me to be able to have you all in my life. I feel like we are joined for life. No matter where any of us goes, we'll always have each other. I really believe that.

Fuming...

What is it about my personality that screams, "Please aggravate me!!"??? I can't, for the life of me, figure that one out. I get so frustrated that the people who know me best seem to take pleasure in teasing me, or making fun of me, or saying outright hurtful things to me. And a lot of times, these people are family. Why is that?!? Is there a part of me that welcomes that? Do I walk around with a big fat neon sign that asks for it?

Because I'm really tired of it! I'm sick of people picking and prodding. And they don't know when to stop. Or maybe they do and they just don't care. I've left many a family gathering in tears. But I wouldn't dare show those tears to them because then it would be even worse. It makes me not want to be around these people anymore. They're my family, though. The worst part of it all is that I really and truly love these people. I desire close relationships with every single one of them. Yet I've become this sort of "punching bag" that everyone seems to need to just pounce on the minute I walk through the door.

It hurts my heart when they act like this. Nothing I do can make it stop. I've tried acting like it didn't bother me. All that did was bring it on even worse, until they could see the reaction they wanted. I've tried fighting back. But that gets me nowhere and leaves me feeling horrible for stooping to their levels. It's a no-win situation. And I don't even really want to win. I just don't want to be torn down like that anymore.

I hate that saying, "If you can't take it, don't dish it out." I don't even dish it out anymore. I haven't for a long time. But they just won't stop. They know who they are, and if they ever read this, I'm sure I'd never hear the end of it again. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I'm probably just wanting to vent my frustrations in the hopes that I may get some clarity through it all. I'm almost to the point where I'm going to stop going to family functions. When I am constantly ridiculed or chastised for things that have no bearing in the real world or things that should be praised, all I want to do is tell them off and never see them again. Who knows what will come from this? I'm sure I'll just roll over and take it like I always do. I see no other course of action to be taken.

I just want it to be known that I'm sick of it. I cry every time I leave a family function or gathering. And I want it to stop.

There. That's all.