My son. Oh, my amazing son! When I look at his face, I see so much of myself, yet I am amazed at who he is that I don't quite know yet. From the day he was born, he has always been such a happy, kind soul. He loves to laugh, loves to make other people laugh, and loves to make friends with anyone he meets. His personality reminds me so very much of my father-in-law, Jerry, as well as my grandpa, Melvin. When you hear people say, "He never meets a stranger," you may not completely understand that concept. My son (and these two men) embodies this statement entirely. It's incredible to watch, and also a bit terrifying as a mother in this day and age. He is so loving and trusting, almost to a fault.
When I watch him play with his friends, I am amazed at his kindness. He is one of the older elementary-aged kids on our street, but he has no problem playing with kids who are younger than him. He doesn't care that they are not in his grade, or that he doesn't get to see them at school except for riding the bus to and from school. When they play, his imagination takes over and it's remarkable. I may not always understand their "games" they decide to play, or may think they're a bit silly. But when this kid plays, he goes all in. And he makes those around him enjoy themselves completely.
Now, when I say that he is like my grandpa, I mean it in so many different ways. This kid can talk. He tells stories all the time, just like my Papa. He is long-winded, and his stories often are about things he's played with his friends. But he tells them with such gusto and passion that he draws you in. He's also incredibly funny, which is something that has been coming to light over the last year or two. Our daughter has always had incredible natural comedic timing. That has not always been the case for Alex. But, boy oh boy, has that ever changed. And when he tells you something funny, and you laugh, you can see it on his face: the pride he feels for having made you laugh. When I can make him laugh, which is quite difficult these days now that he's almost 11 years old and his mom isn't funny anymore, it's so great! His cackle is contagious. You can't hear his laugh and not immediately burst out laughing yourself.
Being his mother is one of my greatest accomplishments. He is intelligent beyond belief, super sweet, and an overall great person. He loves with his whole heart. He thinks of others before himself many times. He seeks out those who are picked on and befriends them. His choice of friends may not make sense to a lot of people, but he chooses them wisely. He tries to surround himself with those who are good to him and good for him. And I love that about him. I can't believe he is turning 11 in just a few short weeks, because he is growing into such an amazing young man. He definitely is not a baby anymore, but he will always be my baby. When I look at him, I still see that sweet, always smiling face that lights up the room. He still does. And I am so thankful and proud that God chose me to be Alexander James McAlister's momma. So blessed!
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
"Comes the Dawn"
When I was in my senior year of high school, I went through some major life issues, all of which I brought upon myself. I was spiraling out of control quickly, but I had a support system in place when I needed it the most. I was losing friends left and right, but was finding friends in unexpected places. God was speaking to me through a multitude of people and situations, even when I didn't really want to listen.
One thing that has meant the most to me, and has stuck with me for the past 15 years, is a poem that a friend's mom gave me. I felt like everything I'd ever worked for, like all of my accomplishments, like all of the good in my life, was slowly slipping away. I was sad...all the time. She saw that. She knew what I was going through, without really knowing.
She gave this poem to me, and probably doesn't even know that I still have it. It is framed, and it sits on the night stand by my bed. The paper is faded, and folded, and stained from tears. I reflect back on it from time to time, when I'm feeling down or depressed. February is a hard month for me typically, so it seems like this is the month when I am drawn to this poem the most. I do not know the author, even though I am certain it would be easy to find. I don't need to know. The words are what matters, and they are powerful.
Peggy, if you ever read this, please know that this has stayed an integral part of my life. It has meant more to me than I could ever explain. I had practically memorized this after about the first year of college. It still means so very much to me 15 years later. Thank you!
Comes the Dawn
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
And you begin to understand that kisses aren't Contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head held high and your eyes wide open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
You learn to build your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much,
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure,
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn . . . and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.
One thing that has meant the most to me, and has stuck with me for the past 15 years, is a poem that a friend's mom gave me. I felt like everything I'd ever worked for, like all of my accomplishments, like all of the good in my life, was slowly slipping away. I was sad...all the time. She saw that. She knew what I was going through, without really knowing.
She gave this poem to me, and probably doesn't even know that I still have it. It is framed, and it sits on the night stand by my bed. The paper is faded, and folded, and stained from tears. I reflect back on it from time to time, when I'm feeling down or depressed. February is a hard month for me typically, so it seems like this is the month when I am drawn to this poem the most. I do not know the author, even though I am certain it would be easy to find. I don't need to know. The words are what matters, and they are powerful.
Peggy, if you ever read this, please know that this has stayed an integral part of my life. It has meant more to me than I could ever explain. I had practically memorized this after about the first year of college. It still means so very much to me 15 years later. Thank you!
Comes the Dawn
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
And you begin to understand that kisses aren't Contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head held high and your eyes wide open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
You learn to build your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much,
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure,
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn . . . and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Angry Kristin
Sometimes in life, things happen that make us become really jaded. People come and go from our lives, and sometimes it really hurts. Sometimes, we're glad those people left our lives because we're both better for it. Sometimes, however, the loss really stings.
Right now, I'm really angry. I'm angry at someone for doing something so stupid and selfish. I am angry because this person has no regard for anyone else's feelings. I am angry because this person is hiding behind a facade, and the person who has probably been hurt the most has to just sit by and watch. This person tries to play the "woe is me" card, or "please feel sorry for me" because they want attention. If everyone knew what this person had done, who they really were, they would NOT feel sorry. They would be angry, too. They'd be angry that they let someone like this into their life. They would be angry that they did not see it coming. They would feel like I do, which is stupid. Stupid for buying all the lies. Stupid for trusting someone who did not deserve it. Stupid for letting someone back into their life and not being overly cautious.
Sometimes I wish I could just scream, that's how angry I am. I have so many words I wish I could say. I actually can say them, but it would only make the situation worse. If I said what was in my heart, I would hurt some very special people, and I am not willing to do that. But, oh, do I want to. Each time I see this person post on social media sites, it makes my stomach turn...literally. When I see little pictures, or quotes, or conversations being had, it makes me want to vomit. Because it's all fake. It's all a lie. I know it. That person knows it. But those who engage with this person don't. They couldn't possibly. Because if they did, I highly doubt they'd be so "supportive" of this person. If they knew that this person CAUSED all the drama in their life, or CAUSED the pain to other people, or CAUSED things to disintegrate, then they wouldn't be so quick to comfort this person in their "time of need."
I don't know how one person can lie to themselves so much and try to make a situation worse by throwing things in someone else's face. If I knew I'd hurt someone, I'd run and hide. I'd do everything in my power to make it right. I would carefully choose my words before posting on social media sites. I certainly wouldn't flaunt what I'd done. I wouldn't try to make others feel sorry for me, especially because I'd caused the situation in the first place. I wouldn't purposely draw attention to myself, that's for sure.
I do not, and probably will not, understand how someone could purposely hurt someone else, and then not really feel badly about it. When you disrupt someone's life, when you do everything you could possibly do to try and ruin this person, shouldn't you feel bad? I suppose not. Otherwise, you'd not do those things in the first place. I'm just really sick and tired of seeing it. I'm tired of seeing those I care about have to deal with it. I'm tired of being angry.
I just want to get to a place where I can look at this person and not feel rage. I want to come to a place where I can see their social media posts and just overlook them, or move on with no feelings one way or the other. I want to be able to know that those I care about are not going to have to deal with the nonsense. I want to take it all away for them, or at least shield them from the drama. I want this time to just go away, and for everything to be okay again.
I pray that I can come to peace with this situation. It might not directly affect me, but indirectly it certainly does. It stresses me out to see those I care about being hurt. It hurts. What this person did wasn't done to me, but it still hurts. I was lied to. I was made to feel like a fool. I opened my heart and family to someone who certainly didn't deserve to have a place there, and that makes me so angry, but also incredibly sad. I don't want to be Angry Kristin anymore. In time, I know the anger will fade. I just have to bite my tongue a little longer.
Right now, I'm really angry. I'm angry at someone for doing something so stupid and selfish. I am angry because this person has no regard for anyone else's feelings. I am angry because this person is hiding behind a facade, and the person who has probably been hurt the most has to just sit by and watch. This person tries to play the "woe is me" card, or "please feel sorry for me" because they want attention. If everyone knew what this person had done, who they really were, they would NOT feel sorry. They would be angry, too. They'd be angry that they let someone like this into their life. They would be angry that they did not see it coming. They would feel like I do, which is stupid. Stupid for buying all the lies. Stupid for trusting someone who did not deserve it. Stupid for letting someone back into their life and not being overly cautious.
Sometimes I wish I could just scream, that's how angry I am. I have so many words I wish I could say. I actually can say them, but it would only make the situation worse. If I said what was in my heart, I would hurt some very special people, and I am not willing to do that. But, oh, do I want to. Each time I see this person post on social media sites, it makes my stomach turn...literally. When I see little pictures, or quotes, or conversations being had, it makes me want to vomit. Because it's all fake. It's all a lie. I know it. That person knows it. But those who engage with this person don't. They couldn't possibly. Because if they did, I highly doubt they'd be so "supportive" of this person. If they knew that this person CAUSED all the drama in their life, or CAUSED the pain to other people, or CAUSED things to disintegrate, then they wouldn't be so quick to comfort this person in their "time of need."
I don't know how one person can lie to themselves so much and try to make a situation worse by throwing things in someone else's face. If I knew I'd hurt someone, I'd run and hide. I'd do everything in my power to make it right. I would carefully choose my words before posting on social media sites. I certainly wouldn't flaunt what I'd done. I wouldn't try to make others feel sorry for me, especially because I'd caused the situation in the first place. I wouldn't purposely draw attention to myself, that's for sure.
I do not, and probably will not, understand how someone could purposely hurt someone else, and then not really feel badly about it. When you disrupt someone's life, when you do everything you could possibly do to try and ruin this person, shouldn't you feel bad? I suppose not. Otherwise, you'd not do those things in the first place. I'm just really sick and tired of seeing it. I'm tired of seeing those I care about have to deal with it. I'm tired of being angry.
I just want to get to a place where I can look at this person and not feel rage. I want to come to a place where I can see their social media posts and just overlook them, or move on with no feelings one way or the other. I want to be able to know that those I care about are not going to have to deal with the nonsense. I want to take it all away for them, or at least shield them from the drama. I want this time to just go away, and for everything to be okay again.
I pray that I can come to peace with this situation. It might not directly affect me, but indirectly it certainly does. It stresses me out to see those I care about being hurt. It hurts. What this person did wasn't done to me, but it still hurts. I was lied to. I was made to feel like a fool. I opened my heart and family to someone who certainly didn't deserve to have a place there, and that makes me so angry, but also incredibly sad. I don't want to be Angry Kristin anymore. In time, I know the anger will fade. I just have to bite my tongue a little longer.
Friday, August 9, 2013
My Two Cents
I have been in a funk lately, and I can't seem to get out of it completely. My own thoughts of insecurity and inadequacy have been creeping back in. I have a lot of great things going for me, but those negative thoughts seem to scream louder than all the positivity in the world ever could.
It's really frustrating. I try not to be Negative Nelly all the time. I make a concerted effort to hide a lot of the physical and emotional pain if and when I experience it. I have been guilty of getting in a rut and it seeming like everything is going wrong with my life. Nobody wants to be friends with Debbie Downer. Nobody wants to hang out with that person who has nothing nice to say. But, do you really want to be friends with Fake Franny, either? Do you want to be friends with the girl who is smiling through the pain, or who is faking it until she makes it? Do you want a half-hearted friendship with someone?
I don't want to have friends like that, let alone actually BE that person. So, what do I typically do? I seclude myself. I shut myself off from those around me who seem to have it all in check. I go into my hidey-hole and wait until the sun starts to shine again. I know I'm doing it. I know how to get out of it. It's just hard.
As a piece of advice to others, though, something that doesn't help is constant criticism from loved ones, or from anyone really. If someone posts something on Facebook that might seem sad or depressing or negative, what will NOT help them out of their funk is to point directly at the negativity. It does NOT help to tell someone to snap out of it, or to be critical of them. It does NOT help to be insensitive to things that you do not understand. It does NOT help to be judgmental of someone else's life when you are sitting behind your computer.
What DOES help is picking up the phone and calling every once in awhile. Check on them. See if things are okay, or offer anything to help make things easier. If you notice a somewhat sad or depressing post on Facebook, how about sending them a private message with your concerns? Instead of nitpicking, why not praise the good you do see in their life? Instead of making fun of someone's situation or trying to "joke" about what you have no idea about, or really don't care about, how about saying NOTHING at all? It is far better to silence your critical tongue than to take back something hurtful.
I'm not speaking to others while excluding myself here, either. I have been guilty of all of these. I hope that when/if I've been this way that I could be forgiven for being less than what that person deserves in a friend.
I will come out of my funk. I think a lot of it has to do with the kids starting school in a week. I know that it means that my days will be different. It means that I will have to buckle down and finish my thesis. It means that my time will be stretched thin. It means that I will feel those inadequate feelings and guilty feelings again for not being 100% everything to everyone. But, I will also soon see pictures that my daughter has drawn just for me while she was at school. I will see the amazing grades that my son will bring home after having accomplished something new. I will see their smiling faces on the sidelines of the football field, and the basketball court, and whatever other extra-curricular activity they choose. And I will be beaming with pride.
For now, I'm just trying to get by and do it all the best that I can. But, I will ask one thing from whoever decides to read this. If you have something hurtful, distasteful, or negative to say to me, please think twice before calling, writing, or texting your comments to me. I am definitely going through a lot right now. Maybe it's an early mid-life crisis. I don't know. But, I don't need judgment, criticism, or hateful comments right now. What I will welcome with open arms are words of encouragement, love, funny stories about your kids or family, scripture, etc., as long as it comes from a place of positivity and thoughtfulness.
That's all.
Thanks, in advance!
It's really frustrating. I try not to be Negative Nelly all the time. I make a concerted effort to hide a lot of the physical and emotional pain if and when I experience it. I have been guilty of getting in a rut and it seeming like everything is going wrong with my life. Nobody wants to be friends with Debbie Downer. Nobody wants to hang out with that person who has nothing nice to say. But, do you really want to be friends with Fake Franny, either? Do you want to be friends with the girl who is smiling through the pain, or who is faking it until she makes it? Do you want a half-hearted friendship with someone?
I don't want to have friends like that, let alone actually BE that person. So, what do I typically do? I seclude myself. I shut myself off from those around me who seem to have it all in check. I go into my hidey-hole and wait until the sun starts to shine again. I know I'm doing it. I know how to get out of it. It's just hard.
As a piece of advice to others, though, something that doesn't help is constant criticism from loved ones, or from anyone really. If someone posts something on Facebook that might seem sad or depressing or negative, what will NOT help them out of their funk is to point directly at the negativity. It does NOT help to tell someone to snap out of it, or to be critical of them. It does NOT help to be insensitive to things that you do not understand. It does NOT help to be judgmental of someone else's life when you are sitting behind your computer.
What DOES help is picking up the phone and calling every once in awhile. Check on them. See if things are okay, or offer anything to help make things easier. If you notice a somewhat sad or depressing post on Facebook, how about sending them a private message with your concerns? Instead of nitpicking, why not praise the good you do see in their life? Instead of making fun of someone's situation or trying to "joke" about what you have no idea about, or really don't care about, how about saying NOTHING at all? It is far better to silence your critical tongue than to take back something hurtful.
I'm not speaking to others while excluding myself here, either. I have been guilty of all of these. I hope that when/if I've been this way that I could be forgiven for being less than what that person deserves in a friend.
I will come out of my funk. I think a lot of it has to do with the kids starting school in a week. I know that it means that my days will be different. It means that I will have to buckle down and finish my thesis. It means that my time will be stretched thin. It means that I will feel those inadequate feelings and guilty feelings again for not being 100% everything to everyone. But, I will also soon see pictures that my daughter has drawn just for me while she was at school. I will see the amazing grades that my son will bring home after having accomplished something new. I will see their smiling faces on the sidelines of the football field, and the basketball court, and whatever other extra-curricular activity they choose. And I will be beaming with pride.
For now, I'm just trying to get by and do it all the best that I can. But, I will ask one thing from whoever decides to read this. If you have something hurtful, distasteful, or negative to say to me, please think twice before calling, writing, or texting your comments to me. I am definitely going through a lot right now. Maybe it's an early mid-life crisis. I don't know. But, I don't need judgment, criticism, or hateful comments right now. What I will welcome with open arms are words of encouragement, love, funny stories about your kids or family, scripture, etc., as long as it comes from a place of positivity and thoughtfulness.
That's all.
Thanks, in advance!
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Just Breathe
What a terrifying 24 hours we've had here in Oklahoma! I just can't believe that it all really happened!
When the May 3, 1999 tornado hit, I was just a few days away from graduating high school. I was worried about my grandparents and my cousins and aunts and uncles who lived in Midwest City, Moore, and Norman. Luckily they were all safe and no one was hurt or lost their homes. I never would have dreamed that four years later I would marry someone whose parents lost their home in that very tornado. And that just a few short months after we were married, another tornado would rip through the same town, taking businesses and homes again.
The May 10, 2003 tornado came awfully close to my new in-laws' home yet again, only missing by a few streets. I was pregnant with Alex at the time, and Ryan was stuck on the highway trying to get home. This was the same highway that the tornado jumped and destroyed more homes and businesses. This was also before Ryan owned a cell phone, so I had no way of knowing whether he was alive or not until he walked through the door to our apartment. Alex was born just 2 short months later, so just imagine the panic I was going through: my husband might be trapped on the highway (it was shut down because of what was going on), my in-laws were in the direct path of the tornado, and I had no real safe place to go except to stand in the hallway of our downstairs apartment. I was pregnant and terrified.
I have always hated tornadoes, but I hate them even more now.
Just ten years after that terrifying experience, I was sitting across the state worried about my family who lives in the area. My cousin's children attend one of the two schools that was destroyed yesterday. My cousin's husband went and picked up his three children, all of whom are close in age to my own children, and took them to safety at my grandparents' home in Midwest City. Luckily, Grandma and Grandpa have a saferoom in their home, so everyone was gathered there. Jose, my cousin's husband, then went back to the scene and helped rescue workers dig people out of the rubble. Some of the children he helped pull out were classmates of his children. He also helped pull out their middle son's teacher. I just can't even imagine.
My in-laws were all safe, but we were out of touch for awhile. The tornado hit just a mile south of the elementary school where my sister-in-law teaches. It was headed straight for her school before it made a turn to the right. If it hadn't turned, it would have hit her school, the high school where my niece was, and then probably the junior high where my other niece was. Praise the Lord for that small twist of fate!
I'm bawling right now just thinking about the very close calls our family has experienced in the last 24 hours. There was another tornado that ripped through the Ramona/Vera area. I have an aunt and a great-uncle and great-aunt who live right near where this tornado was. They are all safe and okay. Praise the Lord!
This is the nature of tornadoes. They are unpredictable. People can say what they want, but the truth of the matter is: we know there's a possibility, we know that they will happen, we just don't know when or how destructive they will be. We can get pretty close to the timeline, but tornadoes are tricky, mysterious beasts. Like the one yesterday, they can drop down, destroy things in their path, and then disappear. They can be headed in a straight line or they can turn for no reason whatsoever. I will never understand tornadoes. But, if you're like me and you've lived in Oklahoma your whole life, you have to respect them. They are terrifying, unpredictable monsters. They can rip people's lives apart in seconds. And they can leave homes and businesses untouched just a few feet away from utter destruction.
As Moore rebuilds, all of Oklahoma will join together. We did it before, and we'll do it again. That's who Oklahoma is. That's what we are about. We are a family. As someone else said, we may not have fancy attractions or be pretty to look at, but we are an incredible close-knit community (the whole state). We take care of each other.
So, for now, we must remember to just breathe. Support those who lost loved ones. Lift up those parents in prayer whose babies were taken away from them yesterday. Donate your time, money, and anything else you can spare. We will come together and rebuild.
But, first, let's just breathe.
When the May 3, 1999 tornado hit, I was just a few days away from graduating high school. I was worried about my grandparents and my cousins and aunts and uncles who lived in Midwest City, Moore, and Norman. Luckily they were all safe and no one was hurt or lost their homes. I never would have dreamed that four years later I would marry someone whose parents lost their home in that very tornado. And that just a few short months after we were married, another tornado would rip through the same town, taking businesses and homes again.
The May 10, 2003 tornado came awfully close to my new in-laws' home yet again, only missing by a few streets. I was pregnant with Alex at the time, and Ryan was stuck on the highway trying to get home. This was the same highway that the tornado jumped and destroyed more homes and businesses. This was also before Ryan owned a cell phone, so I had no way of knowing whether he was alive or not until he walked through the door to our apartment. Alex was born just 2 short months later, so just imagine the panic I was going through: my husband might be trapped on the highway (it was shut down because of what was going on), my in-laws were in the direct path of the tornado, and I had no real safe place to go except to stand in the hallway of our downstairs apartment. I was pregnant and terrified.
I have always hated tornadoes, but I hate them even more now.
Just ten years after that terrifying experience, I was sitting across the state worried about my family who lives in the area. My cousin's children attend one of the two schools that was destroyed yesterday. My cousin's husband went and picked up his three children, all of whom are close in age to my own children, and took them to safety at my grandparents' home in Midwest City. Luckily, Grandma and Grandpa have a saferoom in their home, so everyone was gathered there. Jose, my cousin's husband, then went back to the scene and helped rescue workers dig people out of the rubble. Some of the children he helped pull out were classmates of his children. He also helped pull out their middle son's teacher. I just can't even imagine.
My in-laws were all safe, but we were out of touch for awhile. The tornado hit just a mile south of the elementary school where my sister-in-law teaches. It was headed straight for her school before it made a turn to the right. If it hadn't turned, it would have hit her school, the high school where my niece was, and then probably the junior high where my other niece was. Praise the Lord for that small twist of fate!
I'm bawling right now just thinking about the very close calls our family has experienced in the last 24 hours. There was another tornado that ripped through the Ramona/Vera area. I have an aunt and a great-uncle and great-aunt who live right near where this tornado was. They are all safe and okay. Praise the Lord!
This is the nature of tornadoes. They are unpredictable. People can say what they want, but the truth of the matter is: we know there's a possibility, we know that they will happen, we just don't know when or how destructive they will be. We can get pretty close to the timeline, but tornadoes are tricky, mysterious beasts. Like the one yesterday, they can drop down, destroy things in their path, and then disappear. They can be headed in a straight line or they can turn for no reason whatsoever. I will never understand tornadoes. But, if you're like me and you've lived in Oklahoma your whole life, you have to respect them. They are terrifying, unpredictable monsters. They can rip people's lives apart in seconds. And they can leave homes and businesses untouched just a few feet away from utter destruction.
As Moore rebuilds, all of Oklahoma will join together. We did it before, and we'll do it again. That's who Oklahoma is. That's what we are about. We are a family. As someone else said, we may not have fancy attractions or be pretty to look at, but we are an incredible close-knit community (the whole state). We take care of each other.
So, for now, we must remember to just breathe. Support those who lost loved ones. Lift up those parents in prayer whose babies were taken away from them yesterday. Donate your time, money, and anything else you can spare. We will come together and rebuild.
But, first, let's just breathe.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Growing Up
As I sit here in the living room watching my kids talking with each other, I am amazed at how quickly they seem to have turned into "big kids." I know they are only turning 8 and 10 this summer, but they aren't those little toddlers anymore. They have real conversations. They watch real movies, not just extended cartoons. They read books without any help anymore. They actually read to us instead of it being the other way around. And it feels like I just blinked and this all happened.
I always thought my parents and grandparents were being dramatic when they said that it seems like we grew up way too fast, right before their eyes. I never really understood that because it always felt like time stood still for me growing up. My summer days seemed to be endless. And magical. And it always felt like the times between years seemed to just creep by, not like my parents described it at all. But now that I'm a parent, it seems that they were right. Before I knew it, my son was finishing his 3rd grade year in school and my daughter was finishing her 1st grade year. Before I knew what hit me, my daughter was reading chapter books, and my son was writing in cursive. Where did the time go?!?
Wasn't it just yesterday when Reesey was stuck under her bed telling us, "I need some help!" and telling Uncle Larry not to boss her? Wasn't it just yesterday when Alex was telling us that Larry Bird pooped in his diaper and crying when we made him give back the football at the Fall Festival at church? Didn't that just happen? Where did my babies go? And who gave them permission to turn into these big kids with missing teeth and extremely vivid imaginations?
One thing I am ever grateful for is the fact that my children are best friends. They fight, don't get me wrong. But they love each other so very much that the fighting only lasts a few moments. I didn't have that growing up. While Alex and Reese's arguments are an "every once in awhile" thing, my brother and I fought all the time. Our moments of playing well with each other were more "every once in awhile." I hate that. We had some good times, like riding our bikes up and down Million Dollar Hill or playing football and baseball in the yard with the boys from neighboring houses. I love those memories. I only wish they weren't book-ended with memories of constant bickering and avoidance of each other all together. I'm glad that Alex and Reese aren't like that. I've tried my hardest to make sure they aren't because I didn't want Reese to grow up wishing her brother liked her or wanted to play with her, like I did.
Something that may seem odd to many is that, while my brother and I didn't get along growing up, he always had my back. And vice versa. If I was dealing with a jerk boyfriend, my brother would always offer to straighten him out. He warned me not to date certain boys because he knew what they were after, even if they were some of his best friends. When he was dealing with an awful girlfriend at school, one who was trying to spread rumors about him, I came unglued! I walked up to her (I was a freshman; she was a junior) and told her to shut her mouth or I'd do it for her. And I meant it.
When my basketball coach, who was also his senior class sponsor, died during my sophomore year, we shared a rare moment together in the hallway at school. We had gotten to school a little late that day, so we didn't see everyone acting all weird and sad. My first hour class happened to be Coach Kennedy's sophomore English class. When a fellow student asked if I'd heard the news, I was devastated. I had to leave the classroom because I couldn't keep myself composed. When I walked out into the hallway, I looked up to see my brother at the other end. I walked to him, no words being spoken, and we ended up just standing there hugging. I knew what he was thinking. He knew what I was thinking. Neither one of us said a word. It wasn't a long embrace, but it is one of the most meaningful experiences I've had with my brother. Ever. We were never affectionate with each other, but it felt so natural to me at the time. He probably doesn't even remember that moment, but it is etched in my brain just as clear as if it happened yesterday.
When I found out I was pregnant with Alex, he called me to see how I was doing. He played that quintessential "big brother" role, telling me that I didn't have to do anything I didn't feel comfortable with, and that he would support any decision I made. It meant everything to me to know he had my back yet again.
I just see siblings who are incredibly close to each other, and always have been, and I'm extremely jealous. I wish that we had that relationship. I love my brother. I always have. I've always wanted him to like me, to be proud of me. I'll just settle for helping my children to be that way for each other. I don't want them to doubt the other's feelings. I want them to know for sure that the other loves them, is proud of them. And if my brother and I ever get to a point in our adult relationship where we have a more consistent relationship, one with more frequent conversation or visits, then I will count myself incredibly blessed. If not, I'll know what I know. I've come to terms with the fact that we have the relationship we're going to have. I will always have his back, and I know he'll always have mine. No questions asked. We may not talk much. We may not see each other very often. But he's my big brother, and I can always count on him if I ever get into a situation where I need him. And vice versa.
I always thought my parents and grandparents were being dramatic when they said that it seems like we grew up way too fast, right before their eyes. I never really understood that because it always felt like time stood still for me growing up. My summer days seemed to be endless. And magical. And it always felt like the times between years seemed to just creep by, not like my parents described it at all. But now that I'm a parent, it seems that they were right. Before I knew it, my son was finishing his 3rd grade year in school and my daughter was finishing her 1st grade year. Before I knew what hit me, my daughter was reading chapter books, and my son was writing in cursive. Where did the time go?!?
Wasn't it just yesterday when Reesey was stuck under her bed telling us, "I need some help!" and telling Uncle Larry not to boss her? Wasn't it just yesterday when Alex was telling us that Larry Bird pooped in his diaper and crying when we made him give back the football at the Fall Festival at church? Didn't that just happen? Where did my babies go? And who gave them permission to turn into these big kids with missing teeth and extremely vivid imaginations?
One thing I am ever grateful for is the fact that my children are best friends. They fight, don't get me wrong. But they love each other so very much that the fighting only lasts a few moments. I didn't have that growing up. While Alex and Reese's arguments are an "every once in awhile" thing, my brother and I fought all the time. Our moments of playing well with each other were more "every once in awhile." I hate that. We had some good times, like riding our bikes up and down Million Dollar Hill or playing football and baseball in the yard with the boys from neighboring houses. I love those memories. I only wish they weren't book-ended with memories of constant bickering and avoidance of each other all together. I'm glad that Alex and Reese aren't like that. I've tried my hardest to make sure they aren't because I didn't want Reese to grow up wishing her brother liked her or wanted to play with her, like I did.
Something that may seem odd to many is that, while my brother and I didn't get along growing up, he always had my back. And vice versa. If I was dealing with a jerk boyfriend, my brother would always offer to straighten him out. He warned me not to date certain boys because he knew what they were after, even if they were some of his best friends. When he was dealing with an awful girlfriend at school, one who was trying to spread rumors about him, I came unglued! I walked up to her (I was a freshman; she was a junior) and told her to shut her mouth or I'd do it for her. And I meant it.
When my basketball coach, who was also his senior class sponsor, died during my sophomore year, we shared a rare moment together in the hallway at school. We had gotten to school a little late that day, so we didn't see everyone acting all weird and sad. My first hour class happened to be Coach Kennedy's sophomore English class. When a fellow student asked if I'd heard the news, I was devastated. I had to leave the classroom because I couldn't keep myself composed. When I walked out into the hallway, I looked up to see my brother at the other end. I walked to him, no words being spoken, and we ended up just standing there hugging. I knew what he was thinking. He knew what I was thinking. Neither one of us said a word. It wasn't a long embrace, but it is one of the most meaningful experiences I've had with my brother. Ever. We were never affectionate with each other, but it felt so natural to me at the time. He probably doesn't even remember that moment, but it is etched in my brain just as clear as if it happened yesterday.
When I found out I was pregnant with Alex, he called me to see how I was doing. He played that quintessential "big brother" role, telling me that I didn't have to do anything I didn't feel comfortable with, and that he would support any decision I made. It meant everything to me to know he had my back yet again.
I just see siblings who are incredibly close to each other, and always have been, and I'm extremely jealous. I wish that we had that relationship. I love my brother. I always have. I've always wanted him to like me, to be proud of me. I'll just settle for helping my children to be that way for each other. I don't want them to doubt the other's feelings. I want them to know for sure that the other loves them, is proud of them. And if my brother and I ever get to a point in our adult relationship where we have a more consistent relationship, one with more frequent conversation or visits, then I will count myself incredibly blessed. If not, I'll know what I know. I've come to terms with the fact that we have the relationship we're going to have. I will always have his back, and I know he'll always have mine. No questions asked. We may not talk much. We may not see each other very often. But he's my big brother, and I can always count on him if I ever get into a situation where I need him. And vice versa.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Kolby
I was just drifting off to sleep when I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. The only way for me to get these emotions out effectively is to write. I was overcome with thoughts from high school. Thoughts that brought me such joy, yet now fill me with sadness.
Kolby was several years younger than me. She was just beginning to get involved in our youth group at church as I was graduating from high school. The summer after I graduated was filled with many trips to the lake, into Owasso to hang out and eat lunch, and many youth activities. My friend Kristi and I spent a lot of time together that summer. And in that time, we kind of took Kolby under our wings. We wanted her to feel included even though she was so much younger than us. We invited her to the lake with us. We included her in all the fun things we did at Falls Creek. We let her tag along with us in our trip to Big Splash. She was so much fun that the age difference didn't matter.
Kolby was a force to be reckoned with. She was feisty. She was kind. She was stubborn. She was giving. She could be ornery, but she could be so loving at the same time. I miss that. When I was at OU, my mom called and told me that Kolby had gotten really sick and they weren't sure if she was going to make it. I knew she'd pull through. She was too stubborn to be taken so quickly and mysteriously. She did just that. We drifted apart after I left for college. Now, when I think back on it, it really breaks my heart. I have such great memories of that summer spent with Kolby and it could have been more. But I didn't put in enough effort. It makes me sick to think about.
When Kolby got pregnant with her sweet little guy, Madden, I felt connected to her again. I was a young mom, and I knew what it was like to be scared of things to come. We'd connected again through Facebook, and I offered her my advice on things. I don't know how much of it made sense, but it felt good to reconnect with her. She dealt with some rough patches and I offered her a place to stay. She never took me up on it, but she knew that the offer stood, no matter when or why.
And then she was gone. It was June 11th. I went to pick up the kids at my Grandma and Papa's house after we'd closed on our new home. Grandma asked if I knew what happened to Kolby. She then told me what she knew, that the ladies on the Prayer Chain had called and said she'd passed away in her sleep. I thought Grandma was confused. When I acted weird, Grandma started to doubt herself. So, I called their church and asked the secretary if Grandma was mistaken. No. It was true. And the floor dropped out from under me.
I felt guilty for not making more of an effort. She had meant so much to me, yet I never really let her know. She was a big part of my life that summer, and I let it slip away. And now she's gone, and I can't get it back. I can't offer her any advice on her little guy anymore. I can't offer her a place to stay if she needs one. I can't go to the lake, or take random trips to Owasso, or have her tag along to Big Splash anymore. I know she's in a much better place, but I miss her. I am so mad at myself for not trying harder with her.
I don't know. I was just thinking about Kolby and had to get it out. I miss you, sweet girl! But I know I'll see you again one day! Love you!!
Kolby was several years younger than me. She was just beginning to get involved in our youth group at church as I was graduating from high school. The summer after I graduated was filled with many trips to the lake, into Owasso to hang out and eat lunch, and many youth activities. My friend Kristi and I spent a lot of time together that summer. And in that time, we kind of took Kolby under our wings. We wanted her to feel included even though she was so much younger than us. We invited her to the lake with us. We included her in all the fun things we did at Falls Creek. We let her tag along with us in our trip to Big Splash. She was so much fun that the age difference didn't matter.
Kolby was a force to be reckoned with. She was feisty. She was kind. She was stubborn. She was giving. She could be ornery, but she could be so loving at the same time. I miss that. When I was at OU, my mom called and told me that Kolby had gotten really sick and they weren't sure if she was going to make it. I knew she'd pull through. She was too stubborn to be taken so quickly and mysteriously. She did just that. We drifted apart after I left for college. Now, when I think back on it, it really breaks my heart. I have such great memories of that summer spent with Kolby and it could have been more. But I didn't put in enough effort. It makes me sick to think about.
When Kolby got pregnant with her sweet little guy, Madden, I felt connected to her again. I was a young mom, and I knew what it was like to be scared of things to come. We'd connected again through Facebook, and I offered her my advice on things. I don't know how much of it made sense, but it felt good to reconnect with her. She dealt with some rough patches and I offered her a place to stay. She never took me up on it, but she knew that the offer stood, no matter when or why.
And then she was gone. It was June 11th. I went to pick up the kids at my Grandma and Papa's house after we'd closed on our new home. Grandma asked if I knew what happened to Kolby. She then told me what she knew, that the ladies on the Prayer Chain had called and said she'd passed away in her sleep. I thought Grandma was confused. When I acted weird, Grandma started to doubt herself. So, I called their church and asked the secretary if Grandma was mistaken. No. It was true. And the floor dropped out from under me.
I felt guilty for not making more of an effort. She had meant so much to me, yet I never really let her know. She was a big part of my life that summer, and I let it slip away. And now she's gone, and I can't get it back. I can't offer her any advice on her little guy anymore. I can't offer her a place to stay if she needs one. I can't go to the lake, or take random trips to Owasso, or have her tag along to Big Splash anymore. I know she's in a much better place, but I miss her. I am so mad at myself for not trying harder with her.
I don't know. I was just thinking about Kolby and had to get it out. I miss you, sweet girl! But I know I'll see you again one day! Love you!!
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