When I was in my senior year of high school, I went through some major life issues, all of which I brought upon myself. I was spiraling out of control quickly, but I had a support system in place when I needed it the most. I was losing friends left and right, but was finding friends in unexpected places. God was speaking to me through a multitude of people and situations, even when I didn't really want to listen.
One thing that has meant the most to me, and has stuck with me for the past 15 years, is a poem that a friend's mom gave me. I felt like everything I'd ever worked for, like all of my accomplishments, like all of the good in my life, was slowly slipping away. I was sad...all the time. She saw that. She knew what I was going through, without really knowing.
She gave this poem to me, and probably doesn't even know that I still have it. It is framed, and it sits on the night stand by my bed. The paper is faded, and folded, and stained from tears. I reflect back on it from time to time, when I'm feeling down or depressed. February is a hard month for me typically, so it seems like this is the month when I am drawn to this poem the most. I do not know the author, even though I am certain it would be easy to find. I don't need to know. The words are what matters, and they are powerful.
Peggy, if you ever read this, please know that this has stayed an integral part of my life. It has meant more to me than I could ever explain. I had practically memorized this after about the first year of college. It still means so very much to me 15 years later. Thank you!
Comes the Dawn
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
And you begin to understand that kisses aren't Contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head held high and your eyes wide open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
You learn to build your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much,
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure,
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn . . . and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Angry Kristin
Sometimes in life, things happen that make us become really jaded. People come and go from our lives, and sometimes it really hurts. Sometimes, we're glad those people left our lives because we're both better for it. Sometimes, however, the loss really stings.
Right now, I'm really angry. I'm angry at someone for doing something so stupid and selfish. I am angry because this person has no regard for anyone else's feelings. I am angry because this person is hiding behind a facade, and the person who has probably been hurt the most has to just sit by and watch. This person tries to play the "woe is me" card, or "please feel sorry for me" because they want attention. If everyone knew what this person had done, who they really were, they would NOT feel sorry. They would be angry, too. They'd be angry that they let someone like this into their life. They would be angry that they did not see it coming. They would feel like I do, which is stupid. Stupid for buying all the lies. Stupid for trusting someone who did not deserve it. Stupid for letting someone back into their life and not being overly cautious.
Sometimes I wish I could just scream, that's how angry I am. I have so many words I wish I could say. I actually can say them, but it would only make the situation worse. If I said what was in my heart, I would hurt some very special people, and I am not willing to do that. But, oh, do I want to. Each time I see this person post on social media sites, it makes my stomach turn...literally. When I see little pictures, or quotes, or conversations being had, it makes me want to vomit. Because it's all fake. It's all a lie. I know it. That person knows it. But those who engage with this person don't. They couldn't possibly. Because if they did, I highly doubt they'd be so "supportive" of this person. If they knew that this person CAUSED all the drama in their life, or CAUSED the pain to other people, or CAUSED things to disintegrate, then they wouldn't be so quick to comfort this person in their "time of need."
I don't know how one person can lie to themselves so much and try to make a situation worse by throwing things in someone else's face. If I knew I'd hurt someone, I'd run and hide. I'd do everything in my power to make it right. I would carefully choose my words before posting on social media sites. I certainly wouldn't flaunt what I'd done. I wouldn't try to make others feel sorry for me, especially because I'd caused the situation in the first place. I wouldn't purposely draw attention to myself, that's for sure.
I do not, and probably will not, understand how someone could purposely hurt someone else, and then not really feel badly about it. When you disrupt someone's life, when you do everything you could possibly do to try and ruin this person, shouldn't you feel bad? I suppose not. Otherwise, you'd not do those things in the first place. I'm just really sick and tired of seeing it. I'm tired of seeing those I care about have to deal with it. I'm tired of being angry.
I just want to get to a place where I can look at this person and not feel rage. I want to come to a place where I can see their social media posts and just overlook them, or move on with no feelings one way or the other. I want to be able to know that those I care about are not going to have to deal with the nonsense. I want to take it all away for them, or at least shield them from the drama. I want this time to just go away, and for everything to be okay again.
I pray that I can come to peace with this situation. It might not directly affect me, but indirectly it certainly does. It stresses me out to see those I care about being hurt. It hurts. What this person did wasn't done to me, but it still hurts. I was lied to. I was made to feel like a fool. I opened my heart and family to someone who certainly didn't deserve to have a place there, and that makes me so angry, but also incredibly sad. I don't want to be Angry Kristin anymore. In time, I know the anger will fade. I just have to bite my tongue a little longer.
Right now, I'm really angry. I'm angry at someone for doing something so stupid and selfish. I am angry because this person has no regard for anyone else's feelings. I am angry because this person is hiding behind a facade, and the person who has probably been hurt the most has to just sit by and watch. This person tries to play the "woe is me" card, or "please feel sorry for me" because they want attention. If everyone knew what this person had done, who they really were, they would NOT feel sorry. They would be angry, too. They'd be angry that they let someone like this into their life. They would be angry that they did not see it coming. They would feel like I do, which is stupid. Stupid for buying all the lies. Stupid for trusting someone who did not deserve it. Stupid for letting someone back into their life and not being overly cautious.
Sometimes I wish I could just scream, that's how angry I am. I have so many words I wish I could say. I actually can say them, but it would only make the situation worse. If I said what was in my heart, I would hurt some very special people, and I am not willing to do that. But, oh, do I want to. Each time I see this person post on social media sites, it makes my stomach turn...literally. When I see little pictures, or quotes, or conversations being had, it makes me want to vomit. Because it's all fake. It's all a lie. I know it. That person knows it. But those who engage with this person don't. They couldn't possibly. Because if they did, I highly doubt they'd be so "supportive" of this person. If they knew that this person CAUSED all the drama in their life, or CAUSED the pain to other people, or CAUSED things to disintegrate, then they wouldn't be so quick to comfort this person in their "time of need."
I don't know how one person can lie to themselves so much and try to make a situation worse by throwing things in someone else's face. If I knew I'd hurt someone, I'd run and hide. I'd do everything in my power to make it right. I would carefully choose my words before posting on social media sites. I certainly wouldn't flaunt what I'd done. I wouldn't try to make others feel sorry for me, especially because I'd caused the situation in the first place. I wouldn't purposely draw attention to myself, that's for sure.
I do not, and probably will not, understand how someone could purposely hurt someone else, and then not really feel badly about it. When you disrupt someone's life, when you do everything you could possibly do to try and ruin this person, shouldn't you feel bad? I suppose not. Otherwise, you'd not do those things in the first place. I'm just really sick and tired of seeing it. I'm tired of seeing those I care about have to deal with it. I'm tired of being angry.
I just want to get to a place where I can look at this person and not feel rage. I want to come to a place where I can see their social media posts and just overlook them, or move on with no feelings one way or the other. I want to be able to know that those I care about are not going to have to deal with the nonsense. I want to take it all away for them, or at least shield them from the drama. I want this time to just go away, and for everything to be okay again.
I pray that I can come to peace with this situation. It might not directly affect me, but indirectly it certainly does. It stresses me out to see those I care about being hurt. It hurts. What this person did wasn't done to me, but it still hurts. I was lied to. I was made to feel like a fool. I opened my heart and family to someone who certainly didn't deserve to have a place there, and that makes me so angry, but also incredibly sad. I don't want to be Angry Kristin anymore. In time, I know the anger will fade. I just have to bite my tongue a little longer.
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