I know I do this a lot, but sorry. It's one of my "things" that I do. Anyway, I had a recollection back to high school and it got me to thinking about what my life could have been like. What would life have been like for me if I had stayed with my high school boyfriend?
I'll tell you this, I'm glad that I didn't end up with him. He is a cad; he's selfish to no end; he is completely amoral, in my opinion. I don't know what drew me to him. I like to think of myself as an intelligent person, but dating him has to be one of the dumbest things I've ever done. I put myself through Hell while I was with him. I did the same to my friends and family. Seems to me that I ended up on the better side of that break-up. What would my life have been like if we had stayed together, though? By now, I would either be so distanced from my family, because he's in the military, that I'd be lonely and depressed, OR I'd be knocked up for the fourth time and contemplating divorce. He's THAT BAD! God really looked out for me when I was dating him. Now, I made some STUPID and embarrassing mistakes when we were together, but I'm fortunate enough to have learned from them.
What would life have been like if I had married the next guy I dated after my high school boyfriend? Well, it probably would have been a little less conflictual, but not much. He and I were meant to be friends, and just friends. We fought a lot. We would fight because I felt like he didn't value me as an important part of his life. I think he felt like I shouldn't have wanted to be that important to him. I did care for him. I honestly contemplated marriage with him. Luckily, we both decided that that would not have necessarily been the right answer. Again, God looking out for me. The difference here is that he is a great person and I'm lucky to have known him. We just didn't work as a couple. So, life with him would possibly have ended in divorce as well. Divorce is not my solution to anything, don't get me wrong. But I do know how difficult I can be to live with, and when you mix in the wrong personality, sometimes people just give up. That's probably what would have happened had we stayed together. Don't get me started on the racial side of things because I definitely know that would have been a struggle, constantly.
I have it pretty good right now. I married the person God had intended for me to marry from day one. I may not have known it way back in high school, but He did (God, that is). And I'm proud of myself for being cognizant enough to listen when God literally spoke to me. It's an experience that I don't know would ever come around again. I'm lucky, I think, to have experienced that. I count myself that every day when I look over and see the man who will be standing by me for the rest of my life.
I couldn't have asked for a better mate in life, either. He keeps me grounded. He stresses me out, but in the next breath has me laughing so hard I cry. He tells me what I need to hear, not always what I want to hear. But he is caring and sensitive, as well. He's the perfect mix of what I could have ever dreamed up. He's not perfect by any means, but he's perfect for me. And I am lucky enough to call him my husband.
I know I've said that I'm lucky about a gazillion times. But I really feel that way. I can't choose another word to describe how it makes me feel to wake up every day in my life. It's not always great, but it's never as bad as it could be. And for that, I'm truly grateful!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Relationships....
So, I have been doing a lot of thinking recently about people and relationships and the like. I think one thing that kept coming up was that who we are affects those around us. Obviously that can be both good and bad, but I want to take it much deeper, if I may.
As a little girl, I envied my brother in almost everything he did. He was so incredibly talented with art, an amazing athlete, and highly intelligent. I wanted to be just like him. I've never told him that and probably never will because we just don't have that type of relationship. Anyway, he was so impressive to me. He and I never really got along, though. It seemed like no matter what I did, I was always that annoying little sister that he didn't want to be around. Now, don't get me wrong, we did have some good times...some. But those were few and very far between. When we stayed home alone together during the summers, some days we would play together for hours on end. Other days, we would hardly speak to each other. It saddens me to think that I probably never will have a relationship with him, or at least not the kind of relationship I want to have with him. He is still incredibly talented with art, an amazing athlete, and highly intelligent. And I still look up to him, and not just because he's taller than me. But I don't think he realizes how much he means to me and how much I love him.
He went through a rough patch about two years ago, and our family almost crumbled. But he got through it, and we were all there for each other. We were kind to each other. There was no teasing, arguing, or hateful comments. We were civilized, loving people. And those few months, even though they were difficult because of the circumstances, were some of my most treasured because I felt like my brother saw me in a different light. My world stopped because of him. I neglected some of my duties as a wife and mother because I was so torn up inside because of what was happening to him. That's how important he is to me.
But then it all went back. He became that older brother who saw me as that annoying little sister again. He doesn't talk to me anymore. I hardly ever see him, and it's only when I go to see his kids play sports. I hate it that we're like that. I wish we could be close, much like Ryan's family. While they may tease each other, I can tell you this, he is closer to his siblings than any other person I know. And he's that way with all four of them, each in their own way. I am so incredibly jealous of that. My brother and I are all we have. And yet, what do we really have? We have an older brother who is in his own world, and probably doesn't even see this little sister he has and how much she hurts and longs for a big brother to want to be her friend.
I'm sure that will never ever change, but it has changed me. I love him, and I always will. But I know that he doesn't see me the same way I see him. And it hurts. Honestly, I think that's why I strive so hard for my children to have a totally different relationship. They love each other. They hug each other. They kiss each other. I think they are each other's best friend. I hope they never lose that, because that would be a tragedy.
I know that he's a different person now, my brother. And he has been through a lot in his 31 years on this earth. But one thing has never changed. I have always been his little sister, and I always will. And who he is affects me. It hurts me when he's hurting. It makes me glad when things are going well for him. I genuinely care about how he's doing, but how can I know that if we never speak? And why does it have to be that way? We just don't know how to have a relationship, and I think until he decides he wants to know me for who I really am, we never will. I'm always ready and willing, whenever that time may be...if ever.
As a little girl, I envied my brother in almost everything he did. He was so incredibly talented with art, an amazing athlete, and highly intelligent. I wanted to be just like him. I've never told him that and probably never will because we just don't have that type of relationship. Anyway, he was so impressive to me. He and I never really got along, though. It seemed like no matter what I did, I was always that annoying little sister that he didn't want to be around. Now, don't get me wrong, we did have some good times...some. But those were few and very far between. When we stayed home alone together during the summers, some days we would play together for hours on end. Other days, we would hardly speak to each other. It saddens me to think that I probably never will have a relationship with him, or at least not the kind of relationship I want to have with him. He is still incredibly talented with art, an amazing athlete, and highly intelligent. And I still look up to him, and not just because he's taller than me. But I don't think he realizes how much he means to me and how much I love him.
He went through a rough patch about two years ago, and our family almost crumbled. But he got through it, and we were all there for each other. We were kind to each other. There was no teasing, arguing, or hateful comments. We were civilized, loving people. And those few months, even though they were difficult because of the circumstances, were some of my most treasured because I felt like my brother saw me in a different light. My world stopped because of him. I neglected some of my duties as a wife and mother because I was so torn up inside because of what was happening to him. That's how important he is to me.
But then it all went back. He became that older brother who saw me as that annoying little sister again. He doesn't talk to me anymore. I hardly ever see him, and it's only when I go to see his kids play sports. I hate it that we're like that. I wish we could be close, much like Ryan's family. While they may tease each other, I can tell you this, he is closer to his siblings than any other person I know. And he's that way with all four of them, each in their own way. I am so incredibly jealous of that. My brother and I are all we have. And yet, what do we really have? We have an older brother who is in his own world, and probably doesn't even see this little sister he has and how much she hurts and longs for a big brother to want to be her friend.
I'm sure that will never ever change, but it has changed me. I love him, and I always will. But I know that he doesn't see me the same way I see him. And it hurts. Honestly, I think that's why I strive so hard for my children to have a totally different relationship. They love each other. They hug each other. They kiss each other. I think they are each other's best friend. I hope they never lose that, because that would be a tragedy.
I know that he's a different person now, my brother. And he has been through a lot in his 31 years on this earth. But one thing has never changed. I have always been his little sister, and I always will. And who he is affects me. It hurts me when he's hurting. It makes me glad when things are going well for him. I genuinely care about how he's doing, but how can I know that if we never speak? And why does it have to be that way? We just don't know how to have a relationship, and I think until he decides he wants to know me for who I really am, we never will. I'm always ready and willing, whenever that time may be...if ever.
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