Momma

I am going to get sentimental here.  I may get sappy.  I may even make myself cry.  But I am going to speak (write) straight from the heart.  I absolutely love the word "momma."  Spell it how you want.  Call her what you will.  A mother is one of THE MOST important jobs on this planet.  It is a privilege to be able to call yourself "momma" or to have someone call you that.  It is a title I do not take lightly.

I have been "Momma" for almost 10 years now.  My son will turn 10 in July, which sickens me at the same time it brings me great joy.  My son has been one of the greatest joys of my life.  If I have done anything correct in this world, I know he is it, along with his sister.  I may not be good at many things in this crazy world, but I know I am a darn good mother.  My children are proof of that.

I know that sounds narcissistic.  It's not, I assure you.  I have some of the lowest self-esteem in many areas of my life.  Being a mom is not one of those areas, though.  My kids bring me great joy.  They are truly incredible human beings.

Alex is one of the kindest, most genuine people I have ever encountered.  His heart is truly that of a giving, loving person.  There's a line from Kicking and Screaming where Will Ferrell's character says, "I am a kind and compassionate human being, with the heart of a lion!"  It's said in a joking manner, and Alex has even said this exact line to just be funny, but it's the truth as far as he is concerned.  He really is a kind and compassionate human being.  He has been one of the happiest kiddos I have ever met, for literally his entire life.  He was not a difficult baby by any means.  He rarely cried, and when he did cry, he was easily soothed.  I have countless pictures of that boy smiling from the time he was about 8 weeks old on.  He just exudes happiness, which makes everyone else around him much happier.  That kid can brighten anyone's day.  He has the softest, sweetest voice.  When you can catch him long enough to sit down and have a conversation (which is very rare for him), you would be amazed at what he says.  For only being 9 years old, he is a wise old soul.  He gets it.  He understands more than a 9-year-old should.  He truly is amazing.  I could not have asked for a better son or a better first child because he made being a mom easy.  I feel like I kind of cheated in the whole "being a first time mom" gig.  It wasn't always easy, but I know I had it way better than a lot of other people.  I don't take that for granted for one second.

Reese is by far one of the sweetest kids anyone will ever meet.  She can be ornery, just like her Grandpa Brown, but she will also give her very last penny to someone in need.  She has tried that on many occasions.  She constantly thinks of others.  Her feelings are genuinely hurt if she feels like she has done something to upset another person.  She is the epitome of that saying "wearing your heart on your sleeve."  And it is one of her greatest attributes.  You might think that is strange, but I see her emotional sensitivity as an asset, not a fault.  She is skeptical, yet very trusting of those close to her.  She never takes someone at face value.  It will always take her awhile to warm up to someone.  But once you've proven yourself to her, you are a friend for life.  She is loyal, honest, and compassionate toward those who are important in her life.  This girl can, and someday will, move mountains.  I don't know why I was blessed to become her mother, but I cherish it every single day.  She is a momma's girl in so many ways.  She always wants me to do things with her, listen to her many stories, look at her incredible art she creates, or just sit with her and watch television.  She treasures the little moments in life, and I absolutely love that about her.

My mom has made being a mother to my own children easy.  I had an incredible example.  My mom was my mom first and my friend second.  I can't tell you how many instances I have seen where moms want to be their kids' friend.  They want to share clothes with their teenage daughters.  They want to be buddies with their kids' friends.  They want to be "the cool mom."  My mom wasn't like that.  My mom didn't care if we were friends.  She didn't want to hang out with my brother's or my friends.  I knew she was my mom and had my back whenever I needed her.  But I also always knew that she was in charge.  She set boundaries.  She showed me what a mother's love is.  It is truly unconditional.  If I screwed up, and boy did I ever, she was there to give me guidance, but also to make me face the consequences.  I appreciate that.  It makes me appreciate the friendship we have now.  If I need advice on parenting, she is ALWAYS the first person I call.  If I need someone to vent to about a situation with a friend or coworker or school, she listens.  She offers advice, or she just listens.  That's what a mother does.  Even in her silence, I know she loves me and has my best interests in mind.  She's got my back.  She doesn't have to say it.  I know it.  I can go a few days without talking to her and then spend the next phone call talking about anything or nothing and feel totally at ease.  Outside of my husband, she knows my innermost secrets.  She knows the thoughts I have about myself, the ugly thoughts that no one should have.  She loves me in spite of my faults.  Or because of them.  She lets me have my feelings instead of telling me to "grow up" or "deal with it."  She understands me, which is probably really difficult.

My mom has incredible instincts about people.  I think that's where Reese gets it.  She, my mom, can figure a person out in the first 5 minutes of meeting them, and 9 times out of 10 she's right.  Reese is the same way.  I never really thought about that until now.  Wow!  That woman.  I mean, what else could I say about her?  She truly is remarkable.  I can't even begin to thank God enough for blessing me with such an amazing mom.

She was "Momma" back when I was little, and even though I don't always call her that, she's "Momma" still.  Little things, like Carole King songs or perfume smells or television shows, will trigger memories of my childhood.  Those little things make me so glad that she's in my life and that I'm her daughter.  I honestly wouldn't want to share her with anyone else, and I'm so glad that Jeff and I don't have to.  We are truly blessed.

I don't know why I felt compelled to write about this.  Maybe because I posted a picture from the day Alex was born on Facebook.  Maybe because I got to help my mom out with something yesterday, and I love when I get to do that.  Maybe I just really cherish the fact that I get to be someone's mom, and I get to have a fantastic mom myself.  I don't know.  I just love her.  And I just love them.  That's all.

I'm Back!

It has been two years since I've posted anything on this blog.  A lot has happened in that time.  One of the most important changes that took place was that we bought our first home.  We moved to a new town, so that has been an adjustment.  We are doing well, though, with that transition.  The kids are in a smaller school system, which was/is very important to me.  We now live in a neighborhood with families that have kids the same ages as our kids.  This has been a God-send.  I can't even begin to tell you how blessed we are with that.  The kids can run down to the neighbors' houses and play until they are tired, or until the parents get tired of them. Ha!  The reverse has also happened; kids come and play here and we LOVE it!

Another important thing that has happened is that I have been given the diagnosis that I had been searching to find for quite some time.  I have Celiac Disease.  It is very difficult to live with, often frustrating at times, but it is an adjustment we must make.  One of the benefits of having CD is that I now have an answer to the questions.  I have a frame of reference for why I was/am always getting sick.  It may be financially difficult, especially because gluten free food is so expensive, but the monetary issues are worth the health rewards.  One of the issues that I found with CD was that when I get any kind of sickness, whether it is the flu, a sinus infection, or bronchitis, it hits me harder than most.  I am typically sick for much longer than I should be.  This is because of my compromised immune system.  CD is an auto-immune disorder.  It is not just a sensitivity to gluten or an allergy.  It is serious, not that the others aren't.  But having CD has made me open my eyes up wider to my overall health.  I can't just let things go.  I must stay on top of it, for my health and the well-being of my family.

I am in my last couple of semesters of graduate school.  It seems like this has flown by at times, and at others, it feels like I've been doing this forever.  I have been able to make some incredible friends in graduate school, and I've been blessed to explore my love of English, writing, reading, and tutoring.  I never knew that I would actually love to tutor people, but I feel like I have found my calling.  I am so incredibly thankful that Ryan pushed me into pursuing my dream.

I am certain that there is much more I could discuss, but since I am feeling a bit under the weather, I believe I'll stop here.  I will try to update this blog more.  I forgot how much I enjoyed blogging.  Until next time...

Forgiveness

We are called to forgive. God forgives us every single time we hurt Him. Every. Single. Time. Why is it so hard to forgive someone when they've wronged you? For me, I think it is that much harder to forgive when the person does not feel any remorse, or at least has not expressed it. But my parents have always taught me that forgiveness doesn't mean that you accept what's been done. It just means that you're letting go of the hurt and allowing yourself to not become bitter to what has occurred.

When it's a serious offense, it takes much longer. Well, it takes longer for me. It doesn't erase the hurt. Maybe it just makes it easier to deal with, once you finally forgive. I know God tells us "seven times seventy" is the number of times we should forgive. It's just so hard. This is something I'm currently struggling with.

There are people in my life, and people who are no longer in my life (by my own choice, or theirs), that I need to forgive. They have not asked for forgiveness, and to be honest I don't think they ever will. But they need my forgiveness. More importantly, I need to give it to them. But it's not for them. It's for me. I do not want to harbor bitterness in my heart. I want to be an effective Christian. Without forgiving those who've wronged me, no matter how trivial or severe, I don't believe that I can truly be just that, an effective Christian. How can I lead others to Christ when I have this huge pain in my heart. I haven't given it to Him, and I need to.

I'm praying that I will be able to do this. I want to. I just don't know how right now. So, if you're reading this, please pray for me. Pray that I find a forgiving spirit. Pray that God will show me the most effective way to forgive someone. I need to do this. I want to. I just don't know if I'm ready. Pray for my willingness to do this. Thank you so much!

Summertime, summertime, sum- sum- summertime!

June is finally here! Why on earth am I so excited that June is here? I HATE hot weather. I would much rather spend my days in Colorado in the middle of winter. That's just the kind of girl I am. But the reason I'm so excited that June is officially here is that we are going on our first ever FAMILY VACATION!! Ryan and I have taken little overnight vacations here and there. We even went to Vegas for a few days earlier this year, but that was for Ryan's brother's wedding. Vacation, yes, but it had an agenda.

We have never taken the kids anywhere for vacation. I guess it's because they are so young that, before, we knew that they wouldn't really enjoy it and/or remember what we were doing. It has to be so incredibly difficult for parents who take their babies places, especially during the summer when it's so hot! I don't know how or why they do it. I'm glad we haven't, though. I mean, the kids are almost 7 and 5, and it almost doesn't seem fair that we haven't taken them out of the state...EVER. But I know my children. They did great when we went to Lawton for Hunter's graduation, and that was kind of a trial run for us. We slept overnight in a hotel, so we got to test the waters a bit to see how they would do. Really it was to see how we all would do. And they absolutely loved it!

We probably picked the worst time to take a vacation to Texas, but it was when Ryan's bid week was, so we wanted to take advantage. He only gets to bid 3 or 4 weeks a year, and summer is almost always taken by the time the bid sheet gets around to him; being so low in seniority will do that to ya. So this year (well, last November-ish) when a week in June was left open, he jumped at the chance. With Alex now in school and Reese starting Pre-K in August, we knew that his week in October would be out as far as taking a family vacation somewhere. I can not justify taking my kids out of school for a vacation. I know that some parents do it, but I will not hinder their education for a trip. There are other times we could go and, to me, school is way more important. Of course, I'm a school nerd and I LOVE(d) school, so I may be biased a bit.

We are taking the kids to Arlington in a week. Well, it's less than a week away. We're leaving on Sunday to go to Ryan's folks' to spend the night, and to break the drive up. I know my kids. 4 1/2 to 5 1/2 hours in a car would never fly. Then we've got it all planned out. We're going to a Texas Rangers game on Monday night and then to Hurricane Harbor on Tuesday. We'll be headed back to Oklahoma on Wednesday, but I'm not sure if we'll stop at Ryan's folks' again or if we'll just try to drive straight through. I know what my choice is, but we'll see when the time actually comes. The kids are so stinkin' excited! They've been telling people for weeks now that we're going to Texas for vacation. I think they're more excited about the idea right now than they are about what we'll actually be doing. They have no idea what's in store for them and I love that!

I can't wait to see their little faces when we're at the Ballpark at Arlington and when we finally get to Hurricane Harbor. I'll post pictures because I know they will be priceless. The McAlister clan is going to have one heck of a vacation, even if it is just for a few days. Remember, my kids are only 6 and 4. Small doses.

Mixed Emotions

My graduation has come and gone. The night itself was quite overwhelming and wonderful and scary and sad all at the same time. How can that be? Well, it just was. It was completely overwhelming for me to actually be crossing that stage, in my college cap and gown, and accepting my diploma (case only) from President Betz. It's something that I always knew I could do, but didn't know if the day would ever come. It was wonderful because I got to graduate with my best friend, Joy. I had never thought about it before, but that was an amazing thing as well. To get to graduate with your best friend? I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. It was scary because I kept thinking to myself, "Are you really doing this?" It was like it was surreal almost. I didn't want to get there and have them say, "Oh, wait. Sorry, you're not graduating." Luckily that didn't happen. I was very sad because this was another chapter that was over. The saddest part of it was that I could have graduated with honors, but because I hadn't focused enough my last two semesters at OU, I wasn't able to bring my GPA up enough to do so. I tried hard, believe me. It just wasn't enough. And it was really embarrassing to me because I knew it could have been done, but I have no one to blame but myself.

It's also what's come, or rather what hasn't come since my graduation that's got me with mixed emotions. Now, I'm not a "gimme presents" type of person. I'd actually prefer to not get presents. But on a day like Monday, one of the biggest days of my life, I would have liked to have some recognition from family members of this monumental accomplishment. There were family members that could have been there that chose not to come. I will never understand that, mostly because there were family members who absolutely couldn't be there but would have if possible. Why didn't you show up? I will never get this day back, and you weren't there to celebrate it with me. It hurts. Seriously. I also have family members who not only didn't come, but haven't even acknowledged that I graduated. Nothing. Not a phone call, not a card in the mail, squat! Something as simple as, "We're really proud of you! We knew it was hard, and we're so happy for you!" would have been enough, honestly. But, nope. I don't get it. What this says to me is that my momentous occasions are nothing. It doesn't matter that I graduated. It's nothing. It's unimportant. And, it wasn't harder for me to do this time around because I have two kids and a husband and one income. At least that's the message this is sending me. I don't want to be selfish, but it would be nice if some recognition was given to me for doing something that about 80% of Oklahomans haven't and will not do. Not important enough, I guess.

The family and friends that I did have there made the night amazing! It was incredible and I'm so lucky to have the support I do. And there were family and friends who couldn't be there that acknowledged what I had accomplished. And I love them dearly for it!

I guess I had higher expectations than I should have. I know there were some people there that didn't have anyone supporting them. But if all I've heard over the last 3 years is, "Just finish. Get that degree. You 'deserve' it," then why wouldn't they come to be a part of something so great? I just don't get it.

Graduation

It has taken me 11 years to get here, but it has been so worth it. Eleven years to graduate college? Yep! I've been to three different schools, but I've finally found my place and my passion. I couldn't be more excited about this!

What changed for me over the past eleven years? For starters...

1. I moved away from home. Home was my safety net. I am extremely close to my parents and to move two and a half hours away from them felt like I was moving across the world. I was fortunate to be close enough to home that I could drive home on the weekends, which I did my first year at OU.

2. I became an adult. I had my first ever birthday away from home while I was at OU and that was very lonely and very exciting all at the same time. I hadn't been there long enough to make friends yet, but I knew that great things were about to come my way. I turned 21 while I was there also. I'm not a drinker, so that birthday was more of a "coming of age" thing for me. I was officially, legally an adult.

3. I joined a new church. It was probably one of the hardest decisions I had to make while "away from home." I debated for months and months. My heart broke as I felt I was leaving my old "family" behind and abandoning them. What I didn't realize was that I was gaining a whole new "family," one that would help mold the person I am today.

4. I met Ryan. What a momentous experience! I knew that God would bring my "one" into my life in His timing. I'm just grateful and quite proud of myself for actually listening when God spoke to me about Ryan. He walked into my life one night in January of 2002 and I was forever changed.

5. I dropped out of school at OU. I became so overwhelmed with what was going on. I was battling depression. Ryan came into my life, and we began dating at a time that was very confusing for me. I didn't really, truly know what I wanted out of life. I knew that he was the one I was supposed to go on this journey with, but I didn't know where the journey would take us. So, the easiest (and probably dumbest) solution for me was to drop out of school. I didn't even think about changing my major, considering that was the source of my confusion.

6. I got pregnant. Way too early. I was not ready to be a mom yet. I felt like Ryan and I were still just getting to know each other. I was acting reckless again, like I'd done just a few years earlier. But the difference this time was that I had a man who was going to stand by my side. I lost some really important people in my life during that time. It was one of the scariest experiences I'd ever been through and I felt like I was doing it all by myself. I did have Ryan, I'll give you that. But again, we were still just getting to know each other. My parents were a hundred miles away. What was I doing? How was I going to get through this?

7. I got married. We did it backwards, I guess you could say. But it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I could not have married a better man. Ryan has helped me grow into the woman I am today. I was still just a kid when we met. I am lucky that God showed me that when you mess up, if you ask for forgiveness, you will be forgiven. And I have been blessed. I have a wonderful husband who takes care of me and loves me no matter what comes in our way.

8. I had a baby. Two. My pregnancy with Alex was a whole new experience for me. I was nervous all the time. I was anxious about every little thing. And then, when I was thirteen weeks along in my pregnancy, I thought I was losing him. It was really scary, but we prayed and prayed and God brought us through it. I have never loved someone so much as I did Alex that day he was born. Or, that's what I thought until Miss Reese came along. How can you love someone so much and give them your WHOLE heart, and then are able to do the same thing all over again with another person? I'll never be able to explain it, but I know it to be true.

9. We moved. Ryan and I have lived in, let's see now...6 different places since we got married. SIX?!? We never lived anywhere for more than eight months until we got to Owasso. We lived in our apartment for 2 years and we've now been in our house for a little over 2 years. And we will move again in a few years, but we're hoping that will be our last. It will be when we actually buy a house. So, I'm hoping we pick a winner and stick with it. :-)

10. I went back to school. Somewhere along the way I did take a few classes at TCC, but I officially went back to school in August of 2007. I was nervous about it. I thought to myself, "What if it's just like the last time? What if I don't really belong here? What if I'm not cut out for college?" But I wanted to give it a try. And I'm so glad that I did. It took me longer to finish because I only went part-time, but I actually am finishing ahead of where I thought I would. The one disappointing thing about all this is that I did so well while at NSU that I could have been graduating with honors. Why am I not? Because of all my "soul searching" that I did my last few semesters at OU. They really cost me. And I have no one to blame but myself. But I will choose to look at it this way: I did it. I went back and finished and got my Bachelor's degree. And I did it for me. I didn't do this because I thought I owed it to my parents. I didn't do it because I wanted to get a better job. I did it because I knew I had the potential and the capability and I wanted my degree. I deserve it.

I have been through and done a lot in the past eleven years. I am sure there is a lot that I am leaving out, but these things seem like the most important. I have learned who I can really depend on when the chips are down. I know how to make $40 stretch into two weeks worth of groceries. I know that my kids will always know that their Momma loves them even if she doesn't feel like she shows it enough. And I have learned to take things slowly and carefully because if I rush, I usually end up disappointing myself and others.

Have I mentioned how proud I am of myself for finishing? I DID IT!!!!

Reflections of a Lifetime

I know I do this a lot, but sorry. It's one of my "things" that I do. Anyway, I had a recollection back to high school and it got me to thinking about what my life could have been like. What would life have been like for me if I had stayed with my high school boyfriend?

I'll tell you this, I'm glad that I didn't end up with him. He is a cad; he's selfish to no end; he is completely amoral, in my opinion. I don't know what drew me to him. I like to think of myself as an intelligent person, but dating him has to be one of the dumbest things I've ever done. I put myself through Hell while I was with him. I did the same to my friends and family. Seems to me that I ended up on the better side of that break-up. What would my life have been like if we had stayed together, though? By now, I would either be so distanced from my family, because he's in the military, that I'd be lonely and depressed, OR I'd be knocked up for the fourth time and contemplating divorce. He's THAT BAD! God really looked out for me when I was dating him. Now, I made some STUPID and embarrassing mistakes when we were together, but I'm fortunate enough to have learned from them.

What would life have been like if I had married the next guy I dated after my high school boyfriend? Well, it probably would have been a little less conflictual, but not much. He and I were meant to be friends, and just friends. We fought a lot. We would fight because I felt like he didn't value me as an important part of his life. I think he felt like I shouldn't have wanted to be that important to him. I did care for him. I honestly contemplated marriage with him. Luckily, we both decided that that would not have necessarily been the right answer. Again, God looking out for me. The difference here is that he is a great person and I'm lucky to have known him. We just didn't work as a couple. So, life with him would possibly have ended in divorce as well. Divorce is not my solution to anything, don't get me wrong. But I do know how difficult I can be to live with, and when you mix in the wrong personality, sometimes people just give up. That's probably what would have happened had we stayed together. Don't get me started on the racial side of things because I definitely know that would have been a struggle, constantly.

I have it pretty good right now. I married the person God had intended for me to marry from day one. I may not have known it way back in high school, but He did (God, that is). And I'm proud of myself for being cognizant enough to listen when God literally spoke to me. It's an experience that I don't know would ever come around again. I'm lucky, I think, to have experienced that. I count myself that every day when I look over and see the man who will be standing by me for the rest of my life.

I couldn't have asked for a better mate in life, either. He keeps me grounded. He stresses me out, but in the next breath has me laughing so hard I cry. He tells me what I need to hear, not always what I want to hear. But he is caring and sensitive, as well. He's the perfect mix of what I could have ever dreamed up. He's not perfect by any means, but he's perfect for me. And I am lucky enough to call him my husband.

I know I've said that I'm lucky about a gazillion times. But I really feel that way. I can't choose another word to describe how it makes me feel to wake up every day in my life. It's not always great, but it's never as bad as it could be. And for that, I'm truly grateful!