Kolby

I was just drifting off to sleep when I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion.  The only way for me to get these emotions out effectively is to write.  I was overcome with thoughts from high school.  Thoughts that brought me such joy, yet now fill me with sadness.

Kolby was several years younger than me.  She was just beginning to get involved in our youth group at church as I was graduating from high school.  The summer after I graduated was filled with many trips to the lake, into Owasso to hang out and eat lunch, and many youth activities.  My friend Kristi and I spent a lot of time together that summer.  And in that time, we kind of took Kolby under our wings.  We wanted her to feel included even though she was so much younger than us.  We invited her to the lake with us.  We included her in all the fun things we did at Falls Creek.  We let her tag along with us in our trip to Big Splash.  She was so much fun that the age difference didn't matter.

Kolby was a force to be reckoned with.  She was feisty.  She was kind.  She was stubborn.  She was giving.  She could be ornery, but she could be so loving at the same time.  I miss that.  When I was at OU, my mom called and told me that Kolby had gotten really sick and they weren't sure if she was going to make it.  I knew she'd pull through.  She was too stubborn to be taken so quickly and mysteriously.  She did just that.  We drifted apart after I left for college.  Now, when I think back on it, it really breaks my heart.  I have such great memories of that summer spent with Kolby and it could have been more.  But I didn't put in enough effort.  It makes me sick to think about.

When Kolby got pregnant with her sweet little guy, Madden, I felt connected to her again.  I was a young mom, and I knew what it was like to be scared of things to come.  We'd connected again through Facebook, and I offered her my advice on things.  I don't know how much of it made sense, but it felt good to reconnect with her.  She dealt with some rough patches and I offered her a place to stay.  She never took me up on it, but she knew that the offer stood, no matter when or why.

And then she was gone.  It was June 11th.  I went to pick up the kids at my Grandma and Papa's house after we'd closed on our new home.  Grandma asked if I knew what happened to Kolby.  She then told me what she knew, that the ladies on the Prayer Chain had called and said she'd passed away in her sleep.  I thought Grandma was confused.  When I acted weird, Grandma started to doubt herself.  So, I called their church and asked the secretary if Grandma was mistaken.  No.  It was true.  And the floor dropped out from under me.

I felt guilty for not making more of an effort.  She had meant so much to me, yet I never really let her know.  She was a big part of my life that summer, and I let it slip away.  And now she's gone, and I can't get it back.  I can't offer her any advice on her little guy anymore.  I can't offer her a place to stay if she needs one.  I can't go to the lake, or take random trips to Owasso, or have her tag along to Big Splash anymore.  I know she's in a much better place, but I miss her.  I am so mad at myself for not trying harder with her.

I don't know.  I was just thinking about Kolby and had to get it out.  I miss you, sweet girl!  But I know I'll see you again one day!  Love you!!