Forgiveness

We are called to forgive. God forgives us every single time we hurt Him. Every. Single. Time. Why is it so hard to forgive someone when they've wronged you? For me, I think it is that much harder to forgive when the person does not feel any remorse, or at least has not expressed it. But my parents have always taught me that forgiveness doesn't mean that you accept what's been done. It just means that you're letting go of the hurt and allowing yourself to not become bitter to what has occurred.

When it's a serious offense, it takes much longer. Well, it takes longer for me. It doesn't erase the hurt. Maybe it just makes it easier to deal with, once you finally forgive. I know God tells us "seven times seventy" is the number of times we should forgive. It's just so hard. This is something I'm currently struggling with.

There are people in my life, and people who are no longer in my life (by my own choice, or theirs), that I need to forgive. They have not asked for forgiveness, and to be honest I don't think they ever will. But they need my forgiveness. More importantly, I need to give it to them. But it's not for them. It's for me. I do not want to harbor bitterness in my heart. I want to be an effective Christian. Without forgiving those who've wronged me, no matter how trivial or severe, I don't believe that I can truly be just that, an effective Christian. How can I lead others to Christ when I have this huge pain in my heart. I haven't given it to Him, and I need to.

I'm praying that I will be able to do this. I want to. I just don't know how right now. So, if you're reading this, please pray for me. Pray that I find a forgiving spirit. Pray that God will show me the most effective way to forgive someone. I need to do this. I want to. I just don't know if I'm ready. Pray for my willingness to do this. Thank you so much!

Summertime, summertime, sum- sum- summertime!

June is finally here! Why on earth am I so excited that June is here? I HATE hot weather. I would much rather spend my days in Colorado in the middle of winter. That's just the kind of girl I am. But the reason I'm so excited that June is officially here is that we are going on our first ever FAMILY VACATION!! Ryan and I have taken little overnight vacations here and there. We even went to Vegas for a few days earlier this year, but that was for Ryan's brother's wedding. Vacation, yes, but it had an agenda.

We have never taken the kids anywhere for vacation. I guess it's because they are so young that, before, we knew that they wouldn't really enjoy it and/or remember what we were doing. It has to be so incredibly difficult for parents who take their babies places, especially during the summer when it's so hot! I don't know how or why they do it. I'm glad we haven't, though. I mean, the kids are almost 7 and 5, and it almost doesn't seem fair that we haven't taken them out of the state...EVER. But I know my children. They did great when we went to Lawton for Hunter's graduation, and that was kind of a trial run for us. We slept overnight in a hotel, so we got to test the waters a bit to see how they would do. Really it was to see how we all would do. And they absolutely loved it!

We probably picked the worst time to take a vacation to Texas, but it was when Ryan's bid week was, so we wanted to take advantage. He only gets to bid 3 or 4 weeks a year, and summer is almost always taken by the time the bid sheet gets around to him; being so low in seniority will do that to ya. So this year (well, last November-ish) when a week in June was left open, he jumped at the chance. With Alex now in school and Reese starting Pre-K in August, we knew that his week in October would be out as far as taking a family vacation somewhere. I can not justify taking my kids out of school for a vacation. I know that some parents do it, but I will not hinder their education for a trip. There are other times we could go and, to me, school is way more important. Of course, I'm a school nerd and I LOVE(d) school, so I may be biased a bit.

We are taking the kids to Arlington in a week. Well, it's less than a week away. We're leaving on Sunday to go to Ryan's folks' to spend the night, and to break the drive up. I know my kids. 4 1/2 to 5 1/2 hours in a car would never fly. Then we've got it all planned out. We're going to a Texas Rangers game on Monday night and then to Hurricane Harbor on Tuesday. We'll be headed back to Oklahoma on Wednesday, but I'm not sure if we'll stop at Ryan's folks' again or if we'll just try to drive straight through. I know what my choice is, but we'll see when the time actually comes. The kids are so stinkin' excited! They've been telling people for weeks now that we're going to Texas for vacation. I think they're more excited about the idea right now than they are about what we'll actually be doing. They have no idea what's in store for them and I love that!

I can't wait to see their little faces when we're at the Ballpark at Arlington and when we finally get to Hurricane Harbor. I'll post pictures because I know they will be priceless. The McAlister clan is going to have one heck of a vacation, even if it is just for a few days. Remember, my kids are only 6 and 4. Small doses.

Mixed Emotions

My graduation has come and gone. The night itself was quite overwhelming and wonderful and scary and sad all at the same time. How can that be? Well, it just was. It was completely overwhelming for me to actually be crossing that stage, in my college cap and gown, and accepting my diploma (case only) from President Betz. It's something that I always knew I could do, but didn't know if the day would ever come. It was wonderful because I got to graduate with my best friend, Joy. I had never thought about it before, but that was an amazing thing as well. To get to graduate with your best friend? I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. It was scary because I kept thinking to myself, "Are you really doing this?" It was like it was surreal almost. I didn't want to get there and have them say, "Oh, wait. Sorry, you're not graduating." Luckily that didn't happen. I was very sad because this was another chapter that was over. The saddest part of it was that I could have graduated with honors, but because I hadn't focused enough my last two semesters at OU, I wasn't able to bring my GPA up enough to do so. I tried hard, believe me. It just wasn't enough. And it was really embarrassing to me because I knew it could have been done, but I have no one to blame but myself.

It's also what's come, or rather what hasn't come since my graduation that's got me with mixed emotions. Now, I'm not a "gimme presents" type of person. I'd actually prefer to not get presents. But on a day like Monday, one of the biggest days of my life, I would have liked to have some recognition from family members of this monumental accomplishment. There were family members that could have been there that chose not to come. I will never understand that, mostly because there were family members who absolutely couldn't be there but would have if possible. Why didn't you show up? I will never get this day back, and you weren't there to celebrate it with me. It hurts. Seriously. I also have family members who not only didn't come, but haven't even acknowledged that I graduated. Nothing. Not a phone call, not a card in the mail, squat! Something as simple as, "We're really proud of you! We knew it was hard, and we're so happy for you!" would have been enough, honestly. But, nope. I don't get it. What this says to me is that my momentous occasions are nothing. It doesn't matter that I graduated. It's nothing. It's unimportant. And, it wasn't harder for me to do this time around because I have two kids and a husband and one income. At least that's the message this is sending me. I don't want to be selfish, but it would be nice if some recognition was given to me for doing something that about 80% of Oklahomans haven't and will not do. Not important enough, I guess.

The family and friends that I did have there made the night amazing! It was incredible and I'm so lucky to have the support I do. And there were family and friends who couldn't be there that acknowledged what I had accomplished. And I love them dearly for it!

I guess I had higher expectations than I should have. I know there were some people there that didn't have anyone supporting them. But if all I've heard over the last 3 years is, "Just finish. Get that degree. You 'deserve' it," then why wouldn't they come to be a part of something so great? I just don't get it.

Graduation

It has taken me 11 years to get here, but it has been so worth it. Eleven years to graduate college? Yep! I've been to three different schools, but I've finally found my place and my passion. I couldn't be more excited about this!

What changed for me over the past eleven years? For starters...

1. I moved away from home. Home was my safety net. I am extremely close to my parents and to move two and a half hours away from them felt like I was moving across the world. I was fortunate to be close enough to home that I could drive home on the weekends, which I did my first year at OU.

2. I became an adult. I had my first ever birthday away from home while I was at OU and that was very lonely and very exciting all at the same time. I hadn't been there long enough to make friends yet, but I knew that great things were about to come my way. I turned 21 while I was there also. I'm not a drinker, so that birthday was more of a "coming of age" thing for me. I was officially, legally an adult.

3. I joined a new church. It was probably one of the hardest decisions I had to make while "away from home." I debated for months and months. My heart broke as I felt I was leaving my old "family" behind and abandoning them. What I didn't realize was that I was gaining a whole new "family," one that would help mold the person I am today.

4. I met Ryan. What a momentous experience! I knew that God would bring my "one" into my life in His timing. I'm just grateful and quite proud of myself for actually listening when God spoke to me about Ryan. He walked into my life one night in January of 2002 and I was forever changed.

5. I dropped out of school at OU. I became so overwhelmed with what was going on. I was battling depression. Ryan came into my life, and we began dating at a time that was very confusing for me. I didn't really, truly know what I wanted out of life. I knew that he was the one I was supposed to go on this journey with, but I didn't know where the journey would take us. So, the easiest (and probably dumbest) solution for me was to drop out of school. I didn't even think about changing my major, considering that was the source of my confusion.

6. I got pregnant. Way too early. I was not ready to be a mom yet. I felt like Ryan and I were still just getting to know each other. I was acting reckless again, like I'd done just a few years earlier. But the difference this time was that I had a man who was going to stand by my side. I lost some really important people in my life during that time. It was one of the scariest experiences I'd ever been through and I felt like I was doing it all by myself. I did have Ryan, I'll give you that. But again, we were still just getting to know each other. My parents were a hundred miles away. What was I doing? How was I going to get through this?

7. I got married. We did it backwards, I guess you could say. But it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I could not have married a better man. Ryan has helped me grow into the woman I am today. I was still just a kid when we met. I am lucky that God showed me that when you mess up, if you ask for forgiveness, you will be forgiven. And I have been blessed. I have a wonderful husband who takes care of me and loves me no matter what comes in our way.

8. I had a baby. Two. My pregnancy with Alex was a whole new experience for me. I was nervous all the time. I was anxious about every little thing. And then, when I was thirteen weeks along in my pregnancy, I thought I was losing him. It was really scary, but we prayed and prayed and God brought us through it. I have never loved someone so much as I did Alex that day he was born. Or, that's what I thought until Miss Reese came along. How can you love someone so much and give them your WHOLE heart, and then are able to do the same thing all over again with another person? I'll never be able to explain it, but I know it to be true.

9. We moved. Ryan and I have lived in, let's see now...6 different places since we got married. SIX?!? We never lived anywhere for more than eight months until we got to Owasso. We lived in our apartment for 2 years and we've now been in our house for a little over 2 years. And we will move again in a few years, but we're hoping that will be our last. It will be when we actually buy a house. So, I'm hoping we pick a winner and stick with it. :-)

10. I went back to school. Somewhere along the way I did take a few classes at TCC, but I officially went back to school in August of 2007. I was nervous about it. I thought to myself, "What if it's just like the last time? What if I don't really belong here? What if I'm not cut out for college?" But I wanted to give it a try. And I'm so glad that I did. It took me longer to finish because I only went part-time, but I actually am finishing ahead of where I thought I would. The one disappointing thing about all this is that I did so well while at NSU that I could have been graduating with honors. Why am I not? Because of all my "soul searching" that I did my last few semesters at OU. They really cost me. And I have no one to blame but myself. But I will choose to look at it this way: I did it. I went back and finished and got my Bachelor's degree. And I did it for me. I didn't do this because I thought I owed it to my parents. I didn't do it because I wanted to get a better job. I did it because I knew I had the potential and the capability and I wanted my degree. I deserve it.

I have been through and done a lot in the past eleven years. I am sure there is a lot that I am leaving out, but these things seem like the most important. I have learned who I can really depend on when the chips are down. I know how to make $40 stretch into two weeks worth of groceries. I know that my kids will always know that their Momma loves them even if she doesn't feel like she shows it enough. And I have learned to take things slowly and carefully because if I rush, I usually end up disappointing myself and others.

Have I mentioned how proud I am of myself for finishing? I DID IT!!!!

Reflections of a Lifetime

I know I do this a lot, but sorry. It's one of my "things" that I do. Anyway, I had a recollection back to high school and it got me to thinking about what my life could have been like. What would life have been like for me if I had stayed with my high school boyfriend?

I'll tell you this, I'm glad that I didn't end up with him. He is a cad; he's selfish to no end; he is completely amoral, in my opinion. I don't know what drew me to him. I like to think of myself as an intelligent person, but dating him has to be one of the dumbest things I've ever done. I put myself through Hell while I was with him. I did the same to my friends and family. Seems to me that I ended up on the better side of that break-up. What would my life have been like if we had stayed together, though? By now, I would either be so distanced from my family, because he's in the military, that I'd be lonely and depressed, OR I'd be knocked up for the fourth time and contemplating divorce. He's THAT BAD! God really looked out for me when I was dating him. Now, I made some STUPID and embarrassing mistakes when we were together, but I'm fortunate enough to have learned from them.

What would life have been like if I had married the next guy I dated after my high school boyfriend? Well, it probably would have been a little less conflictual, but not much. He and I were meant to be friends, and just friends. We fought a lot. We would fight because I felt like he didn't value me as an important part of his life. I think he felt like I shouldn't have wanted to be that important to him. I did care for him. I honestly contemplated marriage with him. Luckily, we both decided that that would not have necessarily been the right answer. Again, God looking out for me. The difference here is that he is a great person and I'm lucky to have known him. We just didn't work as a couple. So, life with him would possibly have ended in divorce as well. Divorce is not my solution to anything, don't get me wrong. But I do know how difficult I can be to live with, and when you mix in the wrong personality, sometimes people just give up. That's probably what would have happened had we stayed together. Don't get me started on the racial side of things because I definitely know that would have been a struggle, constantly.

I have it pretty good right now. I married the person God had intended for me to marry from day one. I may not have known it way back in high school, but He did (God, that is). And I'm proud of myself for being cognizant enough to listen when God literally spoke to me. It's an experience that I don't know would ever come around again. I'm lucky, I think, to have experienced that. I count myself that every day when I look over and see the man who will be standing by me for the rest of my life.

I couldn't have asked for a better mate in life, either. He keeps me grounded. He stresses me out, but in the next breath has me laughing so hard I cry. He tells me what I need to hear, not always what I want to hear. But he is caring and sensitive, as well. He's the perfect mix of what I could have ever dreamed up. He's not perfect by any means, but he's perfect for me. And I am lucky enough to call him my husband.

I know I've said that I'm lucky about a gazillion times. But I really feel that way. I can't choose another word to describe how it makes me feel to wake up every day in my life. It's not always great, but it's never as bad as it could be. And for that, I'm truly grateful!

Relationships....

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking recently about people and relationships and the like. I think one thing that kept coming up was that who we are affects those around us. Obviously that can be both good and bad, but I want to take it much deeper, if I may.

As a little girl, I envied my brother in almost everything he did. He was so incredibly talented with art, an amazing athlete, and highly intelligent. I wanted to be just like him. I've never told him that and probably never will because we just don't have that type of relationship. Anyway, he was so impressive to me. He and I never really got along, though. It seemed like no matter what I did, I was always that annoying little sister that he didn't want to be around. Now, don't get me wrong, we did have some good times...some. But those were few and very far between. When we stayed home alone together during the summers, some days we would play together for hours on end. Other days, we would hardly speak to each other. It saddens me to think that I probably never will have a relationship with him, or at least not the kind of relationship I want to have with him. He is still incredibly talented with art, an amazing athlete, and highly intelligent. And I still look up to him, and not just because he's taller than me. But I don't think he realizes how much he means to me and how much I love him.

He went through a rough patch about two years ago, and our family almost crumbled. But he got through it, and we were all there for each other. We were kind to each other. There was no teasing, arguing, or hateful comments. We were civilized, loving people. And those few months, even though they were difficult because of the circumstances, were some of my most treasured because I felt like my brother saw me in a different light. My world stopped because of him. I neglected some of my duties as a wife and mother because I was so torn up inside because of what was happening to him. That's how important he is to me.

But then it all went back. He became that older brother who saw me as that annoying little sister again. He doesn't talk to me anymore. I hardly ever see him, and it's only when I go to see his kids play sports. I hate it that we're like that. I wish we could be close, much like Ryan's family. While they may tease each other, I can tell you this, he is closer to his siblings than any other person I know. And he's that way with all four of them, each in their own way. I am so incredibly jealous of that. My brother and I are all we have. And yet, what do we really have? We have an older brother who is in his own world, and probably doesn't even see this little sister he has and how much she hurts and longs for a big brother to want to be her friend.

I'm sure that will never ever change, but it has changed me. I love him, and I always will. But I know that he doesn't see me the same way I see him. And it hurts. Honestly, I think that's why I strive so hard for my children to have a totally different relationship. They love each other. They hug each other. They kiss each other. I think they are each other's best friend. I hope they never lose that, because that would be a tragedy.

I know that he's a different person now, my brother. And he has been through a lot in his 31 years on this earth. But one thing has never changed. I have always been his little sister, and I always will. And who he is affects me. It hurts me when he's hurting. It makes me glad when things are going well for him. I genuinely care about how he's doing, but how can I know that if we never speak? And why does it have to be that way? We just don't know how to have a relationship, and I think until he decides he wants to know me for who I really am, we never will. I'm always ready and willing, whenever that time may be...if ever.

Poems That Inspire Me

Sonnet 116
By: William Shakespeare

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Sonnet 43

By: Elizabeth Barret Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday's

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints,--I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life!--and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

Where the Sidewalk Ends
By: Shel Silverstein

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.

I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud
By: William Wordsworth

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed--and gazed--but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.