My son. Oh, my amazing son! When I look at his face, I see so much of myself, yet I am amazed at who he is that I don't quite know yet. From the day he was born, he has always been such a happy, kind soul. He loves to laugh, loves to make other people laugh, and loves to make friends with anyone he meets. His personality reminds me so very much of my father-in-law, Jerry, as well as my grandpa, Melvin. When you hear people say, "He never meets a stranger," you may not completely understand that concept. My son (and these two men) embodies this statement entirely. It's incredible to watch, and also a bit terrifying as a mother in this day and age. He is so loving and trusting, almost to a fault.
When I watch him play with his friends, I am amazed at his kindness. He is one of the older elementary-aged kids on our street, but he has no problem playing with kids who are younger than him. He doesn't care that they are not in his grade, or that he doesn't get to see them at school except for riding the bus to and from school. When they play, his imagination takes over and it's remarkable. I may not always understand their "games" they decide to play, or may think they're a bit silly. But when this kid plays, he goes all in. And he makes those around him enjoy themselves completely.
Now, when I say that he is like my grandpa, I mean it in so many different ways. This kid can talk. He tells stories all the time, just like my Papa. He is long-winded, and his stories often are about things he's played with his friends. But he tells them with such gusto and passion that he draws you in. He's also incredibly funny, which is something that has been coming to light over the last year or two. Our daughter has always had incredible natural comedic timing. That has not always been the case for Alex. But, boy oh boy, has that ever changed. And when he tells you something funny, and you laugh, you can see it on his face: the pride he feels for having made you laugh. When I can make him laugh, which is quite difficult these days now that he's almost 11 years old and his mom isn't funny anymore, it's so great! His cackle is contagious. You can't hear his laugh and not immediately burst out laughing yourself.
Being his mother is one of my greatest accomplishments. He is intelligent beyond belief, super sweet, and an overall great person. He loves with his whole heart. He thinks of others before himself many times. He seeks out those who are picked on and befriends them. His choice of friends may not make sense to a lot of people, but he chooses them wisely. He tries to surround himself with those who are good to him and good for him. And I love that about him. I can't believe he is turning 11 in just a few short weeks, because he is growing into such an amazing young man. He definitely is not a baby anymore, but he will always be my baby. When I look at him, I still see that sweet, always smiling face that lights up the room. He still does. And I am so thankful and proud that God chose me to be Alexander James McAlister's momma. So blessed!
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
"Comes the Dawn"
When I was in my senior year of high school, I went through some major life issues, all of which I brought upon myself. I was spiraling out of control quickly, but I had a support system in place when I needed it the most. I was losing friends left and right, but was finding friends in unexpected places. God was speaking to me through a multitude of people and situations, even when I didn't really want to listen.
One thing that has meant the most to me, and has stuck with me for the past 15 years, is a poem that a friend's mom gave me. I felt like everything I'd ever worked for, like all of my accomplishments, like all of the good in my life, was slowly slipping away. I was sad...all the time. She saw that. She knew what I was going through, without really knowing.
She gave this poem to me, and probably doesn't even know that I still have it. It is framed, and it sits on the night stand by my bed. The paper is faded, and folded, and stained from tears. I reflect back on it from time to time, when I'm feeling down or depressed. February is a hard month for me typically, so it seems like this is the month when I am drawn to this poem the most. I do not know the author, even though I am certain it would be easy to find. I don't need to know. The words are what matters, and they are powerful.
Peggy, if you ever read this, please know that this has stayed an integral part of my life. It has meant more to me than I could ever explain. I had practically memorized this after about the first year of college. It still means so very much to me 15 years later. Thank you!
Comes the Dawn
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
And you begin to understand that kisses aren't Contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head held high and your eyes wide open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
You learn to build your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much,
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure,
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn . . . and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.
One thing that has meant the most to me, and has stuck with me for the past 15 years, is a poem that a friend's mom gave me. I felt like everything I'd ever worked for, like all of my accomplishments, like all of the good in my life, was slowly slipping away. I was sad...all the time. She saw that. She knew what I was going through, without really knowing.
She gave this poem to me, and probably doesn't even know that I still have it. It is framed, and it sits on the night stand by my bed. The paper is faded, and folded, and stained from tears. I reflect back on it from time to time, when I'm feeling down or depressed. February is a hard month for me typically, so it seems like this is the month when I am drawn to this poem the most. I do not know the author, even though I am certain it would be easy to find. I don't need to know. The words are what matters, and they are powerful.
Peggy, if you ever read this, please know that this has stayed an integral part of my life. It has meant more to me than I could ever explain. I had practically memorized this after about the first year of college. It still means so very much to me 15 years later. Thank you!
Comes the Dawn
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
And you begin to understand that kisses aren't Contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head held high and your eyes wide open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
You learn to build your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much,
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure,
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn . . . and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Angry Kristin
Sometimes in life, things happen that make us become really jaded. People come and go from our lives, and sometimes it really hurts. Sometimes, we're glad those people left our lives because we're both better for it. Sometimes, however, the loss really stings.
Right now, I'm really angry. I'm angry at someone for doing something so stupid and selfish. I am angry because this person has no regard for anyone else's feelings. I am angry because this person is hiding behind a facade, and the person who has probably been hurt the most has to just sit by and watch. This person tries to play the "woe is me" card, or "please feel sorry for me" because they want attention. If everyone knew what this person had done, who they really were, they would NOT feel sorry. They would be angry, too. They'd be angry that they let someone like this into their life. They would be angry that they did not see it coming. They would feel like I do, which is stupid. Stupid for buying all the lies. Stupid for trusting someone who did not deserve it. Stupid for letting someone back into their life and not being overly cautious.
Sometimes I wish I could just scream, that's how angry I am. I have so many words I wish I could say. I actually can say them, but it would only make the situation worse. If I said what was in my heart, I would hurt some very special people, and I am not willing to do that. But, oh, do I want to. Each time I see this person post on social media sites, it makes my stomach turn...literally. When I see little pictures, or quotes, or conversations being had, it makes me want to vomit. Because it's all fake. It's all a lie. I know it. That person knows it. But those who engage with this person don't. They couldn't possibly. Because if they did, I highly doubt they'd be so "supportive" of this person. If they knew that this person CAUSED all the drama in their life, or CAUSED the pain to other people, or CAUSED things to disintegrate, then they wouldn't be so quick to comfort this person in their "time of need."
I don't know how one person can lie to themselves so much and try to make a situation worse by throwing things in someone else's face. If I knew I'd hurt someone, I'd run and hide. I'd do everything in my power to make it right. I would carefully choose my words before posting on social media sites. I certainly wouldn't flaunt what I'd done. I wouldn't try to make others feel sorry for me, especially because I'd caused the situation in the first place. I wouldn't purposely draw attention to myself, that's for sure.
I do not, and probably will not, understand how someone could purposely hurt someone else, and then not really feel badly about it. When you disrupt someone's life, when you do everything you could possibly do to try and ruin this person, shouldn't you feel bad? I suppose not. Otherwise, you'd not do those things in the first place. I'm just really sick and tired of seeing it. I'm tired of seeing those I care about have to deal with it. I'm tired of being angry.
I just want to get to a place where I can look at this person and not feel rage. I want to come to a place where I can see their social media posts and just overlook them, or move on with no feelings one way or the other. I want to be able to know that those I care about are not going to have to deal with the nonsense. I want to take it all away for them, or at least shield them from the drama. I want this time to just go away, and for everything to be okay again.
I pray that I can come to peace with this situation. It might not directly affect me, but indirectly it certainly does. It stresses me out to see those I care about being hurt. It hurts. What this person did wasn't done to me, but it still hurts. I was lied to. I was made to feel like a fool. I opened my heart and family to someone who certainly didn't deserve to have a place there, and that makes me so angry, but also incredibly sad. I don't want to be Angry Kristin anymore. In time, I know the anger will fade. I just have to bite my tongue a little longer.
Right now, I'm really angry. I'm angry at someone for doing something so stupid and selfish. I am angry because this person has no regard for anyone else's feelings. I am angry because this person is hiding behind a facade, and the person who has probably been hurt the most has to just sit by and watch. This person tries to play the "woe is me" card, or "please feel sorry for me" because they want attention. If everyone knew what this person had done, who they really were, they would NOT feel sorry. They would be angry, too. They'd be angry that they let someone like this into their life. They would be angry that they did not see it coming. They would feel like I do, which is stupid. Stupid for buying all the lies. Stupid for trusting someone who did not deserve it. Stupid for letting someone back into their life and not being overly cautious.
Sometimes I wish I could just scream, that's how angry I am. I have so many words I wish I could say. I actually can say them, but it would only make the situation worse. If I said what was in my heart, I would hurt some very special people, and I am not willing to do that. But, oh, do I want to. Each time I see this person post on social media sites, it makes my stomach turn...literally. When I see little pictures, or quotes, or conversations being had, it makes me want to vomit. Because it's all fake. It's all a lie. I know it. That person knows it. But those who engage with this person don't. They couldn't possibly. Because if they did, I highly doubt they'd be so "supportive" of this person. If they knew that this person CAUSED all the drama in their life, or CAUSED the pain to other people, or CAUSED things to disintegrate, then they wouldn't be so quick to comfort this person in their "time of need."
I don't know how one person can lie to themselves so much and try to make a situation worse by throwing things in someone else's face. If I knew I'd hurt someone, I'd run and hide. I'd do everything in my power to make it right. I would carefully choose my words before posting on social media sites. I certainly wouldn't flaunt what I'd done. I wouldn't try to make others feel sorry for me, especially because I'd caused the situation in the first place. I wouldn't purposely draw attention to myself, that's for sure.
I do not, and probably will not, understand how someone could purposely hurt someone else, and then not really feel badly about it. When you disrupt someone's life, when you do everything you could possibly do to try and ruin this person, shouldn't you feel bad? I suppose not. Otherwise, you'd not do those things in the first place. I'm just really sick and tired of seeing it. I'm tired of seeing those I care about have to deal with it. I'm tired of being angry.
I just want to get to a place where I can look at this person and not feel rage. I want to come to a place where I can see their social media posts and just overlook them, or move on with no feelings one way or the other. I want to be able to know that those I care about are not going to have to deal with the nonsense. I want to take it all away for them, or at least shield them from the drama. I want this time to just go away, and for everything to be okay again.
I pray that I can come to peace with this situation. It might not directly affect me, but indirectly it certainly does. It stresses me out to see those I care about being hurt. It hurts. What this person did wasn't done to me, but it still hurts. I was lied to. I was made to feel like a fool. I opened my heart and family to someone who certainly didn't deserve to have a place there, and that makes me so angry, but also incredibly sad. I don't want to be Angry Kristin anymore. In time, I know the anger will fade. I just have to bite my tongue a little longer.
Friday, August 9, 2013
My Two Cents
I have been in a funk lately, and I can't seem to get out of it completely. My own thoughts of insecurity and inadequacy have been creeping back in. I have a lot of great things going for me, but those negative thoughts seem to scream louder than all the positivity in the world ever could.
It's really frustrating. I try not to be Negative Nelly all the time. I make a concerted effort to hide a lot of the physical and emotional pain if and when I experience it. I have been guilty of getting in a rut and it seeming like everything is going wrong with my life. Nobody wants to be friends with Debbie Downer. Nobody wants to hang out with that person who has nothing nice to say. But, do you really want to be friends with Fake Franny, either? Do you want to be friends with the girl who is smiling through the pain, or who is faking it until she makes it? Do you want a half-hearted friendship with someone?
I don't want to have friends like that, let alone actually BE that person. So, what do I typically do? I seclude myself. I shut myself off from those around me who seem to have it all in check. I go into my hidey-hole and wait until the sun starts to shine again. I know I'm doing it. I know how to get out of it. It's just hard.
As a piece of advice to others, though, something that doesn't help is constant criticism from loved ones, or from anyone really. If someone posts something on Facebook that might seem sad or depressing or negative, what will NOT help them out of their funk is to point directly at the negativity. It does NOT help to tell someone to snap out of it, or to be critical of them. It does NOT help to be insensitive to things that you do not understand. It does NOT help to be judgmental of someone else's life when you are sitting behind your computer.
What DOES help is picking up the phone and calling every once in awhile. Check on them. See if things are okay, or offer anything to help make things easier. If you notice a somewhat sad or depressing post on Facebook, how about sending them a private message with your concerns? Instead of nitpicking, why not praise the good you do see in their life? Instead of making fun of someone's situation or trying to "joke" about what you have no idea about, or really don't care about, how about saying NOTHING at all? It is far better to silence your critical tongue than to take back something hurtful.
I'm not speaking to others while excluding myself here, either. I have been guilty of all of these. I hope that when/if I've been this way that I could be forgiven for being less than what that person deserves in a friend.
I will come out of my funk. I think a lot of it has to do with the kids starting school in a week. I know that it means that my days will be different. It means that I will have to buckle down and finish my thesis. It means that my time will be stretched thin. It means that I will feel those inadequate feelings and guilty feelings again for not being 100% everything to everyone. But, I will also soon see pictures that my daughter has drawn just for me while she was at school. I will see the amazing grades that my son will bring home after having accomplished something new. I will see their smiling faces on the sidelines of the football field, and the basketball court, and whatever other extra-curricular activity they choose. And I will be beaming with pride.
For now, I'm just trying to get by and do it all the best that I can. But, I will ask one thing from whoever decides to read this. If you have something hurtful, distasteful, or negative to say to me, please think twice before calling, writing, or texting your comments to me. I am definitely going through a lot right now. Maybe it's an early mid-life crisis. I don't know. But, I don't need judgment, criticism, or hateful comments right now. What I will welcome with open arms are words of encouragement, love, funny stories about your kids or family, scripture, etc., as long as it comes from a place of positivity and thoughtfulness.
That's all.
Thanks, in advance!
It's really frustrating. I try not to be Negative Nelly all the time. I make a concerted effort to hide a lot of the physical and emotional pain if and when I experience it. I have been guilty of getting in a rut and it seeming like everything is going wrong with my life. Nobody wants to be friends with Debbie Downer. Nobody wants to hang out with that person who has nothing nice to say. But, do you really want to be friends with Fake Franny, either? Do you want to be friends with the girl who is smiling through the pain, or who is faking it until she makes it? Do you want a half-hearted friendship with someone?
I don't want to have friends like that, let alone actually BE that person. So, what do I typically do? I seclude myself. I shut myself off from those around me who seem to have it all in check. I go into my hidey-hole and wait until the sun starts to shine again. I know I'm doing it. I know how to get out of it. It's just hard.
As a piece of advice to others, though, something that doesn't help is constant criticism from loved ones, or from anyone really. If someone posts something on Facebook that might seem sad or depressing or negative, what will NOT help them out of their funk is to point directly at the negativity. It does NOT help to tell someone to snap out of it, or to be critical of them. It does NOT help to be insensitive to things that you do not understand. It does NOT help to be judgmental of someone else's life when you are sitting behind your computer.
What DOES help is picking up the phone and calling every once in awhile. Check on them. See if things are okay, or offer anything to help make things easier. If you notice a somewhat sad or depressing post on Facebook, how about sending them a private message with your concerns? Instead of nitpicking, why not praise the good you do see in their life? Instead of making fun of someone's situation or trying to "joke" about what you have no idea about, or really don't care about, how about saying NOTHING at all? It is far better to silence your critical tongue than to take back something hurtful.
I'm not speaking to others while excluding myself here, either. I have been guilty of all of these. I hope that when/if I've been this way that I could be forgiven for being less than what that person deserves in a friend.
I will come out of my funk. I think a lot of it has to do with the kids starting school in a week. I know that it means that my days will be different. It means that I will have to buckle down and finish my thesis. It means that my time will be stretched thin. It means that I will feel those inadequate feelings and guilty feelings again for not being 100% everything to everyone. But, I will also soon see pictures that my daughter has drawn just for me while she was at school. I will see the amazing grades that my son will bring home after having accomplished something new. I will see their smiling faces on the sidelines of the football field, and the basketball court, and whatever other extra-curricular activity they choose. And I will be beaming with pride.
For now, I'm just trying to get by and do it all the best that I can. But, I will ask one thing from whoever decides to read this. If you have something hurtful, distasteful, or negative to say to me, please think twice before calling, writing, or texting your comments to me. I am definitely going through a lot right now. Maybe it's an early mid-life crisis. I don't know. But, I don't need judgment, criticism, or hateful comments right now. What I will welcome with open arms are words of encouragement, love, funny stories about your kids or family, scripture, etc., as long as it comes from a place of positivity and thoughtfulness.
That's all.
Thanks, in advance!
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Just Breathe
What a terrifying 24 hours we've had here in Oklahoma! I just can't believe that it all really happened!
When the May 3, 1999 tornado hit, I was just a few days away from graduating high school. I was worried about my grandparents and my cousins and aunts and uncles who lived in Midwest City, Moore, and Norman. Luckily they were all safe and no one was hurt or lost their homes. I never would have dreamed that four years later I would marry someone whose parents lost their home in that very tornado. And that just a few short months after we were married, another tornado would rip through the same town, taking businesses and homes again.
The May 10, 2003 tornado came awfully close to my new in-laws' home yet again, only missing by a few streets. I was pregnant with Alex at the time, and Ryan was stuck on the highway trying to get home. This was the same highway that the tornado jumped and destroyed more homes and businesses. This was also before Ryan owned a cell phone, so I had no way of knowing whether he was alive or not until he walked through the door to our apartment. Alex was born just 2 short months later, so just imagine the panic I was going through: my husband might be trapped on the highway (it was shut down because of what was going on), my in-laws were in the direct path of the tornado, and I had no real safe place to go except to stand in the hallway of our downstairs apartment. I was pregnant and terrified.
I have always hated tornadoes, but I hate them even more now.
Just ten years after that terrifying experience, I was sitting across the state worried about my family who lives in the area. My cousin's children attend one of the two schools that was destroyed yesterday. My cousin's husband went and picked up his three children, all of whom are close in age to my own children, and took them to safety at my grandparents' home in Midwest City. Luckily, Grandma and Grandpa have a saferoom in their home, so everyone was gathered there. Jose, my cousin's husband, then went back to the scene and helped rescue workers dig people out of the rubble. Some of the children he helped pull out were classmates of his children. He also helped pull out their middle son's teacher. I just can't even imagine.
My in-laws were all safe, but we were out of touch for awhile. The tornado hit just a mile south of the elementary school where my sister-in-law teaches. It was headed straight for her school before it made a turn to the right. If it hadn't turned, it would have hit her school, the high school where my niece was, and then probably the junior high where my other niece was. Praise the Lord for that small twist of fate!
I'm bawling right now just thinking about the very close calls our family has experienced in the last 24 hours. There was another tornado that ripped through the Ramona/Vera area. I have an aunt and a great-uncle and great-aunt who live right near where this tornado was. They are all safe and okay. Praise the Lord!
This is the nature of tornadoes. They are unpredictable. People can say what they want, but the truth of the matter is: we know there's a possibility, we know that they will happen, we just don't know when or how destructive they will be. We can get pretty close to the timeline, but tornadoes are tricky, mysterious beasts. Like the one yesterday, they can drop down, destroy things in their path, and then disappear. They can be headed in a straight line or they can turn for no reason whatsoever. I will never understand tornadoes. But, if you're like me and you've lived in Oklahoma your whole life, you have to respect them. They are terrifying, unpredictable monsters. They can rip people's lives apart in seconds. And they can leave homes and businesses untouched just a few feet away from utter destruction.
As Moore rebuilds, all of Oklahoma will join together. We did it before, and we'll do it again. That's who Oklahoma is. That's what we are about. We are a family. As someone else said, we may not have fancy attractions or be pretty to look at, but we are an incredible close-knit community (the whole state). We take care of each other.
So, for now, we must remember to just breathe. Support those who lost loved ones. Lift up those parents in prayer whose babies were taken away from them yesterday. Donate your time, money, and anything else you can spare. We will come together and rebuild.
But, first, let's just breathe.
When the May 3, 1999 tornado hit, I was just a few days away from graduating high school. I was worried about my grandparents and my cousins and aunts and uncles who lived in Midwest City, Moore, and Norman. Luckily they were all safe and no one was hurt or lost their homes. I never would have dreamed that four years later I would marry someone whose parents lost their home in that very tornado. And that just a few short months after we were married, another tornado would rip through the same town, taking businesses and homes again.
The May 10, 2003 tornado came awfully close to my new in-laws' home yet again, only missing by a few streets. I was pregnant with Alex at the time, and Ryan was stuck on the highway trying to get home. This was the same highway that the tornado jumped and destroyed more homes and businesses. This was also before Ryan owned a cell phone, so I had no way of knowing whether he was alive or not until he walked through the door to our apartment. Alex was born just 2 short months later, so just imagine the panic I was going through: my husband might be trapped on the highway (it was shut down because of what was going on), my in-laws were in the direct path of the tornado, and I had no real safe place to go except to stand in the hallway of our downstairs apartment. I was pregnant and terrified.
I have always hated tornadoes, but I hate them even more now.
Just ten years after that terrifying experience, I was sitting across the state worried about my family who lives in the area. My cousin's children attend one of the two schools that was destroyed yesterday. My cousin's husband went and picked up his three children, all of whom are close in age to my own children, and took them to safety at my grandparents' home in Midwest City. Luckily, Grandma and Grandpa have a saferoom in their home, so everyone was gathered there. Jose, my cousin's husband, then went back to the scene and helped rescue workers dig people out of the rubble. Some of the children he helped pull out were classmates of his children. He also helped pull out their middle son's teacher. I just can't even imagine.
My in-laws were all safe, but we were out of touch for awhile. The tornado hit just a mile south of the elementary school where my sister-in-law teaches. It was headed straight for her school before it made a turn to the right. If it hadn't turned, it would have hit her school, the high school where my niece was, and then probably the junior high where my other niece was. Praise the Lord for that small twist of fate!
I'm bawling right now just thinking about the very close calls our family has experienced in the last 24 hours. There was another tornado that ripped through the Ramona/Vera area. I have an aunt and a great-uncle and great-aunt who live right near where this tornado was. They are all safe and okay. Praise the Lord!
This is the nature of tornadoes. They are unpredictable. People can say what they want, but the truth of the matter is: we know there's a possibility, we know that they will happen, we just don't know when or how destructive they will be. We can get pretty close to the timeline, but tornadoes are tricky, mysterious beasts. Like the one yesterday, they can drop down, destroy things in their path, and then disappear. They can be headed in a straight line or they can turn for no reason whatsoever. I will never understand tornadoes. But, if you're like me and you've lived in Oklahoma your whole life, you have to respect them. They are terrifying, unpredictable monsters. They can rip people's lives apart in seconds. And they can leave homes and businesses untouched just a few feet away from utter destruction.
As Moore rebuilds, all of Oklahoma will join together. We did it before, and we'll do it again. That's who Oklahoma is. That's what we are about. We are a family. As someone else said, we may not have fancy attractions or be pretty to look at, but we are an incredible close-knit community (the whole state). We take care of each other.
So, for now, we must remember to just breathe. Support those who lost loved ones. Lift up those parents in prayer whose babies were taken away from them yesterday. Donate your time, money, and anything else you can spare. We will come together and rebuild.
But, first, let's just breathe.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Growing Up
As I sit here in the living room watching my kids talking with each other, I am amazed at how quickly they seem to have turned into "big kids." I know they are only turning 8 and 10 this summer, but they aren't those little toddlers anymore. They have real conversations. They watch real movies, not just extended cartoons. They read books without any help anymore. They actually read to us instead of it being the other way around. And it feels like I just blinked and this all happened.
I always thought my parents and grandparents were being dramatic when they said that it seems like we grew up way too fast, right before their eyes. I never really understood that because it always felt like time stood still for me growing up. My summer days seemed to be endless. And magical. And it always felt like the times between years seemed to just creep by, not like my parents described it at all. But now that I'm a parent, it seems that they were right. Before I knew it, my son was finishing his 3rd grade year in school and my daughter was finishing her 1st grade year. Before I knew what hit me, my daughter was reading chapter books, and my son was writing in cursive. Where did the time go?!?
Wasn't it just yesterday when Reesey was stuck under her bed telling us, "I need some help!" and telling Uncle Larry not to boss her? Wasn't it just yesterday when Alex was telling us that Larry Bird pooped in his diaper and crying when we made him give back the football at the Fall Festival at church? Didn't that just happen? Where did my babies go? And who gave them permission to turn into these big kids with missing teeth and extremely vivid imaginations?
One thing I am ever grateful for is the fact that my children are best friends. They fight, don't get me wrong. But they love each other so very much that the fighting only lasts a few moments. I didn't have that growing up. While Alex and Reese's arguments are an "every once in awhile" thing, my brother and I fought all the time. Our moments of playing well with each other were more "every once in awhile." I hate that. We had some good times, like riding our bikes up and down Million Dollar Hill or playing football and baseball in the yard with the boys from neighboring houses. I love those memories. I only wish they weren't book-ended with memories of constant bickering and avoidance of each other all together. I'm glad that Alex and Reese aren't like that. I've tried my hardest to make sure they aren't because I didn't want Reese to grow up wishing her brother liked her or wanted to play with her, like I did.
Something that may seem odd to many is that, while my brother and I didn't get along growing up, he always had my back. And vice versa. If I was dealing with a jerk boyfriend, my brother would always offer to straighten him out. He warned me not to date certain boys because he knew what they were after, even if they were some of his best friends. When he was dealing with an awful girlfriend at school, one who was trying to spread rumors about him, I came unglued! I walked up to her (I was a freshman; she was a junior) and told her to shut her mouth or I'd do it for her. And I meant it.
When my basketball coach, who was also his senior class sponsor, died during my sophomore year, we shared a rare moment together in the hallway at school. We had gotten to school a little late that day, so we didn't see everyone acting all weird and sad. My first hour class happened to be Coach Kennedy's sophomore English class. When a fellow student asked if I'd heard the news, I was devastated. I had to leave the classroom because I couldn't keep myself composed. When I walked out into the hallway, I looked up to see my brother at the other end. I walked to him, no words being spoken, and we ended up just standing there hugging. I knew what he was thinking. He knew what I was thinking. Neither one of us said a word. It wasn't a long embrace, but it is one of the most meaningful experiences I've had with my brother. Ever. We were never affectionate with each other, but it felt so natural to me at the time. He probably doesn't even remember that moment, but it is etched in my brain just as clear as if it happened yesterday.
When I found out I was pregnant with Alex, he called me to see how I was doing. He played that quintessential "big brother" role, telling me that I didn't have to do anything I didn't feel comfortable with, and that he would support any decision I made. It meant everything to me to know he had my back yet again.
I just see siblings who are incredibly close to each other, and always have been, and I'm extremely jealous. I wish that we had that relationship. I love my brother. I always have. I've always wanted him to like me, to be proud of me. I'll just settle for helping my children to be that way for each other. I don't want them to doubt the other's feelings. I want them to know for sure that the other loves them, is proud of them. And if my brother and I ever get to a point in our adult relationship where we have a more consistent relationship, one with more frequent conversation or visits, then I will count myself incredibly blessed. If not, I'll know what I know. I've come to terms with the fact that we have the relationship we're going to have. I will always have his back, and I know he'll always have mine. No questions asked. We may not talk much. We may not see each other very often. But he's my big brother, and I can always count on him if I ever get into a situation where I need him. And vice versa.
I always thought my parents and grandparents were being dramatic when they said that it seems like we grew up way too fast, right before their eyes. I never really understood that because it always felt like time stood still for me growing up. My summer days seemed to be endless. And magical. And it always felt like the times between years seemed to just creep by, not like my parents described it at all. But now that I'm a parent, it seems that they were right. Before I knew it, my son was finishing his 3rd grade year in school and my daughter was finishing her 1st grade year. Before I knew what hit me, my daughter was reading chapter books, and my son was writing in cursive. Where did the time go?!?
Wasn't it just yesterday when Reesey was stuck under her bed telling us, "I need some help!" and telling Uncle Larry not to boss her? Wasn't it just yesterday when Alex was telling us that Larry Bird pooped in his diaper and crying when we made him give back the football at the Fall Festival at church? Didn't that just happen? Where did my babies go? And who gave them permission to turn into these big kids with missing teeth and extremely vivid imaginations?
One thing I am ever grateful for is the fact that my children are best friends. They fight, don't get me wrong. But they love each other so very much that the fighting only lasts a few moments. I didn't have that growing up. While Alex and Reese's arguments are an "every once in awhile" thing, my brother and I fought all the time. Our moments of playing well with each other were more "every once in awhile." I hate that. We had some good times, like riding our bikes up and down Million Dollar Hill or playing football and baseball in the yard with the boys from neighboring houses. I love those memories. I only wish they weren't book-ended with memories of constant bickering and avoidance of each other all together. I'm glad that Alex and Reese aren't like that. I've tried my hardest to make sure they aren't because I didn't want Reese to grow up wishing her brother liked her or wanted to play with her, like I did.
Something that may seem odd to many is that, while my brother and I didn't get along growing up, he always had my back. And vice versa. If I was dealing with a jerk boyfriend, my brother would always offer to straighten him out. He warned me not to date certain boys because he knew what they were after, even if they were some of his best friends. When he was dealing with an awful girlfriend at school, one who was trying to spread rumors about him, I came unglued! I walked up to her (I was a freshman; she was a junior) and told her to shut her mouth or I'd do it for her. And I meant it.
When my basketball coach, who was also his senior class sponsor, died during my sophomore year, we shared a rare moment together in the hallway at school. We had gotten to school a little late that day, so we didn't see everyone acting all weird and sad. My first hour class happened to be Coach Kennedy's sophomore English class. When a fellow student asked if I'd heard the news, I was devastated. I had to leave the classroom because I couldn't keep myself composed. When I walked out into the hallway, I looked up to see my brother at the other end. I walked to him, no words being spoken, and we ended up just standing there hugging. I knew what he was thinking. He knew what I was thinking. Neither one of us said a word. It wasn't a long embrace, but it is one of the most meaningful experiences I've had with my brother. Ever. We were never affectionate with each other, but it felt so natural to me at the time. He probably doesn't even remember that moment, but it is etched in my brain just as clear as if it happened yesterday.
When I found out I was pregnant with Alex, he called me to see how I was doing. He played that quintessential "big brother" role, telling me that I didn't have to do anything I didn't feel comfortable with, and that he would support any decision I made. It meant everything to me to know he had my back yet again.
I just see siblings who are incredibly close to each other, and always have been, and I'm extremely jealous. I wish that we had that relationship. I love my brother. I always have. I've always wanted him to like me, to be proud of me. I'll just settle for helping my children to be that way for each other. I don't want them to doubt the other's feelings. I want them to know for sure that the other loves them, is proud of them. And if my brother and I ever get to a point in our adult relationship where we have a more consistent relationship, one with more frequent conversation or visits, then I will count myself incredibly blessed. If not, I'll know what I know. I've come to terms with the fact that we have the relationship we're going to have. I will always have his back, and I know he'll always have mine. No questions asked. We may not talk much. We may not see each other very often. But he's my big brother, and I can always count on him if I ever get into a situation where I need him. And vice versa.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Kolby
I was just drifting off to sleep when I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. The only way for me to get these emotions out effectively is to write. I was overcome with thoughts from high school. Thoughts that brought me such joy, yet now fill me with sadness.
Kolby was several years younger than me. She was just beginning to get involved in our youth group at church as I was graduating from high school. The summer after I graduated was filled with many trips to the lake, into Owasso to hang out and eat lunch, and many youth activities. My friend Kristi and I spent a lot of time together that summer. And in that time, we kind of took Kolby under our wings. We wanted her to feel included even though she was so much younger than us. We invited her to the lake with us. We included her in all the fun things we did at Falls Creek. We let her tag along with us in our trip to Big Splash. She was so much fun that the age difference didn't matter.
Kolby was a force to be reckoned with. She was feisty. She was kind. She was stubborn. She was giving. She could be ornery, but she could be so loving at the same time. I miss that. When I was at OU, my mom called and told me that Kolby had gotten really sick and they weren't sure if she was going to make it. I knew she'd pull through. She was too stubborn to be taken so quickly and mysteriously. She did just that. We drifted apart after I left for college. Now, when I think back on it, it really breaks my heart. I have such great memories of that summer spent with Kolby and it could have been more. But I didn't put in enough effort. It makes me sick to think about.
When Kolby got pregnant with her sweet little guy, Madden, I felt connected to her again. I was a young mom, and I knew what it was like to be scared of things to come. We'd connected again through Facebook, and I offered her my advice on things. I don't know how much of it made sense, but it felt good to reconnect with her. She dealt with some rough patches and I offered her a place to stay. She never took me up on it, but she knew that the offer stood, no matter when or why.
And then she was gone. It was June 11th. I went to pick up the kids at my Grandma and Papa's house after we'd closed on our new home. Grandma asked if I knew what happened to Kolby. She then told me what she knew, that the ladies on the Prayer Chain had called and said she'd passed away in her sleep. I thought Grandma was confused. When I acted weird, Grandma started to doubt herself. So, I called their church and asked the secretary if Grandma was mistaken. No. It was true. And the floor dropped out from under me.
I felt guilty for not making more of an effort. She had meant so much to me, yet I never really let her know. She was a big part of my life that summer, and I let it slip away. And now she's gone, and I can't get it back. I can't offer her any advice on her little guy anymore. I can't offer her a place to stay if she needs one. I can't go to the lake, or take random trips to Owasso, or have her tag along to Big Splash anymore. I know she's in a much better place, but I miss her. I am so mad at myself for not trying harder with her.
I don't know. I was just thinking about Kolby and had to get it out. I miss you, sweet girl! But I know I'll see you again one day! Love you!!
Kolby was several years younger than me. She was just beginning to get involved in our youth group at church as I was graduating from high school. The summer after I graduated was filled with many trips to the lake, into Owasso to hang out and eat lunch, and many youth activities. My friend Kristi and I spent a lot of time together that summer. And in that time, we kind of took Kolby under our wings. We wanted her to feel included even though she was so much younger than us. We invited her to the lake with us. We included her in all the fun things we did at Falls Creek. We let her tag along with us in our trip to Big Splash. She was so much fun that the age difference didn't matter.
Kolby was a force to be reckoned with. She was feisty. She was kind. She was stubborn. She was giving. She could be ornery, but she could be so loving at the same time. I miss that. When I was at OU, my mom called and told me that Kolby had gotten really sick and they weren't sure if she was going to make it. I knew she'd pull through. She was too stubborn to be taken so quickly and mysteriously. She did just that. We drifted apart after I left for college. Now, when I think back on it, it really breaks my heart. I have such great memories of that summer spent with Kolby and it could have been more. But I didn't put in enough effort. It makes me sick to think about.
When Kolby got pregnant with her sweet little guy, Madden, I felt connected to her again. I was a young mom, and I knew what it was like to be scared of things to come. We'd connected again through Facebook, and I offered her my advice on things. I don't know how much of it made sense, but it felt good to reconnect with her. She dealt with some rough patches and I offered her a place to stay. She never took me up on it, but she knew that the offer stood, no matter when or why.
And then she was gone. It was June 11th. I went to pick up the kids at my Grandma and Papa's house after we'd closed on our new home. Grandma asked if I knew what happened to Kolby. She then told me what she knew, that the ladies on the Prayer Chain had called and said she'd passed away in her sleep. I thought Grandma was confused. When I acted weird, Grandma started to doubt herself. So, I called their church and asked the secretary if Grandma was mistaken. No. It was true. And the floor dropped out from under me.
I felt guilty for not making more of an effort. She had meant so much to me, yet I never really let her know. She was a big part of my life that summer, and I let it slip away. And now she's gone, and I can't get it back. I can't offer her any advice on her little guy anymore. I can't offer her a place to stay if she needs one. I can't go to the lake, or take random trips to Owasso, or have her tag along to Big Splash anymore. I know she's in a much better place, but I miss her. I am so mad at myself for not trying harder with her.
I don't know. I was just thinking about Kolby and had to get it out. I miss you, sweet girl! But I know I'll see you again one day! Love you!!
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Momma
I am going to get sentimental here. I may get sappy. I may even make myself cry. But I am going to speak (write) straight from the heart. I absolutely love the word "momma." Spell it how you want. Call her what you will. A mother is one of THE MOST important jobs on this planet. It is a privilege to be able to call yourself "momma" or to have someone call you that. It is a title I do not take lightly.
I have been "Momma" for almost 10 years now. My son will turn 10 in July, which sickens me at the same time it brings me great joy. My son has been one of the greatest joys of my life. If I have done anything correct in this world, I know he is it, along with his sister. I may not be good at many things in this crazy world, but I know I am a darn good mother. My children are proof of that.
I know that sounds narcissistic. It's not, I assure you. I have some of the lowest self-esteem in many areas of my life. Being a mom is not one of those areas, though. My kids bring me great joy. They are truly incredible human beings.
Alex is one of the kindest, most genuine people I have ever encountered. His heart is truly that of a giving, loving person. There's a line from Kicking and Screaming where Will Ferrell's character says, "I am a kind and compassionate human being, with the heart of a lion!" It's said in a joking manner, and Alex has even said this exact line to just be funny, but it's the truth as far as he is concerned. He really is a kind and compassionate human being. He has been one of the happiest kiddos I have ever met, for literally his entire life. He was not a difficult baby by any means. He rarely cried, and when he did cry, he was easily soothed. I have countless pictures of that boy smiling from the time he was about 8 weeks old on. He just exudes happiness, which makes everyone else around him much happier. That kid can brighten anyone's day. He has the softest, sweetest voice. When you can catch him long enough to sit down and have a conversation (which is very rare for him), you would be amazed at what he says. For only being 9 years old, he is a wise old soul. He gets it. He understands more than a 9-year-old should. He truly is amazing. I could not have asked for a better son or a better first child because he made being a mom easy. I feel like I kind of cheated in the whole "being a first time mom" gig. It wasn't always easy, but I know I had it way better than a lot of other people. I don't take that for granted for one second.
Reese is by far one of the sweetest kids anyone will ever meet. She can be ornery, just like her Grandpa Brown, but she will also give her very last penny to someone in need. She has tried that on many occasions. She constantly thinks of others. Her feelings are genuinely hurt if she feels like she has done something to upset another person. She is the epitome of that saying "wearing your heart on your sleeve." And it is one of her greatest attributes. You might think that is strange, but I see her emotional sensitivity as an asset, not a fault. She is skeptical, yet very trusting of those close to her. She never takes someone at face value. It will always take her awhile to warm up to someone. But once you've proven yourself to her, you are a friend for life. She is loyal, honest, and compassionate toward those who are important in her life. This girl can, and someday will, move mountains. I don't know why I was blessed to become her mother, but I cherish it every single day. She is a momma's girl in so many ways. She always wants me to do things with her, listen to her many stories, look at her incredible art she creates, or just sit with her and watch television. She treasures the little moments in life, and I absolutely love that about her.
My mom has made being a mother to my own children easy. I had an incredible example. My mom was my mom first and my friend second. I can't tell you how many instances I have seen where moms want to be their kids' friend. They want to share clothes with their teenage daughters. They want to be buddies with their kids' friends. They want to be "the cool mom." My mom wasn't like that. My mom didn't care if we were friends. She didn't want to hang out with my brother's or my friends. I knew she was my mom and had my back whenever I needed her. But I also always knew that she was in charge. She set boundaries. She showed me what a mother's love is. It is truly unconditional. If I screwed up, and boy did I ever, she was there to give me guidance, but also to make me face the consequences. I appreciate that. It makes me appreciate the friendship we have now. If I need advice on parenting, she is ALWAYS the first person I call. If I need someone to vent to about a situation with a friend or coworker or school, she listens. She offers advice, or she just listens. That's what a mother does. Even in her silence, I know she loves me and has my best interests in mind. She's got my back. She doesn't have to say it. I know it. I can go a few days without talking to her and then spend the next phone call talking about anything or nothing and feel totally at ease. Outside of my husband, she knows my innermost secrets. She knows the thoughts I have about myself, the ugly thoughts that no one should have. She loves me in spite of my faults. Or because of them. She lets me have my feelings instead of telling me to "grow up" or "deal with it." She understands me, which is probably really difficult.
My mom has incredible instincts about people. I think that's where Reese gets it. She, my mom, can figure a person out in the first 5 minutes of meeting them, and 9 times out of 10 she's right. Reese is the same way. I never really thought about that until now. Wow! That woman. I mean, what else could I say about her? She truly is remarkable. I can't even begin to thank God enough for blessing me with such an amazing mom.
She was "Momma" back when I was little, and even though I don't always call her that, she's "Momma" still. Little things, like Carole King songs or perfume smells or television shows, will trigger memories of my childhood. Those little things make me so glad that she's in my life and that I'm her daughter. I honestly wouldn't want to share her with anyone else, and I'm so glad that Jeff and I don't have to. We are truly blessed.
I don't know why I felt compelled to write about this. Maybe because I posted a picture from the day Alex was born on Facebook. Maybe because I got to help my mom out with something yesterday, and I love when I get to do that. Maybe I just really cherish the fact that I get to be someone's mom, and I get to have a fantastic mom myself. I don't know. I just love her. And I just love them. That's all.
I have been "Momma" for almost 10 years now. My son will turn 10 in July, which sickens me at the same time it brings me great joy. My son has been one of the greatest joys of my life. If I have done anything correct in this world, I know he is it, along with his sister. I may not be good at many things in this crazy world, but I know I am a darn good mother. My children are proof of that.
I know that sounds narcissistic. It's not, I assure you. I have some of the lowest self-esteem in many areas of my life. Being a mom is not one of those areas, though. My kids bring me great joy. They are truly incredible human beings.
Alex is one of the kindest, most genuine people I have ever encountered. His heart is truly that of a giving, loving person. There's a line from Kicking and Screaming where Will Ferrell's character says, "I am a kind and compassionate human being, with the heart of a lion!" It's said in a joking manner, and Alex has even said this exact line to just be funny, but it's the truth as far as he is concerned. He really is a kind and compassionate human being. He has been one of the happiest kiddos I have ever met, for literally his entire life. He was not a difficult baby by any means. He rarely cried, and when he did cry, he was easily soothed. I have countless pictures of that boy smiling from the time he was about 8 weeks old on. He just exudes happiness, which makes everyone else around him much happier. That kid can brighten anyone's day. He has the softest, sweetest voice. When you can catch him long enough to sit down and have a conversation (which is very rare for him), you would be amazed at what he says. For only being 9 years old, he is a wise old soul. He gets it. He understands more than a 9-year-old should. He truly is amazing. I could not have asked for a better son or a better first child because he made being a mom easy. I feel like I kind of cheated in the whole "being a first time mom" gig. It wasn't always easy, but I know I had it way better than a lot of other people. I don't take that for granted for one second.
Reese is by far one of the sweetest kids anyone will ever meet. She can be ornery, just like her Grandpa Brown, but she will also give her very last penny to someone in need. She has tried that on many occasions. She constantly thinks of others. Her feelings are genuinely hurt if she feels like she has done something to upset another person. She is the epitome of that saying "wearing your heart on your sleeve." And it is one of her greatest attributes. You might think that is strange, but I see her emotional sensitivity as an asset, not a fault. She is skeptical, yet very trusting of those close to her. She never takes someone at face value. It will always take her awhile to warm up to someone. But once you've proven yourself to her, you are a friend for life. She is loyal, honest, and compassionate toward those who are important in her life. This girl can, and someday will, move mountains. I don't know why I was blessed to become her mother, but I cherish it every single day. She is a momma's girl in so many ways. She always wants me to do things with her, listen to her many stories, look at her incredible art she creates, or just sit with her and watch television. She treasures the little moments in life, and I absolutely love that about her.
My mom has made being a mother to my own children easy. I had an incredible example. My mom was my mom first and my friend second. I can't tell you how many instances I have seen where moms want to be their kids' friend. They want to share clothes with their teenage daughters. They want to be buddies with their kids' friends. They want to be "the cool mom." My mom wasn't like that. My mom didn't care if we were friends. She didn't want to hang out with my brother's or my friends. I knew she was my mom and had my back whenever I needed her. But I also always knew that she was in charge. She set boundaries. She showed me what a mother's love is. It is truly unconditional. If I screwed up, and boy did I ever, she was there to give me guidance, but also to make me face the consequences. I appreciate that. It makes me appreciate the friendship we have now. If I need advice on parenting, she is ALWAYS the first person I call. If I need someone to vent to about a situation with a friend or coworker or school, she listens. She offers advice, or she just listens. That's what a mother does. Even in her silence, I know she loves me and has my best interests in mind. She's got my back. She doesn't have to say it. I know it. I can go a few days without talking to her and then spend the next phone call talking about anything or nothing and feel totally at ease. Outside of my husband, she knows my innermost secrets. She knows the thoughts I have about myself, the ugly thoughts that no one should have. She loves me in spite of my faults. Or because of them. She lets me have my feelings instead of telling me to "grow up" or "deal with it." She understands me, which is probably really difficult.
My mom has incredible instincts about people. I think that's where Reese gets it. She, my mom, can figure a person out in the first 5 minutes of meeting them, and 9 times out of 10 she's right. Reese is the same way. I never really thought about that until now. Wow! That woman. I mean, what else could I say about her? She truly is remarkable. I can't even begin to thank God enough for blessing me with such an amazing mom.
She was "Momma" back when I was little, and even though I don't always call her that, she's "Momma" still. Little things, like Carole King songs or perfume smells or television shows, will trigger memories of my childhood. Those little things make me so glad that she's in my life and that I'm her daughter. I honestly wouldn't want to share her with anyone else, and I'm so glad that Jeff and I don't have to. We are truly blessed.
I don't know why I felt compelled to write about this. Maybe because I posted a picture from the day Alex was born on Facebook. Maybe because I got to help my mom out with something yesterday, and I love when I get to do that. Maybe I just really cherish the fact that I get to be someone's mom, and I get to have a fantastic mom myself. I don't know. I just love her. And I just love them. That's all.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
I'm Back!
It has been two years since I've posted anything on this blog. A lot has happened in that time. One of the most important changes that took place was that we bought our first home. We moved to a new town, so that has been an adjustment. We are doing well, though, with that transition. The kids are in a smaller school system, which was/is very important to me. We now live in a neighborhood with families that have kids the same ages as our kids. This has been a God-send. I can't even begin to tell you how blessed we are with that. The kids can run down to the neighbors' houses and play until they are tired, or until the parents get tired of them. Ha! The reverse has also happened; kids come and play here and we LOVE it!
Another important thing that has happened is that I have been given the diagnosis that I had been searching to find for quite some time. I have Celiac Disease. It is very difficult to live with, often frustrating at times, but it is an adjustment we must make. One of the benefits of having CD is that I now have an answer to the questions. I have a frame of reference for why I was/am always getting sick. It may be financially difficult, especially because gluten free food is so expensive, but the monetary issues are worth the health rewards. One of the issues that I found with CD was that when I get any kind of sickness, whether it is the flu, a sinus infection, or bronchitis, it hits me harder than most. I am typically sick for much longer than I should be. This is because of my compromised immune system. CD is an auto-immune disorder. It is not just a sensitivity to gluten or an allergy. It is serious, not that the others aren't. But having CD has made me open my eyes up wider to my overall health. I can't just let things go. I must stay on top of it, for my health and the well-being of my family.
I am in my last couple of semesters of graduate school. It seems like this has flown by at times, and at others, it feels like I've been doing this forever. I have been able to make some incredible friends in graduate school, and I've been blessed to explore my love of English, writing, reading, and tutoring. I never knew that I would actually love to tutor people, but I feel like I have found my calling. I am so incredibly thankful that Ryan pushed me into pursuing my dream.
I am certain that there is much more I could discuss, but since I am feeling a bit under the weather, I believe I'll stop here. I will try to update this blog more. I forgot how much I enjoyed blogging. Until next time...
Another important thing that has happened is that I have been given the diagnosis that I had been searching to find for quite some time. I have Celiac Disease. It is very difficult to live with, often frustrating at times, but it is an adjustment we must make. One of the benefits of having CD is that I now have an answer to the questions. I have a frame of reference for why I was/am always getting sick. It may be financially difficult, especially because gluten free food is so expensive, but the monetary issues are worth the health rewards. One of the issues that I found with CD was that when I get any kind of sickness, whether it is the flu, a sinus infection, or bronchitis, it hits me harder than most. I am typically sick for much longer than I should be. This is because of my compromised immune system. CD is an auto-immune disorder. It is not just a sensitivity to gluten or an allergy. It is serious, not that the others aren't. But having CD has made me open my eyes up wider to my overall health. I can't just let things go. I must stay on top of it, for my health and the well-being of my family.
I am in my last couple of semesters of graduate school. It seems like this has flown by at times, and at others, it feels like I've been doing this forever. I have been able to make some incredible friends in graduate school, and I've been blessed to explore my love of English, writing, reading, and tutoring. I never knew that I would actually love to tutor people, but I feel like I have found my calling. I am so incredibly thankful that Ryan pushed me into pursuing my dream.
I am certain that there is much more I could discuss, but since I am feeling a bit under the weather, I believe I'll stop here. I will try to update this blog more. I forgot how much I enjoyed blogging. Until next time...
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Forgiveness
We are called to forgive. God forgives us every single time we hurt Him. Every. Single. Time. Why is it so hard to forgive someone when they've wronged you? For me, I think it is that much harder to forgive when the person does not feel any remorse, or at least has not expressed it. But my parents have always taught me that forgiveness doesn't mean that you accept what's been done. It just means that you're letting go of the hurt and allowing yourself to not become bitter to what has occurred.
When it's a serious offense, it takes much longer. Well, it takes longer for me. It doesn't erase the hurt. Maybe it just makes it easier to deal with, once you finally forgive. I know God tells us "seven times seventy" is the number of times we should forgive. It's just so hard. This is something I'm currently struggling with.
There are people in my life, and people who are no longer in my life (by my own choice, or theirs), that I need to forgive. They have not asked for forgiveness, and to be honest I don't think they ever will. But they need my forgiveness. More importantly, I need to give it to them. But it's not for them. It's for me. I do not want to harbor bitterness in my heart. I want to be an effective Christian. Without forgiving those who've wronged me, no matter how trivial or severe, I don't believe that I can truly be just that, an effective Christian. How can I lead others to Christ when I have this huge pain in my heart. I haven't given it to Him, and I need to.
I'm praying that I will be able to do this. I want to. I just don't know how right now. So, if you're reading this, please pray for me. Pray that I find a forgiving spirit. Pray that God will show me the most effective way to forgive someone. I need to do this. I want to. I just don't know if I'm ready. Pray for my willingness to do this. Thank you so much!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Summertime, summertime, sum- sum- summertime!
June is finally here! Why on earth am I so excited that June is here? I HATE hot weather. I would much rather spend my days in Colorado in the middle of winter. That's just the kind of girl I am. But the reason I'm so excited that June is officially here is that we are going on our first ever FAMILY VACATION!! Ryan and I have taken little overnight vacations here and there. We even went to Vegas for a few days earlier this year, but that was for Ryan's brother's wedding. Vacation, yes, but it had an agenda.
We have never taken the kids anywhere for vacation. I guess it's because they are so young that, before, we knew that they wouldn't really enjoy it and/or remember what we were doing. It has to be so incredibly difficult for parents who take their babies places, especially during the summer when it's so hot! I don't know how or why they do it. I'm glad we haven't, though. I mean, the kids are almost 7 and 5, and it almost doesn't seem fair that we haven't taken them out of the state...EVER. But I know my children. They did great when we went to Lawton for Hunter's graduation, and that was kind of a trial run for us. We slept overnight in a hotel, so we got to test the waters a bit to see how they would do. Really it was to see how we all would do. And they absolutely loved it!
We probably picked the worst time to take a vacation to Texas, but it was when Ryan's bid week was, so we wanted to take advantage. He only gets to bid 3 or 4 weeks a year, and summer is almost always taken by the time the bid sheet gets around to him; being so low in seniority will do that to ya. So this year (well, last November-ish) when a week in June was left open, he jumped at the chance. With Alex now in school and Reese starting Pre-K in August, we knew that his week in October would be out as far as taking a family vacation somewhere. I can not justify taking my kids out of school for a vacation. I know that some parents do it, but I will not hinder their education for a trip. There are other times we could go and, to me, school is way more important. Of course, I'm a school nerd and I LOVE(d) school, so I may be biased a bit.
We are taking the kids to Arlington in a week. Well, it's less than a week away. We're leaving on Sunday to go to Ryan's folks' to spend the night, and to break the drive up. I know my kids. 4 1/2 to 5 1/2 hours in a car would never fly. Then we've got it all planned out. We're going to a Texas Rangers game on Monday night and then to Hurricane Harbor on Tuesday. We'll be headed back to Oklahoma on Wednesday, but I'm not sure if we'll stop at Ryan's folks' again or if we'll just try to drive straight through. I know what my choice is, but we'll see when the time actually comes. The kids are so stinkin' excited! They've been telling people for weeks now that we're going to Texas for vacation. I think they're more excited about the idea right now than they are about what we'll actually be doing. They have no idea what's in store for them and I love that!
I can't wait to see their little faces when we're at the Ballpark at Arlington and when we finally get to Hurricane Harbor. I'll post pictures because I know they will be priceless. The McAlister clan is going to have one heck of a vacation, even if it is just for a few days. Remember, my kids are only 6 and 4. Small doses.
We have never taken the kids anywhere for vacation. I guess it's because they are so young that, before, we knew that they wouldn't really enjoy it and/or remember what we were doing. It has to be so incredibly difficult for parents who take their babies places, especially during the summer when it's so hot! I don't know how or why they do it. I'm glad we haven't, though. I mean, the kids are almost 7 and 5, and it almost doesn't seem fair that we haven't taken them out of the state...EVER. But I know my children. They did great when we went to Lawton for Hunter's graduation, and that was kind of a trial run for us. We slept overnight in a hotel, so we got to test the waters a bit to see how they would do. Really it was to see how we all would do. And they absolutely loved it!
We probably picked the worst time to take a vacation to Texas, but it was when Ryan's bid week was, so we wanted to take advantage. He only gets to bid 3 or 4 weeks a year, and summer is almost always taken by the time the bid sheet gets around to him; being so low in seniority will do that to ya. So this year (well, last November-ish) when a week in June was left open, he jumped at the chance. With Alex now in school and Reese starting Pre-K in August, we knew that his week in October would be out as far as taking a family vacation somewhere. I can not justify taking my kids out of school for a vacation. I know that some parents do it, but I will not hinder their education for a trip. There are other times we could go and, to me, school is way more important. Of course, I'm a school nerd and I LOVE(d) school, so I may be biased a bit.
We are taking the kids to Arlington in a week. Well, it's less than a week away. We're leaving on Sunday to go to Ryan's folks' to spend the night, and to break the drive up. I know my kids. 4 1/2 to 5 1/2 hours in a car would never fly. Then we've got it all planned out. We're going to a Texas Rangers game on Monday night and then to Hurricane Harbor on Tuesday. We'll be headed back to Oklahoma on Wednesday, but I'm not sure if we'll stop at Ryan's folks' again or if we'll just try to drive straight through. I know what my choice is, but we'll see when the time actually comes. The kids are so stinkin' excited! They've been telling people for weeks now that we're going to Texas for vacation. I think they're more excited about the idea right now than they are about what we'll actually be doing. They have no idea what's in store for them and I love that!
I can't wait to see their little faces when we're at the Ballpark at Arlington and when we finally get to Hurricane Harbor. I'll post pictures because I know they will be priceless. The McAlister clan is going to have one heck of a vacation, even if it is just for a few days. Remember, my kids are only 6 and 4. Small doses.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Mixed Emotions
My graduation has come and gone. The night itself was quite overwhelming and wonderful and scary and sad all at the same time. How can that be? Well, it just was. It was completely overwhelming for me to actually be crossing that stage, in my college cap and gown, and accepting my diploma (case only) from President Betz. It's something that I always knew I could do, but didn't know if the day would ever come. It was wonderful because I got to graduate with my best friend, Joy. I had never thought about it before, but that was an amazing thing as well. To get to graduate with your best friend? I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. It was scary because I kept thinking to myself, "Are you really doing this?" It was like it was surreal almost. I didn't want to get there and have them say, "Oh, wait. Sorry, you're not graduating." Luckily that didn't happen. I was very sad because this was another chapter that was over. The saddest part of it was that I could have graduated with honors, but because I hadn't focused enough my last two semesters at OU, I wasn't able to bring my GPA up enough to do so. I tried hard, believe me. It just wasn't enough. And it was really embarrassing to me because I knew it could have been done, but I have no one to blame but myself.
It's also what's come, or rather what hasn't come since my graduation that's got me with mixed emotions. Now, I'm not a "gimme presents" type of person. I'd actually prefer to not get presents. But on a day like Monday, one of the biggest days of my life, I would have liked to have some recognition from family members of this monumental accomplishment. There were family members that could have been there that chose not to come. I will never understand that, mostly because there were family members who absolutely couldn't be there but would have if possible. Why didn't you show up? I will never get this day back, and you weren't there to celebrate it with me. It hurts. Seriously. I also have family members who not only didn't come, but haven't even acknowledged that I graduated. Nothing. Not a phone call, not a card in the mail, squat! Something as simple as, "We're really proud of you! We knew it was hard, and we're so happy for you!" would have been enough, honestly. But, nope. I don't get it. What this says to me is that my momentous occasions are nothing. It doesn't matter that I graduated. It's nothing. It's unimportant. And, it wasn't harder for me to do this time around because I have two kids and a husband and one income. At least that's the message this is sending me. I don't want to be selfish, but it would be nice if some recognition was given to me for doing something that about 80% of Oklahomans haven't and will not do. Not important enough, I guess.
The family and friends that I did have there made the night amazing! It was incredible and I'm so lucky to have the support I do. And there were family and friends who couldn't be there that acknowledged what I had accomplished. And I love them dearly for it!
I guess I had higher expectations than I should have. I know there were some people there that didn't have anyone supporting them. But if all I've heard over the last 3 years is, "Just finish. Get that degree. You 'deserve' it," then why wouldn't they come to be a part of something so great? I just don't get it.
It's also what's come, or rather what hasn't come since my graduation that's got me with mixed emotions. Now, I'm not a "gimme presents" type of person. I'd actually prefer to not get presents. But on a day like Monday, one of the biggest days of my life, I would have liked to have some recognition from family members of this monumental accomplishment. There were family members that could have been there that chose not to come. I will never understand that, mostly because there were family members who absolutely couldn't be there but would have if possible. Why didn't you show up? I will never get this day back, and you weren't there to celebrate it with me. It hurts. Seriously. I also have family members who not only didn't come, but haven't even acknowledged that I graduated. Nothing. Not a phone call, not a card in the mail, squat! Something as simple as, "We're really proud of you! We knew it was hard, and we're so happy for you!" would have been enough, honestly. But, nope. I don't get it. What this says to me is that my momentous occasions are nothing. It doesn't matter that I graduated. It's nothing. It's unimportant. And, it wasn't harder for me to do this time around because I have two kids and a husband and one income. At least that's the message this is sending me. I don't want to be selfish, but it would be nice if some recognition was given to me for doing something that about 80% of Oklahomans haven't and will not do. Not important enough, I guess.
The family and friends that I did have there made the night amazing! It was incredible and I'm so lucky to have the support I do. And there were family and friends who couldn't be there that acknowledged what I had accomplished. And I love them dearly for it!
I guess I had higher expectations than I should have. I know there were some people there that didn't have anyone supporting them. But if all I've heard over the last 3 years is, "Just finish. Get that degree. You 'deserve' it," then why wouldn't they come to be a part of something so great? I just don't get it.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Graduation
It has taken me 11 years to get here, but it has been so worth it. Eleven years to graduate college? Yep! I've been to three different schools, but I've finally found my place and my passion. I couldn't be more excited about this!
What changed for me over the past eleven years? For starters...
1. I moved away from home. Home was my safety net. I am extremely close to my parents and to move two and a half hours away from them felt like I was moving across the world. I was fortunate to be close enough to home that I could drive home on the weekends, which I did my first year at OU.
2. I became an adult. I had my first ever birthday away from home while I was at OU and that was very lonely and very exciting all at the same time. I hadn't been there long enough to make friends yet, but I knew that great things were about to come my way. I turned 21 while I was there also. I'm not a drinker, so that birthday was more of a "coming of age" thing for me. I was officially, legally an adult.
3. I joined a new church. It was probably one of the hardest decisions I had to make while "away from home." I debated for months and months. My heart broke as I felt I was leaving my old "family" behind and abandoning them. What I didn't realize was that I was gaining a whole new "family," one that would help mold the person I am today.
4. I met Ryan. What a momentous experience! I knew that God would bring my "one" into my life in His timing. I'm just grateful and quite proud of myself for actually listening when God spoke to me about Ryan. He walked into my life one night in January of 2002 and I was forever changed.
5. I dropped out of school at OU. I became so overwhelmed with what was going on. I was battling depression. Ryan came into my life, and we began dating at a time that was very confusing for me. I didn't really, truly know what I wanted out of life. I knew that he was the one I was supposed to go on this journey with, but I didn't know where the journey would take us. So, the easiest (and probably dumbest) solution for me was to drop out of school. I didn't even think about changing my major, considering that was the source of my confusion.
6. I got pregnant. Way too early. I was not ready to be a mom yet. I felt like Ryan and I were still just getting to know each other. I was acting reckless again, like I'd done just a few years earlier. But the difference this time was that I had a man who was going to stand by my side. I lost some really important people in my life during that time. It was one of the scariest experiences I'd ever been through and I felt like I was doing it all by myself. I did have Ryan, I'll give you that. But again, we were still just getting to know each other. My parents were a hundred miles away. What was I doing? How was I going to get through this?
7. I got married. We did it backwards, I guess you could say. But it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I could not have married a better man. Ryan has helped me grow into the woman I am today. I was still just a kid when we met. I am lucky that God showed me that when you mess up, if you ask for forgiveness, you will be forgiven. And I have been blessed. I have a wonderful husband who takes care of me and loves me no matter what comes in our way.
8. I had a baby. Two. My pregnancy with Alex was a whole new experience for me. I was nervous all the time. I was anxious about every little thing. And then, when I was thirteen weeks along in my pregnancy, I thought I was losing him. It was really scary, but we prayed and prayed and God brought us through it. I have never loved someone so much as I did Alex that day he was born. Or, that's what I thought until Miss Reese came along. How can you love someone so much and give them your WHOLE heart, and then are able to do the same thing all over again with another person? I'll never be able to explain it, but I know it to be true.
9. We moved. Ryan and I have lived in, let's see now...6 different places since we got married. SIX?!? We never lived anywhere for more than eight months until we got to Owasso. We lived in our apartment for 2 years and we've now been in our house for a little over 2 years. And we will move again in a few years, but we're hoping that will be our last. It will be when we actually buy a house. So, I'm hoping we pick a winner and stick with it. :-)
10. I went back to school. Somewhere along the way I did take a few classes at TCC, but I officially went back to school in August of 2007. I was nervous about it. I thought to myself, "What if it's just like the last time? What if I don't really belong here? What if I'm not cut out for college?" But I wanted to give it a try. And I'm so glad that I did. It took me longer to finish because I only went part-time, but I actually am finishing ahead of where I thought I would. The one disappointing thing about all this is that I did so well while at NSU that I could have been graduating with honors. Why am I not? Because of all my "soul searching" that I did my last few semesters at OU. They really cost me. And I have no one to blame but myself. But I will choose to look at it this way: I did it. I went back and finished and got my Bachelor's degree. And I did it for me. I didn't do this because I thought I owed it to my parents. I didn't do it because I wanted to get a better job. I did it because I knew I had the potential and the capability and I wanted my degree. I deserve it.
I have been through and done a lot in the past eleven years. I am sure there is a lot that I am leaving out, but these things seem like the most important. I have learned who I can really depend on when the chips are down. I know how to make $40 stretch into two weeks worth of groceries. I know that my kids will always know that their Momma loves them even if she doesn't feel like she shows it enough. And I have learned to take things slowly and carefully because if I rush, I usually end up disappointing myself and others.
Have I mentioned how proud I am of myself for finishing? I DID IT!!!!
What changed for me over the past eleven years? For starters...
1. I moved away from home. Home was my safety net. I am extremely close to my parents and to move two and a half hours away from them felt like I was moving across the world. I was fortunate to be close enough to home that I could drive home on the weekends, which I did my first year at OU.
2. I became an adult. I had my first ever birthday away from home while I was at OU and that was very lonely and very exciting all at the same time. I hadn't been there long enough to make friends yet, but I knew that great things were about to come my way. I turned 21 while I was there also. I'm not a drinker, so that birthday was more of a "coming of age" thing for me. I was officially, legally an adult.
3. I joined a new church. It was probably one of the hardest decisions I had to make while "away from home." I debated for months and months. My heart broke as I felt I was leaving my old "family" behind and abandoning them. What I didn't realize was that I was gaining a whole new "family," one that would help mold the person I am today.
4. I met Ryan. What a momentous experience! I knew that God would bring my "one" into my life in His timing. I'm just grateful and quite proud of myself for actually listening when God spoke to me about Ryan. He walked into my life one night in January of 2002 and I was forever changed.
5. I dropped out of school at OU. I became so overwhelmed with what was going on. I was battling depression. Ryan came into my life, and we began dating at a time that was very confusing for me. I didn't really, truly know what I wanted out of life. I knew that he was the one I was supposed to go on this journey with, but I didn't know where the journey would take us. So, the easiest (and probably dumbest) solution for me was to drop out of school. I didn't even think about changing my major, considering that was the source of my confusion.
6. I got pregnant. Way too early. I was not ready to be a mom yet. I felt like Ryan and I were still just getting to know each other. I was acting reckless again, like I'd done just a few years earlier. But the difference this time was that I had a man who was going to stand by my side. I lost some really important people in my life during that time. It was one of the scariest experiences I'd ever been through and I felt like I was doing it all by myself. I did have Ryan, I'll give you that. But again, we were still just getting to know each other. My parents were a hundred miles away. What was I doing? How was I going to get through this?
7. I got married. We did it backwards, I guess you could say. But it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I could not have married a better man. Ryan has helped me grow into the woman I am today. I was still just a kid when we met. I am lucky that God showed me that when you mess up, if you ask for forgiveness, you will be forgiven. And I have been blessed. I have a wonderful husband who takes care of me and loves me no matter what comes in our way.
8. I had a baby. Two. My pregnancy with Alex was a whole new experience for me. I was nervous all the time. I was anxious about every little thing. And then, when I was thirteen weeks along in my pregnancy, I thought I was losing him. It was really scary, but we prayed and prayed and God brought us through it. I have never loved someone so much as I did Alex that day he was born. Or, that's what I thought until Miss Reese came along. How can you love someone so much and give them your WHOLE heart, and then are able to do the same thing all over again with another person? I'll never be able to explain it, but I know it to be true.
9. We moved. Ryan and I have lived in, let's see now...6 different places since we got married. SIX?!? We never lived anywhere for more than eight months until we got to Owasso. We lived in our apartment for 2 years and we've now been in our house for a little over 2 years. And we will move again in a few years, but we're hoping that will be our last. It will be when we actually buy a house. So, I'm hoping we pick a winner and stick with it. :-)
10. I went back to school. Somewhere along the way I did take a few classes at TCC, but I officially went back to school in August of 2007. I was nervous about it. I thought to myself, "What if it's just like the last time? What if I don't really belong here? What if I'm not cut out for college?" But I wanted to give it a try. And I'm so glad that I did. It took me longer to finish because I only went part-time, but I actually am finishing ahead of where I thought I would. The one disappointing thing about all this is that I did so well while at NSU that I could have been graduating with honors. Why am I not? Because of all my "soul searching" that I did my last few semesters at OU. They really cost me. And I have no one to blame but myself. But I will choose to look at it this way: I did it. I went back and finished and got my Bachelor's degree. And I did it for me. I didn't do this because I thought I owed it to my parents. I didn't do it because I wanted to get a better job. I did it because I knew I had the potential and the capability and I wanted my degree. I deserve it.
I have been through and done a lot in the past eleven years. I am sure there is a lot that I am leaving out, but these things seem like the most important. I have learned who I can really depend on when the chips are down. I know how to make $40 stretch into two weeks worth of groceries. I know that my kids will always know that their Momma loves them even if she doesn't feel like she shows it enough. And I have learned to take things slowly and carefully because if I rush, I usually end up disappointing myself and others.
Have I mentioned how proud I am of myself for finishing? I DID IT!!!!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Reflections of a Lifetime
I know I do this a lot, but sorry. It's one of my "things" that I do. Anyway, I had a recollection back to high school and it got me to thinking about what my life could have been like. What would life have been like for me if I had stayed with my high school boyfriend?
I'll tell you this, I'm glad that I didn't end up with him. He is a cad; he's selfish to no end; he is completely amoral, in my opinion. I don't know what drew me to him. I like to think of myself as an intelligent person, but dating him has to be one of the dumbest things I've ever done. I put myself through Hell while I was with him. I did the same to my friends and family. Seems to me that I ended up on the better side of that break-up. What would my life have been like if we had stayed together, though? By now, I would either be so distanced from my family, because he's in the military, that I'd be lonely and depressed, OR I'd be knocked up for the fourth time and contemplating divorce. He's THAT BAD! God really looked out for me when I was dating him. Now, I made some STUPID and embarrassing mistakes when we were together, but I'm fortunate enough to have learned from them.
What would life have been like if I had married the next guy I dated after my high school boyfriend? Well, it probably would have been a little less conflictual, but not much. He and I were meant to be friends, and just friends. We fought a lot. We would fight because I felt like he didn't value me as an important part of his life. I think he felt like I shouldn't have wanted to be that important to him. I did care for him. I honestly contemplated marriage with him. Luckily, we both decided that that would not have necessarily been the right answer. Again, God looking out for me. The difference here is that he is a great person and I'm lucky to have known him. We just didn't work as a couple. So, life with him would possibly have ended in divorce as well. Divorce is not my solution to anything, don't get me wrong. But I do know how difficult I can be to live with, and when you mix in the wrong personality, sometimes people just give up. That's probably what would have happened had we stayed together. Don't get me started on the racial side of things because I definitely know that would have been a struggle, constantly.
I have it pretty good right now. I married the person God had intended for me to marry from day one. I may not have known it way back in high school, but He did (God, that is). And I'm proud of myself for being cognizant enough to listen when God literally spoke to me. It's an experience that I don't know would ever come around again. I'm lucky, I think, to have experienced that. I count myself that every day when I look over and see the man who will be standing by me for the rest of my life.
I couldn't have asked for a better mate in life, either. He keeps me grounded. He stresses me out, but in the next breath has me laughing so hard I cry. He tells me what I need to hear, not always what I want to hear. But he is caring and sensitive, as well. He's the perfect mix of what I could have ever dreamed up. He's not perfect by any means, but he's perfect for me. And I am lucky enough to call him my husband.
I know I've said that I'm lucky about a gazillion times. But I really feel that way. I can't choose another word to describe how it makes me feel to wake up every day in my life. It's not always great, but it's never as bad as it could be. And for that, I'm truly grateful!
I'll tell you this, I'm glad that I didn't end up with him. He is a cad; he's selfish to no end; he is completely amoral, in my opinion. I don't know what drew me to him. I like to think of myself as an intelligent person, but dating him has to be one of the dumbest things I've ever done. I put myself through Hell while I was with him. I did the same to my friends and family. Seems to me that I ended up on the better side of that break-up. What would my life have been like if we had stayed together, though? By now, I would either be so distanced from my family, because he's in the military, that I'd be lonely and depressed, OR I'd be knocked up for the fourth time and contemplating divorce. He's THAT BAD! God really looked out for me when I was dating him. Now, I made some STUPID and embarrassing mistakes when we were together, but I'm fortunate enough to have learned from them.
What would life have been like if I had married the next guy I dated after my high school boyfriend? Well, it probably would have been a little less conflictual, but not much. He and I were meant to be friends, and just friends. We fought a lot. We would fight because I felt like he didn't value me as an important part of his life. I think he felt like I shouldn't have wanted to be that important to him. I did care for him. I honestly contemplated marriage with him. Luckily, we both decided that that would not have necessarily been the right answer. Again, God looking out for me. The difference here is that he is a great person and I'm lucky to have known him. We just didn't work as a couple. So, life with him would possibly have ended in divorce as well. Divorce is not my solution to anything, don't get me wrong. But I do know how difficult I can be to live with, and when you mix in the wrong personality, sometimes people just give up. That's probably what would have happened had we stayed together. Don't get me started on the racial side of things because I definitely know that would have been a struggle, constantly.
I have it pretty good right now. I married the person God had intended for me to marry from day one. I may not have known it way back in high school, but He did (God, that is). And I'm proud of myself for being cognizant enough to listen when God literally spoke to me. It's an experience that I don't know would ever come around again. I'm lucky, I think, to have experienced that. I count myself that every day when I look over and see the man who will be standing by me for the rest of my life.
I couldn't have asked for a better mate in life, either. He keeps me grounded. He stresses me out, but in the next breath has me laughing so hard I cry. He tells me what I need to hear, not always what I want to hear. But he is caring and sensitive, as well. He's the perfect mix of what I could have ever dreamed up. He's not perfect by any means, but he's perfect for me. And I am lucky enough to call him my husband.
I know I've said that I'm lucky about a gazillion times. But I really feel that way. I can't choose another word to describe how it makes me feel to wake up every day in my life. It's not always great, but it's never as bad as it could be. And for that, I'm truly grateful!
Friday, December 18, 2009
Relationships....
So, I have been doing a lot of thinking recently about people and relationships and the like. I think one thing that kept coming up was that who we are affects those around us. Obviously that can be both good and bad, but I want to take it much deeper, if I may.
As a little girl, I envied my brother in almost everything he did. He was so incredibly talented with art, an amazing athlete, and highly intelligent. I wanted to be just like him. I've never told him that and probably never will because we just don't have that type of relationship. Anyway, he was so impressive to me. He and I never really got along, though. It seemed like no matter what I did, I was always that annoying little sister that he didn't want to be around. Now, don't get me wrong, we did have some good times...some. But those were few and very far between. When we stayed home alone together during the summers, some days we would play together for hours on end. Other days, we would hardly speak to each other. It saddens me to think that I probably never will have a relationship with him, or at least not the kind of relationship I want to have with him. He is still incredibly talented with art, an amazing athlete, and highly intelligent. And I still look up to him, and not just because he's taller than me. But I don't think he realizes how much he means to me and how much I love him.
He went through a rough patch about two years ago, and our family almost crumbled. But he got through it, and we were all there for each other. We were kind to each other. There was no teasing, arguing, or hateful comments. We were civilized, loving people. And those few months, even though they were difficult because of the circumstances, were some of my most treasured because I felt like my brother saw me in a different light. My world stopped because of him. I neglected some of my duties as a wife and mother because I was so torn up inside because of what was happening to him. That's how important he is to me.
But then it all went back. He became that older brother who saw me as that annoying little sister again. He doesn't talk to me anymore. I hardly ever see him, and it's only when I go to see his kids play sports. I hate it that we're like that. I wish we could be close, much like Ryan's family. While they may tease each other, I can tell you this, he is closer to his siblings than any other person I know. And he's that way with all four of them, each in their own way. I am so incredibly jealous of that. My brother and I are all we have. And yet, what do we really have? We have an older brother who is in his own world, and probably doesn't even see this little sister he has and how much she hurts and longs for a big brother to want to be her friend.
I'm sure that will never ever change, but it has changed me. I love him, and I always will. But I know that he doesn't see me the same way I see him. And it hurts. Honestly, I think that's why I strive so hard for my children to have a totally different relationship. They love each other. They hug each other. They kiss each other. I think they are each other's best friend. I hope they never lose that, because that would be a tragedy.
I know that he's a different person now, my brother. And he has been through a lot in his 31 years on this earth. But one thing has never changed. I have always been his little sister, and I always will. And who he is affects me. It hurts me when he's hurting. It makes me glad when things are going well for him. I genuinely care about how he's doing, but how can I know that if we never speak? And why does it have to be that way? We just don't know how to have a relationship, and I think until he decides he wants to know me for who I really am, we never will. I'm always ready and willing, whenever that time may be...if ever.
As a little girl, I envied my brother in almost everything he did. He was so incredibly talented with art, an amazing athlete, and highly intelligent. I wanted to be just like him. I've never told him that and probably never will because we just don't have that type of relationship. Anyway, he was so impressive to me. He and I never really got along, though. It seemed like no matter what I did, I was always that annoying little sister that he didn't want to be around. Now, don't get me wrong, we did have some good times...some. But those were few and very far between. When we stayed home alone together during the summers, some days we would play together for hours on end. Other days, we would hardly speak to each other. It saddens me to think that I probably never will have a relationship with him, or at least not the kind of relationship I want to have with him. He is still incredibly talented with art, an amazing athlete, and highly intelligent. And I still look up to him, and not just because he's taller than me. But I don't think he realizes how much he means to me and how much I love him.
He went through a rough patch about two years ago, and our family almost crumbled. But he got through it, and we were all there for each other. We were kind to each other. There was no teasing, arguing, or hateful comments. We were civilized, loving people. And those few months, even though they were difficult because of the circumstances, were some of my most treasured because I felt like my brother saw me in a different light. My world stopped because of him. I neglected some of my duties as a wife and mother because I was so torn up inside because of what was happening to him. That's how important he is to me.
But then it all went back. He became that older brother who saw me as that annoying little sister again. He doesn't talk to me anymore. I hardly ever see him, and it's only when I go to see his kids play sports. I hate it that we're like that. I wish we could be close, much like Ryan's family. While they may tease each other, I can tell you this, he is closer to his siblings than any other person I know. And he's that way with all four of them, each in their own way. I am so incredibly jealous of that. My brother and I are all we have. And yet, what do we really have? We have an older brother who is in his own world, and probably doesn't even see this little sister he has and how much she hurts and longs for a big brother to want to be her friend.
I'm sure that will never ever change, but it has changed me. I love him, and I always will. But I know that he doesn't see me the same way I see him. And it hurts. Honestly, I think that's why I strive so hard for my children to have a totally different relationship. They love each other. They hug each other. They kiss each other. I think they are each other's best friend. I hope they never lose that, because that would be a tragedy.
I know that he's a different person now, my brother. And he has been through a lot in his 31 years on this earth. But one thing has never changed. I have always been his little sister, and I always will. And who he is affects me. It hurts me when he's hurting. It makes me glad when things are going well for him. I genuinely care about how he's doing, but how can I know that if we never speak? And why does it have to be that way? We just don't know how to have a relationship, and I think until he decides he wants to know me for who I really am, we never will. I'm always ready and willing, whenever that time may be...if ever.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Poems That Inspire Me
Sonnet 116
By: William Shakespeare
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
Sonnet 43 By: Elizabeth Barret Browning
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of Being and ideal Grace. I love thee to the level of everyday's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for Right; I love thee with the passion put to use In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith. I love thee with a love I seemed to lose With my lost saints,--I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life!--and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.
Where the Sidewalk Ends
By: Shel Silverstein
There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.
Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.
Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.
By: William Shakespeare
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
Where the Sidewalk Ends
By: Shel Silverstein
There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.
Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.
Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.
I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud
By: William Wordsworth
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed--and gazed--but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
By: William Wordsworth
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed--and gazed--but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
Monday, October 26, 2009
That big question, "Why?"
So, why is it that, with all of the homework that I already have to do, I am supposed to also do my son's kindergarten homework? And for that matter, why do kindergarteners have homework?
Why do the people you expect to be the last to disappoint you end up being the ones who inevitably will?
Why does money never stretch as far as you'd like it to?
Why is it that when you go for that last cookie, or that anticipated bowl of cereal in the morning, it usually ends up being gone, or the milk carton is empty?
Why does Monday always have a "feel" to it?
Why do we put our faith in men (mankind, not males) when we know they will let us down?
Why can I never admit when I'm wrong, but expect that of others?
Why is it that the lady who sits by me in one of my classes cheats off of me, "borrows" my study guide, and lies about how much work she did outside of class? And why do I allow all of this to go on?
Why are my children so weird?!? :-)
Why do I tend to ask questions that I know have answers I don't want to hear?
Why? Just, why?
Why do the people you expect to be the last to disappoint you end up being the ones who inevitably will?
Why does money never stretch as far as you'd like it to?
Why is it that when you go for that last cookie, or that anticipated bowl of cereal in the morning, it usually ends up being gone, or the milk carton is empty?
Why does Monday always have a "feel" to it?
Why do we put our faith in men (mankind, not males) when we know they will let us down?
Why can I never admit when I'm wrong, but expect that of others?
Why is it that the lady who sits by me in one of my classes cheats off of me, "borrows" my study guide, and lies about how much work she did outside of class? And why do I allow all of this to go on?
Why are my children so weird?!? :-)
Why do I tend to ask questions that I know have answers I don't want to hear?
Why? Just, why?
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Those were the days...
Sometimes I find myself looking back on some really great times during my childhood, and I wish I could just be 10 again. Like, when we would go to Rick's Roll-Arena in Owasso and roller skate for hours on end. I'll often hear a song on the radio and tell Ryan, "Hey! That song reminds me of roller skating." He usually just smiles or tells me it reminds him of HIGH SCHOOL! :-) Nevertheless, there are those magical times as a kid when it seemed like nothing could touch you.
I long for those days sometimes. As I inch closer and closer to my college graduation, I find myself reflecting back on those worry-free times. Those times seemed to have passed by so quickly. I can't even imagine what my parents must be thinking now about them. If they went by that quickly for me, they must seem like a flash to them.
Anywho...with graduation getting closer, I am getting more and more nervous. Why? I think it's because this is one of the biggest things I've ever done. It's in the top 5 of the biggest days of my life. First, of course, is my wedding day. Then come the births of my children. And then I think it's this day. Obviously this day is going to be special for what it is. But I think I find it more profound because this is the first time I've ever done something for myself. I have worked so incredibly hard for this. I'm doing this because I know I can. This isn't so I can get a better job at work, especially since I don't work right now. That doesn't even matter to me. I could go out and get any job right now and be perfectly content. But this is for me. This is something that I've always wanted. And now it's only months away. It's 6 months away! And I want everyone I know and love to be a part of it with me.
If I had graduated 5 years ago, when I probably should have, I think I would have been proud and felt accomplished. But somehow, I think it means more now. I've had a lot of obstacles thrown in my way. I have two small children who need their Momma. And I make sure I make the time for them. But I also have to make time for school. So there is this constant battle in my heart over who needs what time, and what needs to come first. But something remarkable happened to me the other day driving Alex to school. We were at the stop sign at the park near our house, and I hear this little voice in the back say, "Momma, you and Daddy will NEVER stop loving each other." That little angel knows that family is the most important thing to me. He knows how much Ryan and I love each other. So all those times where I thought that I might not have been showing them enough how important they were to me, all three of them, I guess I have been. From the mouths of babes, huh?
So, for those of you who have supported me and encouraged me in this endeavor, I wish to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I really couldn't have done it without all your kind words, prayers, and even distractions (when I really needed them). It has been a long hard 3 years, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Please come and celebrate my graduation with me. It would mean the world to me to have all my friends and especially my family there with me. This is for you, too! I really believe that. I want to thank you all for helping me along this journey! I know it's still 6 months away, but the way I see it, it's JUST 6 months away.
Who knows, maybe in 6 months, I'll take the kids roller skating and really show 'em who's boss!
I long for those days sometimes. As I inch closer and closer to my college graduation, I find myself reflecting back on those worry-free times. Those times seemed to have passed by so quickly. I can't even imagine what my parents must be thinking now about them. If they went by that quickly for me, they must seem like a flash to them.
Anywho...with graduation getting closer, I am getting more and more nervous. Why? I think it's because this is one of the biggest things I've ever done. It's in the top 5 of the biggest days of my life. First, of course, is my wedding day. Then come the births of my children. And then I think it's this day. Obviously this day is going to be special for what it is. But I think I find it more profound because this is the first time I've ever done something for myself. I have worked so incredibly hard for this. I'm doing this because I know I can. This isn't so I can get a better job at work, especially since I don't work right now. That doesn't even matter to me. I could go out and get any job right now and be perfectly content. But this is for me. This is something that I've always wanted. And now it's only months away. It's 6 months away! And I want everyone I know and love to be a part of it with me.
If I had graduated 5 years ago, when I probably should have, I think I would have been proud and felt accomplished. But somehow, I think it means more now. I've had a lot of obstacles thrown in my way. I have two small children who need their Momma. And I make sure I make the time for them. But I also have to make time for school. So there is this constant battle in my heart over who needs what time, and what needs to come first. But something remarkable happened to me the other day driving Alex to school. We were at the stop sign at the park near our house, and I hear this little voice in the back say, "Momma, you and Daddy will NEVER stop loving each other." That little angel knows that family is the most important thing to me. He knows how much Ryan and I love each other. So all those times where I thought that I might not have been showing them enough how important they were to me, all three of them, I guess I have been. From the mouths of babes, huh?
So, for those of you who have supported me and encouraged me in this endeavor, I wish to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I really couldn't have done it without all your kind words, prayers, and even distractions (when I really needed them). It has been a long hard 3 years, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Please come and celebrate my graduation with me. It would mean the world to me to have all my friends and especially my family there with me. This is for you, too! I really believe that. I want to thank you all for helping me along this journey! I know it's still 6 months away, but the way I see it, it's JUST 6 months away.
Who knows, maybe in 6 months, I'll take the kids roller skating and really show 'em who's boss!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Reese's Story (October 12, 2009)
Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Snow White and the seven dwarfs. And the handsome prince came to her castle, and she fell inside of the forest, and she fell in a little tiny house full of cobwebs, and all there is these little tiny guys named Sleepy, Dopey, Happy, Grumpy, Doc, and there was Bashful and Sneezy, yeah and then there was a bunny that Snow White found and all the animals runned away and all got in holes in the trees. And then all the dwarfs came home and the door was open and they found lights were on and Snow White cleaned their house so they made it dirty. The queen gave Snow White a poisonous apple and their was these dirty dishes and she dust chair and said, "What a pile of dirty dishes!" Then she flapped her rag out the window. This deer put this glove on a racoon. This racoon looked with meany eyes. The queen made her eat the poisonous apple. That was not very nice to laugh at her when she was dead. Then Snow White had her funeral. The seven dwarfs were sad. And even Grumpy was and Bashful and Dopey and Doc and Sneezy. Then there was this guy that was trying to get Snow White's heart. But he said he couldn't do it. The queen was being mean. She was trying to get this bird to go home. They were all glad Snow White was awake. And then the prince took her to the castle. Then she found pretty flowers but not wild flowers. I watched it all the times, and I love it.
**You can't tell me that isn't the greatest story you've ever read.**
**You can't tell me that isn't the greatest story you've ever read.**
Friday, August 21, 2009
Is the answer staring me in the face?
I never thought this day would come. And the words felt like an arrow to the heart. NO, nothing with me and Ryan. See, I took Reesey to get her 4-year-old Well Child Check on Wednesday. It was already a high-stress day, since it was Alex's first day of kindergarten.
So, off we went, just us girls. And it was nearing the end of the visit when Dr. Feghali dropped a bomb on me. He told me we need to consider having Reese's ears surgically corrected. She has ears that just don't look like normal ears. But it's something that I absolutely love about her. I think they add to her personality. The look of her ears is something that was genetically passed down from Ryan's family and a few people have ears that look similar. Ryan has been crushed since the day she was born, even crying about it the first time he saw her ears. Like there was anything he could do about it. I guess he feels like he did it to her, but I don't believe that at all. Again, I love her ears. I think she's beautiful and I think they are really cute!
So, what's the problem? Well, Dr. Feghali suggested it so nonchalantly and matter-of-factly that it just blew me away. And when would she be having this surgery? Well, before next summer was his suggestion. Really? He seems to be under the assumption that kids are cruel and she will be teased about them. While he's probably right, I just don't know what to do.
My biggest problem with the whole thing is simple. If we get the surgery done, are we telling her that we think there's something wrong with the way she looks? That's not a message I want to be sending her. Also, I don't want her to have to be put under anesthesia. I'm a mom. My main concerns are for her health and safety. I want her heart to be healthy as well, but at what cost? What are we really telling her? That if she doesn't have this surgery that we don't care about her enough to protect her from bullies? Will she be mad at us later in life if we don't do this now? Or, if we go through with it, are we telling her she looks funny and it needed to be fixed? I guess it's like children with cleft palates that have to be surgically reconstructed. But not really, actually. This is purely cosmetic. We'd be having it done so she wouldn't be teased. If she had a huge nose, would we get her a nose job? NO!
So, what do I do? One part of me is saying, "Just get it done. Quit being such a baby about it. She'll be fine and she'd probably want it done if she was old enough to decide." Then the other part of me says, "Don't do it. That baby looks to you for self-esteem. You don't want her to have a complex about her looks and that's exactly what you'll be doing to her if you do it."Agh! HELP!
So, off we went, just us girls. And it was nearing the end of the visit when Dr. Feghali dropped a bomb on me. He told me we need to consider having Reese's ears surgically corrected. She has ears that just don't look like normal ears. But it's something that I absolutely love about her. I think they add to her personality. The look of her ears is something that was genetically passed down from Ryan's family and a few people have ears that look similar. Ryan has been crushed since the day she was born, even crying about it the first time he saw her ears. Like there was anything he could do about it. I guess he feels like he did it to her, but I don't believe that at all. Again, I love her ears. I think she's beautiful and I think they are really cute!
So, what's the problem? Well, Dr. Feghali suggested it so nonchalantly and matter-of-factly that it just blew me away. And when would she be having this surgery? Well, before next summer was his suggestion. Really? He seems to be under the assumption that kids are cruel and she will be teased about them. While he's probably right, I just don't know what to do.
My biggest problem with the whole thing is simple. If we get the surgery done, are we telling her that we think there's something wrong with the way she looks? That's not a message I want to be sending her. Also, I don't want her to have to be put under anesthesia. I'm a mom. My main concerns are for her health and safety. I want her heart to be healthy as well, but at what cost? What are we really telling her? That if she doesn't have this surgery that we don't care about her enough to protect her from bullies? Will she be mad at us later in life if we don't do this now? Or, if we go through with it, are we telling her she looks funny and it needed to be fixed? I guess it's like children with cleft palates that have to be surgically reconstructed. But not really, actually. This is purely cosmetic. We'd be having it done so she wouldn't be teased. If she had a huge nose, would we get her a nose job? NO!
So, what do I do? One part of me is saying, "Just get it done. Quit being such a baby about it. She'll be fine and she'd probably want it done if she was old enough to decide." Then the other part of me says, "Don't do it. That baby looks to you for self-esteem. You don't want her to have a complex about her looks and that's exactly what you'll be doing to her if you do it."Agh! HELP!
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